Other thread has reached over 100 pages so here is a new thread

[kevin_pc]

Slept good last night. Self-hating fragment is certainly present today but I'm not depressed enough to do anything. Trying to focus at work but having a hard time since it's just me and my dog here. I want to work and be productive (I'm a grad student) but it's like I fear success, whereas being a ****-up is comfortable and known. I think I'm feeling like I'm more in a mindset to work on articles and datasets, but there is this barrier still.

[Luce]

I hope your day goes okay, Kevin.

Today we go back to work after having some time off to study (blah - didn't happen). Kinda looking forward to getting back into a daily routine again.

[koru_kiwi]

daily routine is good, but we find it hard going back to work after having a holiday...it feels stressful and tiring because because we put on the facade that we are 'normal' and everything is peachy keen in life. plus some insiders struggle that they can't be themselves at work.

today i have realised that one of my littles is still upset about a major rupture that happened with T over four years ago (thought we had pretty much worked through it with T at the time...maybe it was other insiders who rectified with T). now this little is feeling sad and hurt again by what happened and i am not sure if it is worth dredging this up again in our session. it was quite painful the first time having to work through it

[Luce]

Originally Posted by koru_kiwi

today i have realised that one of my littles is still upset about a major rupture that happened with T over four years ago (thought we had pretty much worked through it with T at the time...maybe it was other insiders who rectified with T). now this little is feeling sad and hurt again by what happened and i am not sure if it is worth dredging this up again in our session. it was quite painful the first time having to work through it

Maybe if it matters to them, it just matters? I am kinda feeling that way about an inner one who asked our ex t for a session recently. There are lots of reasons why I don't think we should do it (eg - it will be disruptive and painful for others) but on the other hand I think it mattered enough to this alt to ask for it, so maybe I should honor it. I haven't decided yet.

Maybe for you, if there is still hurt then there is still healing to be done?

we're sort of in meltdown mode

we've lost our christmas decorations (bear with us, we've not lost our minds)

no.. we have christmas decorations hung on our doors all year round because it makes us feel safe- and now we've lost them, we have no clue where they are.... they've not fallen down, or taken from the handle (as far as we know), hmm... it's a strange thing.

stacy's back at work today doing her job as a therapist. like she said to us yesterday the weekends are so boring.. and she's so right

(she was going to post here, but didn't)

0 sleep again, though i suppose that's to be expected

[Luce]

That must be worrisome, SS. Do you think one of your alts might have interfered with them?

Originally Posted by Luce

That must be worrisome, SS. Do you think one of your alts might have interfered with them?

i know 1 of my alts have interfeered with them.

it's just a question of knowing which one

*sighs*

i really love my life

[Septembersrain]

Today has been bad. I keep hanging up the phone, starting things, then not realizing I'm doing them. My blackouts are on a whole new level today. Anything stressful and I'm feeling anxious, then I'm gone. I'm having to try to focus really hard because I feel like nothing is real right now. Like I'm in a bad movie. I keep watching documentaries to keep my mind in check. It feels foggy, my head hurts, and I'm finding myself unproductive.

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[Luce]

Second day back at work, working with the woman who triggers the heck outta me. Last night I was reading about trauma and attachment and recognized the pattern in how she behaves towards me... (it has always been obvious to me that she has dissociation/unresolved trauma stuff going on.)
Her relationship with me is as an internalized abuser to a weaker object. With others she is the 'good' person, an almost child like persona that seeks attachment by pleasing everyone around her. With me she attacks, criticizes, belittles... she often speaks to me with what I can only describe as 'venom'. At least now we have a third person working with us, and this person was shocked to see how I was treated and was able to stand up for me. (When this woman attacks me I haven't figured out how to stand up for myself yet... I freeze, switch, have panic attacks etc).
I hate my work at the moment.

still no sleep.

still no sign of our door decorations

otherwise good. we ordered some twizzlers off amazon, after someone suggested we might enjoy them

having takeout pizza tonight

[koru_kiwi]

Originally Posted by Luce

Maybe if it matters to them, it just matters? I am kinda feeling that way about an inner one who asked our ex t for a session recently. There are lots of reasons why I don't think we should do it (eg - it will be disruptive and painful for others) but on the other hand I think it mattered enough to this alt to ask for it, so maybe I should honor it. I haven't decided yet.

