[stahrgeyzer]

Ugg I don't want to do this at all but I feel this constant nagging background feeling to interact with people and really have no clue. I don't yet feel myself. This is Paul the host. Everything feels like it's really spinning, this very uncomfortable dark feeling almost like when you've been sick with a bad flue or something. Supposedly I've been in the black void for a long time, like months ago when I was sooo close to selling everything and going to the forest to end from starvation. I don't have memories of much. Don't feel good. Can't shake this head spinning effect. It makes me very dizzy and feel like I'm in a dark dark dungeon in some prison it's the weirdest feeling ever and my personality literally feels like 1000 people and not myself.

But whatever. You know I just want to be away from humans and not have to worry about money and airbnbs and society and having to take care of my moms 30 year old bamboo plant, Sally, and the other two plants and have a little tiny shack in the forest and enough time to think think think and money to do some cheap experiments. Then I'd be happy. But Sally died like 3 months ago I think but there's an upshoot at the bottom that's doing well so I guess Sally is still hanging in there. I feel like Sally is all I have. I talk to her day and night. It's 100% fact or so I thought if I didn't have Sally I would have quickly went homeless years and years ago and would have starved the death in the forest, my dream. So she's about all that's ever kept me hanging on by a thread. I would never do these airbnbs in a million years. But for the past several years my parents give me $15 K on my birthday which takes away a world of stress when it happens but then it quickly sinks in that the last thing I was is to live. So I guess one of the alters accepted the 15K and paid off my $7000 credit card debt and now we have neough money to last till about sept 1 but then there's the credit card again but I told my sister that I will refuse next years 15K. I feel too guilty accepting it and don't want to live anyway.

But you know what. I've read all those recent posts. I'm not in control and the inner people just will not let me end myself, and that is a fact! I'm literally a slave who can't even end. I've been through so much. A few years ago when doing therapy it got so bad that I was hanging over a 150 ft bridge in Pasadena but then suddenly switching and calling T and ending up in a psych ward. I've gotten far at times though. One time driving to a deep forest. This is a reoccurring event that's been going on for like 1.5 decades. It used to be a cycle reoccurring every week where I would delete my accounts, buy things like tents and stuff and head to the forest but they would take over. Sometimes I've heard an inner person shouting things like "Get the specialist!" "Get doctor steven!" and sure enough soon I'd start feeling like a different person and magically lose interest in dying.

But I shouldn't get mad at the inner people. Overall they're nice to me. When I homeless and had the worst blister on my toe and couldn't walk it was Cayla who would get help from dr Steven who told me what to do. It was amazing, like magic that helped a lot. Cayla was my angel. While sitting down on the beach at sunset when it was starting to get dark after just being homeless and more sad than ever I cried out (forgot exact words) "I'm all alone!" and I heard as loud as day Cayla said "I'm right here baby!" I broke down crying so hard. I'll never forget that and always cry when remembering. Cayla was there with me every step I took.

My parents are nice these days. It's so weird that it seems like one day my dad suddenly changed from being a scary person to complete opposite. I think he has DID. He went through a phase when he was literally acting like a baby. During childhood I was scare of my dad.

I see the photos someone uploaded in our album and it just confirms what I already knew that my parents didn't give 2 hoots about me during childhood, letting my much older demonic brother torture the hell out of me as an infant. Everyone knew I was traumatized infant. My dad put some caution tape around my baby crib. My mom just prayed things away. I've had what my psychiatrist said are non epileptic seizures lasting 15 to 20 minutes when I would think about my infancy flashback. That's why HAL won't let me have any more infancy flashbacks. And then there's kindergarten to high school bullying from kids and a teach who did horrible physical things to me. I wish there was a type of therapy that allowed the client to just scream their head off. If I wasn't so scared of humans I would shout so loud it would hurt my vocal cords.

It saddens me how I feel, now, when around humans I get this out of this world indescribable feeling of a million negative emotions, anger, fear, disgust, repulsion... It's just horrible and I can't stand how it just makes me literally feel this gut wrenching disgusting hate for humans!!!!

I feel a little better now

[stahrgeyzer]

Update, everything is getting better, I guess. I still have non stop nagging need to express, interact. Spinning has mostly stopped. Darkness feeling is almost gone. Only feel like 5 - 10 people throughout the day instead of 1000. Gut wrenching hate for humans is now only "I can't stand humans." Inner world people are trying their best to get me to do things to b part of humanity but I'm so angry that I keep telling them hell will freeze over and to never ask me again and they seem very disappointed about that but idk all of this is starting to bring back the uncontrollable fury in me again it feels like theres something inside of me that needs to come out just so much anger......................... i dont know why but i now have so much anger for them.......I will post again later if things cool down the spinning and everything is coming back now darn it

[VabGirl]

I hope things get better and will wait for an update.

