Lost since session

Therapy this morning was difficult. Still not feeling quite here. Been tough these last few weeks or so. Having awful vivid visions at night when I’m sat on the toilet and feel like I’m being watched (part of what was happening in my past). The visions appear to show things like bugs, snakes (all things that are not actually in my toilet), and I’d somehow managed to get stuck in my head. Feeling lost now.

One big struggle at the moment is saying the words like genitalia specifically. I’ve said to my therapist that I keep struggling with those and then not able to finish what I was saying. So today tried talking about it, she was saying all the words and I felt mortified. So cringy. I don’t know what’s causing such embarrassment. I’m not a prude and can say the words to my partner. I think it’s because it’s somehow sexualising me to/for her? By saying that, it’s like I’m somehow opening up to her sexually or something. Of course that’s not the case. For a long time it was all I felt good for. And that was once unsafe and so now, again, I’m finding that while nothing is happening anymore, I’m still feeling unsafe. I keep losing time. I keep losing myself. And almost like ‘wake up’ and have lost time. I don’t have alter egos or other identities but do dissociate more than I ever realised.

I ******* hate it. I hate how my life is full of these moments where I’m stuck. It bothers me that I can’t say what I need to. It’s frustrating.

Hi WonderSun.

I am sorry you're struggling with all these distressing intrusive thoughts and feelings, it's very horrible to experience all the time obviously, and I can relate to aspects of it in my own way. I also think it's great you're addressing it. Good on you!

From what I know, from what I understand, pervasive feelings of embarrassment can be related to the humiliating experiences you endured in your life. They can really get into the mind and shape aspects of how you react to certain things, especially if the humiliating experiences were ongoing through the formative years of childhood development. The humiliation (and likely other emotions too) can, in many cases, lead to a condition known as 'toxic shame' and become an almost fundamental foundation in one's emotional response.

So, that's what I wanted to share with you about that aspect of your post WonderSun. If you agree or if you can relate to it, it might be good to talk about it with your T.

Stay strong and determined, the positive feelings will return eventually.🙏

I’m feeling for you and share some of your experiences, including lost days and imaginary bugs in the toilet and being watched. I’ve learned to live with things in a lot of ways. You don’t get over but you do build around. Though triggers can disappear you it’s still possible to build your life. Have you read the Body Keeps the Score? Good insights on trauma and modes of recovery. Sending healing thoughts your way.

@mote.of.soul, thank you for your kind response. I’m sorry it’s taken so long to reply, hasn’t been an easy time of it lately. I’ve not really had the positive feelings about me or my body. It’s always been full of hatred or pain. I’m not having those vivid visions anymore, or at least haven’t in a while, but do still feel unsafe and vulnerable. The more I open up, the worse it seems to feel. And, I’ve identified, the more I seem to binge! Being reminded of horrific things sends me right back. My body hurts and I feel things inside I’d much rather forgot!! I’m trying, and often feel like I’m failing

@wordshaker, thank you for your kind reply too. I’ve started reading that book, oh months ago I think now, but didn’t get very far. It’s very difficult to follow. The way it’s written is not in the best format. While I’m not thick by any measure, for something as important and deep as body memories, trauma and trauma responses, I think it needed to be dulled down a bit more. It’s not an easy read from what I’ve discovered so far, but I do wanna read it. I will, in time. Thank you for your healing thoughts, same back to you!

Hard to read about trauma when you’re traumatized. I couldn’t operate an atm the other day. There’s a workbook too that might clarify and make it more applicable.