TW: dizzy screaming feeling

It's become so clear now. The bad part of the cycle, when I become suicidal, is when I wake up and be honest and admit to myself all of this just a sick fake dream, nothing is real. The good part of the cycle is when I pretend everything is real, I'm not alone, and life is barely tolerable.

I just don't know how to deal with this, how to handle it. I want to scream so loud, but who will hear me. Oh God..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................help me

OMG I feel so much better all of sudden recently. Our DID switching is becoming less and less hidden. That was one of our very disturbed suicidal parts. Switching from that part to a more positive part is like this kind of cool but yet warm heavenly current flowing through us. Lol I know that must sound so stupid so there's just no words to describe it. In short, it's a feeling of ecstasy. If you can imaging being in such terrible pain for a long time and then all of a sudden it vanishes.

But I'm trying to be at least a little realistic. We have a full spectrum of problems. But we're going to endure our problems for as long as it takes.

I was typing the following in the DID check-in thread but it started getting too much so I copied it here to my TW thread.

Last night while trying to sleep I could feel a part inside of us as clear as day who was making us feel very uncomfortable. Not in an evil/bad way but not in a good way either. It kinda felt like a guilty feeling but yet it wasn't. And then I started (*see note below) thinking, what if that uncomprehendable amount of torture and trauma as baby and young child resulted in creating a really evil part. Would that be "us" or is it a separate person. I don't want to be evil! What if the pain made it so strong that we can't hold it back, and it hurts the world. Should we end this body to prevent evil from harming the world? Sometimes I've thought about that. Maybe it's my duty to stop it. But I don't even know what it is, or if it even exists...

*note: while typing the word started I accidentally typed satart and it scared me so bad because at first I thought it was satan. Why would I type satart? In a weird way the r and the t together kind of form an n. I hope all of this isn't psychosis and only caution.

I know recently there's a part of the front, the host, after being in the black void for so long is so full of pain and anger that it said it hates humanity with some kind of scary gut wrenching rage. I don't know what to do.

sometimes I think about going back to therapy, but then I think about having to explain to the poor therapist an unbelievable amount of experiences that sounds like some fiction novel from hell. why would any therapist want to deal with my nightmare? which diagnoses from our past psychologists and psychiatrists would she believe because it's crazy how many there are. i don't feel like wasting typing here now. Life is just horrible