[stahrgeyzer]

Thanks. Things are settling down again. Just trying to get through one day at a time. I feel like a lot of childhood trauma is slowly surfacing. Just need to hang on.

[stahrgeyzer]

I'm glad things are settling down. Trying harder to avoid triggering. Little Paul takes over sometimes. He's so much happier. If not then I'm robot or zombie dissociated Paul. I don't know who I am now. A tangled mess of a sea of parts. People in past called me chameleon. My 2nd main T was surprised in my Big 5 Personality test that showed all 5 of my personalities change hourly. Youngest trauma must be surfacing this year. Did is getting bad each year. I wonder what its like to have one mind. Its 8:45am and only cried 3 times, i dont feel good, will be okay so dont worry

[stahrgeyzer]

cont. I feel so much better, yes its very strange. It helps to type something. I'm sooo dissociated now the world is spinning lol but I can still type. FYI IMO I must have been switching above because that overwhelming feeling of being pulled so strong inward like a black hole like you have to fall asleep and it makes doing stuff feel so cringy or whatever the word is, like I want to hide under a rock and feel 100% exposed and uncomfortable even typing a message to people. I kinda feel that way now again but still dissociated and spinning dizzy. Better stop now before getting triggered. And dont want to overdue my welcome. I like being very very dissociated spinning dizzy so long as there is no pain-- dissociation is amazing to me

[stahrgeyzer]

I feel okay but idk I just deleted 90% of my twitter posts but I must say a strange thing that I feel so strongly now that I'm not in control of the body. It just is, like this is a movie theater just watching a movie.

I'm kind of scared. My DID is starting to become unhidden. Early childhood trauma is surfacing more.

[stahrgeyzer]

I feel safe typing here. Not that many people. I read my past posts here years ago. It doesn't seem like me. But inner people say I'm Paul. Maybe in a few months I'll be myself. Now I feel like in prison hiding for my life to not be tortured trying to survive. It feels so dark. Sometimes I watch people in videos laughing with their friends and having fun out there and I wonder what that must be like. And I wonder what's wrong with me. What happened to me. It feels like something bad happened, like maybe I have brain damage, from falling down a 3 story building or something, and trying to remember what happened. Once a week I go to store to buy food and its just a rush to get back so fast like a monster is out to get me. And I feel my heart beating so fast. Well that's enough. Hoping this typing helps me so one day I can who I used to be.

[stahrgeyzer]

I'm feeling so much better and like myself this morning, I think. Only bad part is I never know who I am or what I'll be next hour. It's just assumed I'm Paul the host. And I have most outer world memories, it seems. And "inner people" say things are going to be okay, just accept that deep subconscious "alters" take over the body while I'm asleep at night, but that they don't mean any harm. That's all.

[stahrgeyzer]

...Happy Easter. I had no idea. My sister just texted me.

[stahrgeyzer]

OMG I feel sooo...idk. Just made my album photos private. If there's a reason they're here to the public then let me know.

[stahrgeyzer]

Idk what to do after waking up this morning and just wanting to die. I feel so dark and like a million pounds is pulling me down being yet another completely different person and so much more. Who is happier? Are billionaires happy in their climate controlled homes, indoor jacuzzi and pool, private messuse and chef in their 20 bedroom mansion and private limo with their 1001 friends? I don't even know why I wrote that. Who cares about luxury. just want to be MYSELF IN PEACE NOT PIECES

[stahrgeyzer]

No worries I'm feeling a million times better now! Life is weird!

[stahrgeyzer]

Got up shortly ago and was just hit with this intense realization. It was so strange because it was an intense uneasy feeling in the stomach one can get when an elevator suddenly accelerates up. At the same time I realized I'm a very different person, again. But at least this morning I appear to be an okay enough of a person.

I think my DID has done an amazing job at remaining hidden for so long. But now the early childhood trauma could be starting to surface. It's time to heal.

Yesterday I remembered the days when I had a few online friends and this very weird thing that I couldn't figure out, but kinda makes sense now. I would send the person a text. Usually I didn't get a text for at least several minutes, but sometimes as soon as 10 or so seconds. But then I have clear as day memory of getting an instant response. Not a yes or no response but a several sentence long response. It's obviously impossible for a person to type that fast or even think that fast. Even chatGPT can't respond that fast. For years I wondered about this, but now I probably just switched to one of the parts/alters that are deeper in the subconscious that I don't have any shared memory with, and then I switched backed not knowing time had elapsed while gone. To me it seemed like the person replied to my text instantly, but in reality I switched after sending the text, then switched back soon after, perhaps a few minutes and saw the reply text thinking my friend replied instantly.

