[iamtwilight]

So yeah, the past few days have been really rough. The little one keeps demanding attention but I'm not sure if it's necessary to give it because I might not even be DID. And the rest of the system is confused and whacked out because the little one makes everyone feel there's something very wrong.

I don't know when this stuff started.. I don't "remember" much.. Even my graduation from high school is full of blanks.. And I already then noticed that it was weird.. My childhood.. Even more full of blanks. Remember playing in a field of daisies.. Haha. Not much more really.

So mostly I feel like I've just been thrown out here, clueless, split into (at least, if DID) 4 different parts and none of them knows my "real" name. It's just the name my physical body and some parts know.

The future prospect seems quite gloomy. I posted about the DID suspicions on a Finnish forum, I was told I shouldn't ask if I could be tested for DID since they would not believe. Can't afford a trauma specialist.. Not a single one in my area..

There's so much that also doesn't fit the puzzle. I'm sometimes aware of what my alters do.. I can watch them write in my journal.. On the other days, I find myself having a cup of coffee though I do not drink coffee. Reading websites in Dutch.. (I don't know Dutch at all, maybe a few words but it's because I took German in high school) All these weird things that do fit the puzzle but on the other hand I think it's just my psychosis, creating my alters, from stuff I've read here and on other sites, seen in movies..

I don't know.. It's all so weird, so... unbelievable. "Not me". If I could talk to my psychosis, I would tell it to stop. I never know what the day is going to bring, and yesterday I was stressed all day because of the little one. Ended up (even as me) just browsing The Garden for safe pictures and just looking at them.

Thank god there is a forum like that.

And now? Yeah. I really have no idea. I guess all I can do is hope that this day turns out for the better.

Eugh, I'm sorry I complain so much. I promise I'll make it up to you guys when I'm in better spirits. Thanks for reading.

Katie & friends

[Zorah]

(((((Katie & friends)))))

try to talk to the littles, sweetie, you might need to hear what they have to say

we don't have a "real" name either, maybe one day we will have one
don't worry so much about this place here, PC, it is a good healing place

[iamtwilight]

Thanks (((Zorahs)))

All I got out from the little one was that she was satisfied with the food I had cooked. Most of us were disgusted though, hehe.

[bipolar_bear]

Maybe everyone inside can start to get to know each other.

I am glad you found us.

BB

[iamtwilight]

Thanks ever so much BB. That's what I'm gonna do.

I'm glad to have found this place as well.

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((Katie_Kaboom))))))))))))

I so understand what you mean about not remembering. My first memory is from when I was a young adult. I just thought it was normal until I talked with my therapist and found out that while a lot of people don't remember every event in their lives, they do actually remember a lot.

Since then, I've realized I missed adult life too: my children as small children, events with friends, etc. Sometimes I think I was better off when I was oblivious lol, but T said I was still struggling and in distress, I just wasn't aware of it and you can't change what you don't know.

Do you have opportunity to find a therapist? Even one who doesn't have knowledge of DID should be able to be a support to you as you learn more about yourself.

Take care and keep posting.

[iamtwilight]

Thanks so much ((((wanttoheal)))). It's sort of relieving to hear it's happened to others as well, but it makes life seem like a mess I've been thrown into with vague clues.

I have a therapist, a psychiatric nurse. I'm also going to have to change because I'm moving (maybe that's why the little one emerged so quickly), but maybe, if I see a T for long enough, the puzzle pieces (for them) will start to fit and I will find out if I'm DID or not.

You take care too. I will keep posting. ;D

[wanttoheal]

Yea, sometimes things can happen that upset the system. Mine seemed to have worked pretty well with me staying clueless, according to T, until a couple major crises in a row made things not work so well anymore. One of the crises threw my brain back in time to when I was helpless, which caused a whole lot of stuff.

I'm glad you have support until you move and hope that you will be able to find a new T quickly once you've settled.

[iamtwilight]

I sure have to find a new T.. I tried to go to my new T and he diagnosed me with schizophrenia.

Of course I didn't tell him that I think I'm DID.. Not a word about the alters.. But he did tell me I'm either schizophrenic or have a some sort of dissociative disorder since my childhood is a blur.

And the worst thing was that he told me "your illness is incurable. You have to eat meds for the rest of your life in order to be normal." what the...

Anyone who says that is not a good T. Never going there again.

[Kiya]

Ok - most DID people get a lot of diagnoses first. I had 5 before this one. And people who don't believe in or know of DID/MPD are going to label it schizophrenic. DID (from my understanding and a lot of reading) is "curable" or at least one can deal with it as the parts start having communication with each other. Memory can fill in, cooperation can happen... things improve.
You might do some DID esearch, highlight the things that you are experiencing, and take it in to that T. THey can't help with what they don't know.
My current T knows very little about DID also (she's a psych and a PMHNP like your former one) so i bring her everything i can get my hands on; books, articles, things i see online... my journals... everything.

When i was trying to move, my littles (there are several) went into tantrums. I didn't understand why my efforts were being sabotaged, but it was because we moved a lot as a kid and that was when a lot of bad things happened. THe kids associated safety with certain things and panicked at the thought of those changing.

Hope you're ok out there.... Kiya

[iamtwilight]

Thanks so much for your ideas Kiya. It's good to see there are Ts out there who are willing to receive material from patients. I wish the psychiatric nurse I'm still seeing was like that, that I could just come to her office and ask if I can be tested for DID, or if we could consider the possibility.

Maybe it's alright to complain about some symptoms and then kind of make her think of the possibility of DID.

