TW: dizzy screaming feeling

Just had a nap and feel much better.

I wanted to clarify something in the recent flashback the front was given. As already stated it was dark. But it was so dark that I can't say what I saw. Therefore I assumed I was in my baby crib, which was kept in the tiny office. I could hear though, very clearly, which was my voice crying "mmm my daddy" but the "my" wasn't that clear so I assume it was "my." The "daddy" was very clear and loud. One thing that was so amazing was that I felt so very much that I was in my head/mind when I was a baby, but I think I already touched upon that.

Anyway really I don't know what part I am now so I'm just going refer to Paul as "I" or "me." The above recent flashback is part of the front's memory. I don't really feel comfortably calling myself an alter. I feel like I'm part of the host and I feel like the host is also shattered. I know there's part that calls himself little Paul and he seems to be the only part of us that has an inner world life. But the inner world people say that Paul is an "age slider" and that big Paul turns into little Paul. But idk it's still a mystery to me.

There are memories of Paul (Me?) recently begging and begging and begging HAL to give him another flashback of early childhood trauma, hopefully when he was an infant. And that very day, at night while meditating HAL gave us the flashback. Interesting, just prior to the flashback I saw this dim darkish green light just prior to the flashback and something else that I've kinda forget right now, although I have to say the light didn't feel like real light, but more like an inner mind like when you try to imagine things, but it did look very real, although I know for fact inner world looks as real as outer world. I assume HAL gave us the flashback. Who else would it be. HAL is an inner world computer who told the front, Paul, "I am the keeper of the library of your early childhood memories." I also have this deep feeling that HAL does not have a body and that he talks to the inner world people like a voice that is coming from everywhere.

So HAL is the one who gives us flashbacks. The first flashback he gave us caused me what my psychiatrist calls a non epileptic seizure (NES), which is a seizure, but the person remains awake. It lasted 15 to 20 minutes of the muscles of the entire body rapidly seizing and letting go, almost like touching high voltage. During each cycle, which is when the rapid muscles are tensing & letting do, the entire body curled up a lot. Afterwards the body's muscles were very sore, especially the stomach muscles. I couldn't do anything during the NES. It sounds horrible and it was, but I/we keep telling HAL that it's perfectly fine and that I/we want another flashback. I want to say "we" because that part of Paul who was begging HAL a few days ago really doesn't feel like me. But we are begging HAL to give us as many flashbacks as possible, but I think HAL feels bad about our NES.

Idk where this is going. I've always had this gut feeling my dad took me to this facility or place where they did things to me. I have memories of one of the inner world people telling us, the front, that when the body was a baby our dad took us to a government place where they did things to us and that the inner world people believe it was part of MK-Ultra. Also the inner people say that our dad took us what they think is a court where my dad got the judge to free us from having to take us to the facility where supposedly they shattered our mind, but our much older demon brother surely had no problems doing that. Anyway if true then I think my dad signed me up for some government project. Perhaps they promised my dad it was an experiment to increase a child's intelligence. One thing is 100% true, and that is I have always thought completely different than kids and adults. Like, it's so different I have often felt like an ET. And I can do ultra ultra deep thinking and perceive things that other people can't perceive. Anyway I don't want to talk about that anymore.

sorry to post so much here today but I have goosebumps and instantly started feeling dizzy when thinking about that place that the inner world people say our "daddy" took us. It's china lake, california, and it's not that so far from where I grew up. There are a lot of people who claim there family / dad took them there,

NOTS China Lake, MK-Ultra.

Naval Ordnance Test Station, NOTS

and my dad is exactly 100% the type of person who'd take his child there if it meant to make his child more intelligent. Throughout my entire adult life my dad has often said he just knows I'm going to invent something big. Well, I have, many times I've designed things that would be bigger than Tesla giving the world electricity, but my mind is so shattered that so far I haven't finished one of them, but I have done a lot of big things. Apple Inc even mentioned me in a book long ago for something I did while in high school. But who cares, really. I know everyone has the ability as well. Only difference is that I was tortured to get it... well that's if my dad took me to NOTS china lake, in Ridgecrest, CA

I'm just a shattered part of the host. We have a memory long long time ago: I asked my alters to take over my body. Less than a minute I found myself ~10 inches below some type of light that I sensed was an alter. I heard very clearly & loud a voice saying "Paul, this is Ryan." I was inside a black void. It wasn't painful at all. But supposedly when us, the host, is out for a long time we drift further into darkness, no light, and we start to get colder until it's uncomfortable, and we're weightless so it always feels like we're falling, and supposedly you start to feel so far away from all life and loneliness becomes almost unbearable, and over time panic starts to kick in, and they say it gets worse and worse and worse and worse and worse until we lose consciousness, but then we wake up, and the cycle repeats.

Hm I forgot the reason for posting this

It must be possible to survive in the California forest alone without killing animals. I just heard a few inner world people near the surface talking about it and they felt happy thinking about that possibility.

Feel it again, dizzy screaming feeling

It's become so clear now. The bad part of the cycle, when I become suicidal, is when I wake up and be honest and admit to myself all of this just a sick fake dream, nothing is real. The good part of the cycle is when I pretend everything is real, I'm not alone, and life is barely tolerable.

I just don't know how to deal with this, how to handle it. I want to scream so loud, but who will hear me. Oh God..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................help me

OMG I feel so much better all of sudden recently. Our DID switching is becoming less and less hidden. That was one of our very disturbed suicidal parts. Switching from that part to a more positive part is like this kind of cool but yet warm heavenly current flowing through us. Lol I know that must sound so stupid so there's just no words to describe it. In short, it's a feeling of ecstasy. If you can imaging being in such terrible pain for a long time and then all of a sudden it vanishes.

But I'm trying to be at least a little realistic. We have a full spectrum of problems. But we're going to endure our problems for as long as it takes.

I was typing the following in the DID check-in thread but it started getting too much so I copied it here to my TW thread.

Last night while trying to sleep I could feel a part inside of us as clear as day who was making us feel very uncomfortable. Not in an evil/bad way but not in a good way either. It kinda felt like a guilty feeling but yet it wasn't. And then I started (*see note below) thinking, what if that uncomprehendable amount of torture and trauma as baby and young child resulted in creating a really evil part. Would that be "us" or is it a separate person. I don't want to be evil! What if the pain made it so strong that we can't hold it back, and it hurts the world. Should we end this body to prevent evil from harming the world? Sometimes I've thought about that. Maybe it's my duty to stop it. But I don't even know what it is, or if it even exists...

*note: while typing the word started I accidentally typed satart and it scared me so bad because at first I thought it was satan. Why would I type satart? In a weird way the r and the t together kind of form an n. I hope all of this isn't psychosis and only caution.

I know recently there's a part of the front, the host, after being in the black void for so long is so full of pain and anger that it said it hates humanity with some kind of scary gut wrenching rage. I don't know what to do.

sometimes I think about going back to therapy, but then I think about having to explain to the poor therapist an unbelievable amount of experiences that sounds like some fiction novel from hell. why would any therapist want to deal with my nightmare? which diagnoses from our past psychologists and psychiatrists would she believe because it's crazy how many there are. i don't feel like wasting typing here now. Life is just horrible