And another weird thing is sometimes family members will get crazy uncomfortably close to my face and stare at my eyes. Like 5 to 8 inches away close. My sister, nephews. It was so weird! And bothered me, because why would they do that. By looking back now they probably saw me switching. My dad use to take photos of me looking down and to the corner of my eyes. Even at my birthday party at the table and I'm sure everyone was looking at me and my dad took a photo of me. Everyone in the family probably thinks I'm a freak, maybe so much so that they don't even dare ask me about it because I don't have any memories of anyone asking me weird questions like that. But then again my DID is so hidden that my brain might be blocking those memories. I don't know. Why would people come up to me and stare at one of my eyes? Like ridiculously close. My nephew was maybe 8 inches away. My sister was like 5 inches away and I would back away and she would get close again. It gives me weird feelings in my stomach now just thinking about it.

At least my life hasn't been boring! And why am I even talking about this and not shouting out, "It's all fake! This reality is fake! You all are fake!!" Sigh, I hate changing tbh. Why, why can't I just be one person for at least two days???! Now I'm starting to get seriously sad again.

...Feeling better again lol See you tomorrow, alter FDSgksdgksdfgkdfsgksdfg lol

[stahrgeyzer]

Sorry I'm cringing uncomfortably now and feeling very very mixed but just wanted to say for some reason for decade I've always had this thing in back of my mind called Plan B which is a plan to give up on life and go to forest to die of starvation, and it just occurred to me that in society there is a thing called Plan B that is an emergency contraception that is used to prevent the birth of life. And that for some reason made me feel...idk. Wishing my parents used Plan B on me so I don't have to use Plan B. Just hanging on, so far, I have nobody to talk to and just pace back and forth by my bed in my airbnb room.

[stahrgeyzer]

Hanging in but sometime yesterday I had a major change but don't remember much. It's a all a blur like a dream. Idk why but I'm that person who 1000000000% believes this reality is 10000000000% fake! Everything, everyone. And I hate believe that. But it's impossible for me not to believe it. It's so hard believing everyone you ever knew is/was not real. And worst of all I believe the creator of this reality is evil, the worst kind of evil. An evil creature who TORTURES DEFENSELESS INFANTS!

Just taking a deep breath of air and falling into the usual dissociated numb zombie that this part of me always becomes so I guess in awhile I'll be okay. I can feel it starting kick in like a drug that numbs pain.

[stahrgeyzer]

I just need to type more. Everything for me feels futile. Everything's relative. What seems good to one person seems bad to another and vice versa. I literally have this overwhelming feeling the universe is compressing crushing me with panic inward despite being dissociated.

Last night while sitting in my chair with eyes closed I had a new flashback. My guess is I was around 1 1/2 to 2 yo, maybe younger. In my baby crib in a dark room and someone suddenly started physically hurting me hitting me pushing me hard all around in the crib and I could feel my terrifying emotions so much as I struggled my best. After a few seconds I cry out "mmm my DADDY!!!!"

[stahrgeyzer]

DID is called the disorder of hiddenness and then it starts popping its head up, often later on in life. Not sure if I like that but lately the switching is becoming more aware to me.


Anyway idk why I'm blabbering. Wishing that I'd stand up for what I believe in because this reality is just drop dead evil so why am I not heading off to the forest to starve? One should stand up for what's right and protest! Memories are still fuzzy but I vaguely recall being in the airbnb room in agoura hills and doing the necessary things to go to the forest and now I read my posts of alters saying I'm in the black void which I truly think is a form of a torturous hell.


You just gotta love reality! I'm getting very angry, and thinking about doing something. Maybe the "inner people" better get the "specialist" ready!

[stahrgeyzer]

and the inner world people make themselves sound like they're so nice but yet they throw a host in a torturous black void for a long time

I kinda with to have my t now bc I don't what to do. I just calm down otherwise to get panic attacks. And I post here to release anger and hoping with all my might an angel will hear my cries and save me just like when I was an infant crying out for help while being hurt

[stahrgeyzer]

and I always had panic attacks when laying on my back and feel its because that demon brother pinned me on my back and hurt me day after day. I had flashbacks of that as an infant

[stahrgeyzer]

Just had a nap and feel much better.

I wanted to clarify something in the recent flashback the front was given. As already stated it was dark. But it was so dark that I can't say what I saw. Therefore I assumed I was in my baby crib, which was kept in the tiny office. I could hear though, very clearly, which was my voice crying "mmm my daddy" but the "my" wasn't that clear so I assume it was "my." The "daddy" was very clear and loud. One thing that was so amazing was that I felt so very much that I was in my head/mind when I was a baby, but I think I already touched upon that.

