I am trying to disappear....

I have been eliminating people out of my life for several years now. I am an introvert, and they tend to bother me. The only one that is left is my mother, and people that keep trying to reach me but I never answer my phone. What I have figured out is that I am trying to transcend reality. However I cannot escape myself. Can you disappear?
I mostly feel okay with self preservation through Isolation, but I don't feel like other humans. I feel like Travis Bickle on Taxi driver.

"The days go on and on... they don't end. All my life needed was a sense of someplace to go. I don't believe that one should devote his life to morbid self-attention, I believe that one should become a person like other people." Quote from taxi driver.

The world is chaos and here I am standing still as it zooms around me. I don't feel as though I am relative to very much at all. Here on earth I am in a state of atonement. I am here but not here. I have goals that I meet, and things that I do, but I never feel fulfilled because there is no one to share them with. Is this dissociative disorder?

> Is this dissociative disorder?

It sounds to me as though you are trying to solve a problem. Maybe not in a way that promises to be particularly effective in the real world, but you are trying to solve it. If you can better identify the problem, maybe you can see a more effective way of dealing with it...

Sounds like Major Depression to me ... Sorry you are experiencing that. I know from experience it is a living hell ~
by reaching out to talk to ppl however is a good choice!
Eliminating ppl out of your life at this time that bother you - may not be such a bad thing - if they make you feel bad about yourself. You sound like a worthwhile person to get to know however. You need healthy support for sure .. someone you can talk to and feel safe and comfortable.
Dissociation form ppl is a little different from say ..losing time .. and not realizing it etc..
Reach out - maybe find a therapist to sort out your feelings and separate wht issues belong to you and which ones come from other people. Begin to get to realize your worth and value .. sometimes you just have to build yourself up to that point..but is possible.
If we coud dissappear .. thinking.... would it bring happiness? Find Joy in the little things in life .. they may be small but there is beauty in just about everything you see around you. including yourself you were born a Miracle - you are STILL a Miracle from God
There are ppl who care about you ... especially your mom!
If one person can value the way she does .. Life is worth living .. my guess is you have many who care for you - try one person at a time .. till you build yourself up enough to take on another. Baby steps. . one at a time. .one foot in front of the other..One moment at a time will bring you peace ..more and more as time goes by.

Hope to talk to you again sometime -

im glad you posted T3. It sounds like you have some scary things going on in your life that you are trying to escape from. I'm sorry life seems so chaotic. Would it be possible for your to talk to a therpaist about what seems so unmanageable in your life? Feel free to keep posting. We care!

I would like to ask.... what part of what you are doing... feels disassociative? because you are eliminating people out of your life.... or because you do not feel connected to anyone? or because you are living the "same old same old life day after day"....

perhaps... depressed???

so... to answer your question... in my opinion... I am not a T... pdoc....it sounds like you are trying to figure out the meaning of life.....

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freewill said:
I would like to ask.... what part of what you are doing... feels disassociative? because you are eliminating people out of your life.... or because you do not feel connected to anyone? or because you are living the "same old same old life day after day"....

perhaps... depressed???

so... to answer your question... in my opinion... I am not a T... pdoc....it sounds like you are trying to figure out the meaning of life.....

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Thank you everybody for your responses. I really needed them.

You are right I am depressed, but It won't go away. I am 25 and I have been depressed for at least a decade. Things change. and I change things and yet things are still the same. and lately I have been feeling extreme apathy. I am starting not to feel some emotions.

You are also right about the meaning of life. I think I figured a lot of it out, and it's distressing me. I am very angry and frustrated with society. I am starting to feel a high level of disdain for humans. And I feel like it's because I really care so deeply about society. I feel emotionally connected to everything and yet thrown away and so separate at the same time. These conflicts are seriously stressing my sanity.

I am starting to feel as though life here is just going to be depressing, even if I am successful or impoverished. I don't fit here. I feel like I am out of my element. I have been thinking about getting off the grid and moving into the mountains, but then I still feel like I am running from everyone. I daydream about flying to space and disappearing into dust. I fear that I will lose myself to this world. I am sorry that I posted in here but I have been slowly slipping away emotionally and physically and I thought I was disassociating.

Please do not disappear from here...PC... like I said in my PM... we are here to support you...

You sound like you are so hurting... and my questions I realized sounded so harsh... and I really truely didn't mean them to be... I just wanted to know more.. and I should have phrased it better...

I have feelings such as yours... and I have them from time to time... and I have to fight to keep them back... and yet I am not successful... it is so hard....really hard...and I have these feelings when I am depressed....

It is different for everyone....

((((hugs))) if you will accept them.....