Maybe for you, if there is still hurt then there is still healing to be done?

yes, i think you are right. i talked to hubby about it a bit and he thinks it would be a good thing to bring up at this weeks session, but i do worry that it will be disruptive for others in my system, and this particular issue already feels like it has been beaten to death over the years...

uggg extremely switchy today.

not going to fight it- all ready lost an hour

and we have voices of the first person in our life who we ever showed ourselves too, open and honestly

oh.. maybe being online here a bit will help me stay in the present

[kevin_pc]

Originally Posted by Luce

Second day back at work, working with the woman who triggers the heck outta me. Last night I was reading about trauma and attachment and recognized the pattern in how she behaves towards me... (it has always been obvious to me that she has dissociation/unresolved trauma stuff going on.)
Her relationship with me is as an internalized abuser to a weaker object. With others she is the 'good' person, an almost child like persona that seeks attachment by pleasing everyone around her. With me she attacks, criticizes, belittles... she often speaks to me with what I can only describe as 'venom'. At least now we have a third person working with us, and this person was shocked to see how I was treated and was able to stand up for me. (When this woman attacks me I haven't figured out how to stand up for myself yet... I freeze, switch, have panic attacks etc).
I hate my work at the moment.

I'm glad you have another person with you now! I'm so sorry you're in that situation! Several years ago I had a boss was very similar to how you described your co-worker. She had a diagnosis to work with but didn't disclose it or how it affected her relationships. I hope your co-worker can take steps towards her own healing, and that YOU are safe in the meantime!

spent yesterday afternoon drawing animals to stick on our wall

all red animals

red parrot, red dog, red cat, red snake, red lion

we are feeling pretty focused and with it for the moment

[Luce]

I have been trying to write out the weeks long list of bullying incidents at work to make a formal complaint. I can't do it. Everything is so switchy and chopped up. I just keep losing time.

I feel insane.

we seriously have nothing else to do, so are wondering why our toes are tickly

toes toes, tickly toes,

why mine are tickly, no boddy knows!

thanks to something that happened yesterday, we currently have no sterrio

blah

[Patagonia]

My niece recently graduated from college with a psych degree & wants to move on to her Masters.
I got a chance to talk to her about what she'd like to do in the future.
I told her I'm a huge fan of IFS therapy that I've been using & reading about for years Bec of my issues with dissociation.

She said she didn't know about IFS! I asked her if she wanted to specialize in CBT & she really couldn't say much.

I don't get this! Wouldn't they cover the basic foundations of psychology in college? How would she know what to specialize in if she doesn't even know what's out there?
I really wonder about the psych industry.....

[Septembersrain]

Oh gee wiz. I had to stop the Zyprexa. It was making me so agitated I almost broke my laptop. I was starving like all day long. I felt like I was bordering on being a threat to others and myself.

I'm doing psychotherapy in two weeks. They need to stop using me as a guinea pig! These medications are going to kill me.

I still can't remember a few things lately and I know it'll take time. I'm just sick of losing my memories when I get over anxious. These blackouts are scary. =(

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not a bad day, i think all the hours are their....

only thing is we still can't find our door decorations. no one will admit to taking them

[Luce]

I am wondering what is going to happen at work tomorrow now that I have spoken to management about the ongoing bullying (again). I am worried.

[lucidity11]

I recently went through a very emotionally stressful time. I feel a little numb from it but I am still trying to figure out stuff that needs to be done each day. I feel very similar as I did years ago when I didn't know I was DID. Actually I don't know what to feel. I'm scared, even terrified by my son's accident. I am in the work mode of making sure he is getting the right care and the insurance company isn't dictating his hospital release date. He will need income so i am trying to work that out. He will need some sort of out patient physical therapy to get back to being able to do things for himself and he will need psychiatric care to provide meds and cbt. He is already starting to be a little paranoid about his diagnosis because he doesn't recall any of his psychotic behavior. It feels like a lot right now. Just wanted to get that out into the open.

[Septembersrain]

Today I found my mother had basically lied about her whole life. Since she's not alive anymore I may never fully piece together the truth.

I'm frustrated and now feel I know even less about myself. Fun. I'm flabbergasted...

Now I don't even know my own history, nationality, family, etc.

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