Anyway really I don't know what part I am now so I'm just going refer to Paul as "I" or "me." The above recent flashback is part of the front's memory. I don't really feel comfortably calling myself an alter. I feel like I'm part of the host and I feel like the host is also shattered. I know there's part that calls himself little Paul and he seems to be the only part of us that has an inner world life. But the inner world people say that Paul is an "age slider" and that big Paul turns into little Paul. But idk it's still a mystery to me.

There are memories of Paul (Me?) recently begging and begging and begging HAL to give him another flashback of early childhood trauma, hopefully when he was an infant. And that very day, at night while meditating HAL gave us the flashback. Interesting, just prior to the flashback I saw this dim darkish green light just prior to the flashback and something else that I've kinda forget right now, although I have to say the light didn't feel like real light, but more like an inner mind like when you try to imagine things, but it did look very real, although I know for fact inner world looks as real as outer world. I assume HAL gave us the flashback. Who else would it be. HAL is an inner world computer who told the front, Paul, "I am the keeper of the library of your early childhood memories." I also have this deep feeling that HAL does not have a body and that he talks to the inner world people like a voice that is coming from everywhere.

So HAL is the one who gives us flashbacks. The first flashback he gave us caused me what my psychiatrist calls a non epileptic seizure (NES), which is a seizure, but the person remains awake. It lasted 15 to 20 minutes of the muscles of the entire body rapidly seizing and letting go, almost like touching high voltage. During each cycle, which is when the rapid muscles are tensing & letting do, the entire body curled up a lot. Afterwards the body's muscles were very sore, especially the stomach muscles. I couldn't do anything during the NES. It sounds horrible and it was, but I/we keep telling HAL that it's perfectly fine and that I/we want another flashback. I want to say "we" because that part of Paul who was begging HAL a few days ago really doesn't feel like me. But we are begging HAL to give us as many flashbacks as possible, but I think HAL feels bad about our NES.

Idk where this is going. I've always had this gut feeling my dad took me to this facility or place where they did things to me. I have memories of one of the inner world people telling us, the front, that when the body was a baby our dad took us to a government place where they did things to us and that the inner world people believe it was part of MK-Ultra. Also the inner people say that our dad took us what they think is a court where my dad got the judge to free us from having to take us to the facility where supposedly they shattered our mind, but our much older demon brother surely had no problems doing that. Anyway if true then I think my dad signed me up for some government project. Perhaps they promised my dad it was an experiment to increase a child's intelligence. One thing is 100% true, and that is I have always thought completely different than kids and adults. Like, it's so different I have often felt like an ET. And I can do ultra ultra deep thinking and perceive things that other people can't perceive. Anyway I don't want to talk about that anymore.

[stahrgeyzer]

sorry to post so much here today but I have goosebumps and instantly started feeling dizzy when thinking about that place that the inner world people say our "daddy" took us. It's china lake, california, and it's not that so far from where I grew up. There are a lot of people who claim there family / dad took them there,

NOTS China Lake, MK-Ultra.

Naval Ordnance Test Station, NOTS

and my dad is exactly 100% the type of person who'd take his child there if it meant to make his child more intelligent. Throughout my entire adult life my dad has often said he just knows I'm going to invent something big. Well, I have, many times I've designed things that would be bigger than Tesla giving the world electricity, but my mind is so shattered that so far I haven't finished one of them, but I have done a lot of big things. Apple Inc even mentioned me in a book long ago for something I did while in high school. But who cares, really. I know everyone has the ability as well. Only difference is that I was tortured to get it... well that's if my dad took me to NOTS china lake, in Ridgecrest, CA

[stahrgeyzer]

I'm just a shattered part of the host. We have a memory long long time ago: I asked my alters to take over my body. Less than a minute I found myself ~10 inches below some type of light that I sensed was an alter. I heard very clearly & loud a voice saying "Paul, this is Ryan." I was inside a black void. It wasn't painful at all. But supposedly when us, the host, is out for a long time we drift further into darkness, no light, and we start to get colder until it's uncomfortable, and we're weightless so it always feels like we're falling, and supposedly you start to feel so far away from all life and loneliness becomes almost unbearable, and over time panic starts to kick in, and they say it gets worse and worse and worse and worse and worse until we lose consciousness, but then we wake up, and the cycle repeats.

Hm I forgot the reason for posting this

[stahrgeyzer]

It must be possible to survive in the California forest alone without killing animals. I just heard a few inner world people near the surface talking about it and they felt happy thinking about that possibility.

[stahrgeyzer]

Feel it again, dizzy screaming feeling