With it being confused with schizophrenia is difficult because I had psychosis. It's even more difficult for me to tell whether my DID stuff is real because it still might be the psychosis.

Anyway.. This was a long ramble. But thanks Kiya, your reply made me feel a bit better.

[Zorah]

(((((Katie))))) we do not take any psych meds anymore & we never have taken anything more than anti-depressants & minor sedatives

many therapists do not believe in DID, we hope you can find one who does, but we became co-conscious just working on it here at PC (we HAD been in therapy for most of 40 years)

there is really no "test" for DID, nor for psychosis.

(((((wantto))))) we thought that post of yours, the one before last was great.

we are sorry we are not expressing ourselves well lately

[Kiya]

Katie - I'm seeing a t who is both a psychiatric nurse for the clinic, as well as a PsyD and the founder of the clinic - and she is new to DID. but she trusts that I know what I'm talking about and reads anything i give her.
Try bringing in materials to your t... the book i brought mine was The DID Sourcebook. i can't remember who it's by...
best...
kiya

[Fragmented]

Katie Kaboom, I had a reply typed for you and somehow I deleted it. I have been switching at an all time high lately and maybe one of them did it. They really hate when I discuss things. But here goes the second time. My p-doc gave me the DID dx and he was the second therapist I saw. The first gave it too me too. It actually made me feel better to have a second opinion but that is not why I went to him. I needed a therapist I thought was better qualified to deal with all my dissociating. Therapy will bring about more switching and it is vital that the therapist is handling it correctly so that you learn how to contain yourself too. Mine has a great deal of experience with DID. He trained at one of the best places in the country. And even still it is hard sometimes with him. My perception is distorted and I make leaps that he is like everyone else. Those that did not believe me, or those that harmed me. I trust no one and he is included. Men or women. I have trouble with all.

Even after the DID dx, I still questioned it with him. One of my alters threw all kinds of crap at him, and he took it. He has taken me calling myself crazy and all kinds of things and he calmly deals with it while letting me know we are wrong and can trust him. Slowly I am beginning to trust him. The other day I switched three times to 2 different alters and then passed out. Way too much for my system I guess. Anyway, he deals with it well. All in all, that was a good session. Hard but good. Just realize that you resisting the DX is part of your alters trying to keep everything a secret too, IMHO. It is protection, secrecy is the name of game, at least for me. And part of it too is the fear no one believes you, as well as it is hard for us to believe ourselves when our families did not keep us safe in the first place. I told my therapist yesterday, I thought the real me had been killed years ago and that I was only left with fragments. That is all I really was, were fragments. he proceeded to tell me why I was wrong and I did leave feeling better. It is still too early in therapy for me to be able to keep that feeling long but since I felt it for a little while I trust in maybe feeling it again. So I understand. I think names are over rated too, for me it was all about the secrets. So a name was a name to keep us all safe. We said whatever we needed to get people to go away. So a name is a name unless we need people to go away. I don't think they are so important. I also think the experts have only scratched the surface of DID. IT is as individual as the individual involved. And that makes a DX harder. So don't beat yourself up. It sounds to me you have had it rough. And you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. It really does help to talk to each one inside your head. I have been doing that and it is a little better now. So do try it. It does work some. Not always but some. I have only 4 memories from my childhood. I am 49. Not much there you know. But I am having flashbacks. They are coming back slowly. and it is not pretty but if I am too try and have some control over this, it is the way. Something I have realize is that you must do some this yourself. And realizing that the dissociation saved you is the first step. And the second is that to continue it can have consequences. So to try and gain some control is important. I hope you get some therapy that helps. I would be happy to help in any way I can. I have realized some things in my journey to this point and I am happy to share in any way I can.

fragmented

[iamtwilight]

Zorah, Kiya, Fragmented.

Thank you so much.

I'm a little emotional right now, it's sometimes difficult to get that people want to help you.

But I'm very grateful for all the replies. I'm definitely going to take the advice offered. Those who know about my suspicions have been supportive, and believed me. Just been dealing with bad docs, Ts, nurses.. Afraid it'll always be the same. That I demand too much when I'm really not worth it.

I'm pretty optimistic though. Going to do what I can, trying to figure out the system, how we work, everything. Someday it will all make sense.

[Kiya]

i believe you're right - "someday it will all make sense."
you're worth it!

[Fragmented]

Katie, my p-doc had to point out to me all the people in my life that have tried to help me and I did not let them. I did not realize they were trying to help .
It is hard, hard because the dissociation I think while saving us also sometimes blinds us to the help we might get. I have always been kinda numb. And then there is the not trusting part.

It is hard but everyone is right you are worth it. That part is hard to get too. My p-doc points out how worth it I am and I just never thought about that. Being worth it I mean.

I almost left this site today until I saw your post because I felt no one was responding to my posts and I was feeling invisible. See how we internalize stuff that is wrong probably but that is a trait I don't think I am alone in having just hard to break.

I was in chat last night revisting a friend that is here, she actually recommended this site. She isn't DID but told me in an email about this site. She said you will like this site it has come to be a home for me. I liked that.
I haven't had many of those places to feel like some place could feel like a home.

Now is a struggle as my flashbacks are taking over and even now my heart is racing with inside struggles but I am glad you responded to one of my posts. thanks for making me feel better too.

[Kiya]

Frag - i'm sorry you're feeling invisible. I hope the awareness of that changes with time.
((((((((((((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))))))))))))))
kiya

[Fragmented]

thanks Kiya

fragmented