Depersonalization

I've not really ever seen this topic brought up on the broads, so I'm tossing it out here.

Somehow I think that this is somehow related to my anorexia. I don't see my physical body as being any part of me. The body is just this shell, like some itchy clothes that don't fit right. I don't need to eat because I don't have a body to feed. Feel like I live in this dream world where nothing really matters any ways.

I've never heard anyone talk about their body in these terms. Just wondering if I live out here on the ledge alone?

Hi Monty,

I put a trigger on my response, just in case I accidentally say something that might trigger someone.

I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. And so sorry brother has to have another surgery. I know that is bringing up all sorts of stuff for you too. I hope he will be okay.

I have a similar concern. I have never felt like this is my body. It's just the storage unit so to speak for the parts of my brain I guess (in my mind). T and I have talked about this extensively because it affects my health detrimentally at times. She has thoughts as to what the reasons are (and there are reasons), but my brain is rather non accepting right now.

She has said that she does have clients that have similar distortions (that have DID) but not all of them feel this way. So, I don't know the percentage of DIDers that feel this way but it seems as if it's not completely unusual (which means we are normal! ).

Because of this feeling, it's SO hard to take care of the body here. Whether it's not eating, throwing up or just plain disregard, not having the mindset that we own this body and that we only have one takes its toll on the body itself. For me, it's almost like me, my part, resides in a separate area of the body, not included in the body, and not touching the body (Not sure that makes any sense...).

I do not know if all the parts of my brain feel the same, but there is at least one part of the brain that is obsessive about exercise at times and about health stuff. I don't know if that part has a connection with the body or not. Also, I don't know if the throwing up part connects with the body. For me, it does not. I am separated during those times.

Also I do sometimes wonder about the part of the brain that self injures. Do they have any connection to the body? Some of the things that are done are most likely (according to T) things that were done to them in the past. But with some things, like cutting, etc, it seems like they know it's their body but want to hurt it. I just don't know.

I'm sorry I don't have any real answers, only observations about what goes on for me at times. I'm not sure if what I've said about what goes on here even makes sense

I hope things get better for you soon Monty. I know you are struggling a lot right now. I wish I could take it for you for a while, so that you could have a much needed rest.

agreed with a lot of both posts.
i did feel depersonalization just the other day - and can't remember now just when, it may have been yesterday. I wanted to remember what happened so i could write it down last night and tell t. but now it is gone. I know i had an anxiety attack at our choir party yesterday. i know it started with a trigger in the concert. we sang to raise money for a domestic violence shelter and the lady had to give a speech about DV. that was the trigger. i tried to draw during then, but it didn't help. I was writing a letter in code to my friend (we've done that for 18 years) so others couldn't read it. When walking on to the risers, i was floating and feeling not real. I thought what would happen if my foot misses the stair - will i fall? or float to the celing? Will any one notice? What if i'm not real. But i got to my sopt and pressed against the railing for support because i didn't think my body would support me.
I got lost on the way to the party, but found another member. Then started crying because i didn't want to be driving and possibly lost when i was this switched out.
At the party someone asked me my name and an alter answered with hers. Then the anxiety hit hard. I didn't know these people (i know a few, but not well), some older man who sets off all my warning bells was flirting with me. And i just wanted to hide. I did take the anxiety pill but it didn't really help. I left early - just as everyone was showing (in attitude) how much wine they had had.

I also relate to the alters and cutting on the body when they are spaced out (not feeling real) or mad (showing anger), or attacking the body because they didn't like a response it had. Sometimes clothes attack the body - sometimes it is too much to have this thing that can be oversensitive. Other times it is numbed out and we feel nothing at all - not cold, hunger, pain. Well, i guess we do feel it - but it doesn't matter. Or other times we want it to not matter - as a punishment. see how long the body can endure that.

I feel that I have stopped making sense.

hi monty-girl. I have never heard anybody talk about it either! It's good to see it out there. I'm glad you posted it. I don't suffer from an eating disorder but if it weren't for my mom, or somebody taking care of the food issues, I would probably hardly eat...and for the same reasons you describe. I feel too detached from my body most times and it's just another symptom of that disconnect, like with emotions or memories etc. I can really really understand how that would fuel an eating disorder! Are there times where you feel more "hooked up" that you do eat better? Great post..thank you! helped me understand why I never want to cook or feed myself...and that's been going on for so many years I just thought it was my apathy or depression but this made something click in place.

susan

I'm glad I'm not alone on this one. This has been my major symtom and the whole reason I went to T years ago. The disconnection and the unrealness to the world around me is so overwhelming.

Many ppl don't understand. Example- Our mailbox is right next to the road. I'll check the mail and will be standing just in the road looking through the mail with out even a clue of the cars and semi's speeding around me. My family yells at me for standing in the road all the time. But I'm completely unaware of my surroundings. Just like there is no one else on this earth but me at that moment.

Susan- yeah there are times were I'm connected and hungry and wanting to eat. In fact I LOVE to cook. But there can be days where I just plain forget all together that the body needs food. Like you I have family that pretty much keep me alive. They make my meals for me, watch that I don't wonder out into the street. My body is 35 years old and I have to have ppl watch over me as if I was 4.

Hi Kiya, the anxiety and panic of this is so overwhelming. I know for me trying to figure out if things are real or not is just too much to handle. For me it puts me into a tailspin and sends me switching to deal with it.

Hey Wantt, normal DID behavior, LOL who would of thought?

With T last time I cried and just went nutz. I can't hand things like this. So when he gets back in the country, LOL, we are going to work on this.

I don't know what's up with brother yet. CT showed "area of concern". Don't like when his docs say that. Find out more tomorrow, he gets to swollow a camera. Pretty cool. HOPING it's not a relaps. He's been cancer free for just a little over a year now. If things go bad I'm going to go and stay with him to care for him. It's been a nasty divorce and he doesn't have anyone who can stay with him.

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Monty_girl said:
Hi Kiya, the anxiety and panic of this is so overwhelming. I know for me trying to figure out if things are real or not is just too much to handle. For me it puts me into a tailspin and sends me switching to deal with it.

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yeah - i think that's it. that's what happened at my choir rehearsal.

now i get a call from the clinic saying that i called and asked for a different time (other than my 10 am TOMORROW). I have no idea what they're even talking about! I didn't call... i thought about calling to change next weeks T time... but i didn't make the call... did i? =(

Depersonalization, that's me and me. Sometimes I don't know who I am, I know the name I was born with but, I don't feel like a person sometimes.
I get in the car, start going somewhere and then don't remember why I'm going there. Another one that gets me is when someone addresses the alter and I'm not in the alter mode and have to switch quickly. I am very aware of the alter and we communicate. Just don't know who I am sometimes and don't remember what the alter did at times.

Eric

it is odd - looks like i'll have some explaining to do at the clinic. i hope i still have my T appnt.