[Kiya]

OMG i am all over the place today. Was ok this morning, then went to rehearsal and totally switched. It's like i can't do music any more. it used to be my life - but really i don't think i was ever aware how much switching i did in the old days. Totally switched out - skin killing me - want to get out of this body!!! Came home. mom told me my gran says "give her (me) an hug for me, i haven't seen her since last april" - because i am not talking to that side of my fam any more cuz they suck.
i said to her "too bad" . mom said "she should have been nice - nice to our precious daughter". then tries to touch me
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr if i had anywhere else to go i would already be long gone and not talk to her any more either. she's been abusive to me too. i confirmed last year that she touched me sexually in the bath as a baby up until 3 yrs old when i started fighting her... just as my gran did.
i'm sooooooooooooo *&^%#$!*
I just wanna get out of here!!!!
But i have no where to go
this is where i tune out or go sleep or cut or....
i just dunno. why everything has to be so *%$&^#! hard!
I applied for food stamps... they gave me 10 dollars a month. TEN! If i really only needed that little a month do they really think i would have wasted my GD time?!!?
*&^%
To ^#*! with everything.

[Fragmented]

Kiya, I am so sorry you are stuck in the place where the abuse happened. That is very very traumatizing. I know as that is how I grew up and I did the same thing. I don't think I was ever "at home" in my mind until I got away from home. I said out of my body and just let my alters take it all. I did that in my 20's too because I did not know how to function much as me. Well basically I was usually not me my others did the socializing. I just went along for the ride but never remembered anything. I was absent, not at the helm.

I too was SA as a child and am only now remembering this in flashbacks and boy is it h*ll.

Is there no one, other family, you might be able to go stay with. Are you older than 18 that it is an option?

I feel so bad for you and wish I could get you out of that. It is not right you must remain in the same house with the abuser especially when it is your family.

Remember though you are a special person and worth all the gold in the world. And you are better than they are!!!

fragmented

[Kiya]

...thanks. there is no where to go. i am of age. i just can't seem to manage out in the big bad world. i've moved out several times, only to return with my tail between my legs.

i do have family in l.a. but it is her brother. if i go there (and i'm sure i could w/o rent) she'd be sure to follow me. She says she can't live w/o me.