wanting to disappear, hate

Hi....i've had one of those days where the loneliness could not be penetrated or argued with....

in therapy, my therapist wondered "if I was about to dissociate?" She asked me how that made me feel.
I answered, "pretty %#@&#!. I try so hard not to."

all of the sudden, therapy was scary. I could only think of home where i can let my mind go for a while, where i don't have to bleed out on the inside while on the outside, i appear normal. the therapy wasn't safe today.

i kept hating me today. I didn't want to hear any bad things about the abusers....i just wanted them back because they are dead and they at least gave a %#@&#! enough to bother with me. Didn't want T to bash them today.

Couldn't get out of my own way. Yet........
it's all in the past, mainly.
Why does it keep hurting? I feel like i am forever damaged.
Felt myself back away a little from sharing with T or others. Discovered i need to learn to be my own friend....

I hope everyone is doing well in this forum.... i know it's a hard time.

((((((((Shellbe))))))))

((((((((((((( shellbe )))))))))))))))

I so understand what you're saying and hope things calm as soon as they can.

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Discovered i need to learn to be my own friend....

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Such a true statement, and so hard for use to do... This is my hope for us all.

KD

hope you're ok out there!