[stahrgeyzer]

It really really bothers me how I keep feeling my mom didn't take care of me when a child. People have told me that when I was an infant I was kept way too long alone naked in a dark room for extended periods. Drapes covered. Alone for my much older demon brother to enjoy torturing me every day. In all the photos of my mom back then she looked so depressed. So she had her own problems. Despite neglect, I had to hold on to her

https://mysupportforums.org/album.ph...ictureid=68545

[stahrgeyzer]

Thanks FooZe!

Looks like the only one of us, a teenage girl, had the courage to send our DID psychologist, Marc Borkheim, a text asking to go back to therapy. That was several hours ago. Delivered but not read. It's nice the teen girl initiated that but we've asked him 2 times after ending therapy with him to go back, both times he said yet, but we never followed through. Last time we contacted him where we can find a homeless shelter in LA. We didn't ask for therapy. He gave us a phone # for homeless shelter. Maybe he's given up on us. Maybe he's retired.


https://mysupportforums.org/album.ph...ictureid=68546

Today's been so weird! Lost time, deep foreign nightmare type feelings I can't describe, lot of switching.

Oh and we have decided to punish ourselves for some reason by not eating for a long time, ...fasting, yeah that's what it's called. It's 5:16pm, we ate once today and we're hungry, so it will interesting to see how long this "fast" lasts. Maybe 1 day but there are parts inside who say 100 days.


Idk why but they say there's a volcano inside about to explode. We're afraid. We really need therapy!

[stahrgeyzer]

We still have a lot of bad thoughts about our self and again we are not going to eat today. lol our did is getting bad i guess bc just now I was trapped gazing up like in a trance not able to break free lol

[stahrgeyzer]

Today was a weird day. The front was like it was years ago. Not too bad. Not too much DID stuff going on out here compared to recently. Maybe today is DID holiday. I wish every day was like today.

[stahrgeyzer]

Feeling uneasy this morning for lot of reason. One of many is the other thread about DID diagnoses and Ts. Not feeling comfortable discussing it, or anything really with humans. No offense to the person who started the thread or anyone else. Excuse my blabbering here. Guess I'm the blabbering alter. But I'm reminded of how few therapists will touch a DID diagnoses. Even my main T said she won't say a person has or does not have DID, which is why she sent me to a psychologist who has that experience. He told me I have DID, and she told me he made it clear I have DID. She said the DSM5 doesn't say how often a part/alter needs to front before saying it's DID. My DID T said the T has to make that call and that's a hole in the DSM5, which believe it or not is definitely without flaw. In hindsight he was correct with my DID diagnoses. Also people should know that DID is known as the disorder of hiddenness. Alters often grow up in inner world and can be afraid to death of outer world, going through great lengths to remain hidden. Also it's said that a person with DID can have nearly every disorder. One alter can have Schizoaffective disorder while another alter can have BPD while another alter could be bipolar. Also it's said that one reason a person probably should not self diagnose is because they may have a disorder preventing them from thinking well enough. Well, then that seems to disqualify most therapists because I've never seen a more messed up group of people in my entire life.

[stahrgeyzer]

Feeling all kinds of emotionally bad. But not suicidal. I think we ate once yesterday at dinner and it seems to be the plan now. Idk why really, maybe from self hate. That's all I have. Too much to type.

[stahrgeyzer]

Not feeling like I'm in a constant fight for my life gives me time to feel just how lonely this is. Is this life? Just being trapped inside a room, rarely talking to someone? Well at least that's one good thing about experiencing trauma is that it takes your mind off of things.

[stahrgeyzer]

I woke up feeling all over the place like I was a rag doll being thrown and beaten. Twitter sent me a community note because I showed interest in a post about a company who with an AI Therapist. Twitter says it's illegal for AI to be a therapist but can be a life coach. I hope AI can be a good therapist soon. I...what am I even typing. Anyway don't feel good, head spinning, hungry hungry hungry, this system is...

[stahrgeyzer]

HANGRY!!

[stahrgeyzer]

I'm tired of waiting to see where I'll be in life in 5 years from now. Wish there was a crystal ball.

[stahrgeyzer]

Feeling like a giant squashed me like a bug, so horrible! Don't want bother inner people, its okay, nothing new. I really really hate being a human in this world

[stahrgeyzer]

listening to No More I Love You's by Annie Lennox trying to distract not hurt myself don't worry about me it's just another day

[stahrgeyzer]

i feel like my mom won't be alive in this world much longer my dad n sister say

[stahrgeyzer]

Lot of disappointments lately but strangely enough we're still hanging in there.

I'm a part or alter who isn't interested in the starvation quest we're on, I just go along with it, but eating one meal per day is gonna make us anorexic very soon, and eventually we'll have to start eating normal otherwise our parents will notice during skype. Well only my dad now. Recently our mom is very very ill in bed sleeps almost constantly.

[stahrgeyzer]

Originally Posted by stahrgeyzer

i feel like my mom won't be alive in this world much longer my dad n sister say

My sister just called me to tell me my mom just passed away.