[ginniesky]

my therapist told me to write instead of becoming a dead dolly .... i always become a dead dolly when the emotions are to much.... i don't feel like i am allowed to be mad or sad. so.... today i had a memory of the giant coming into my room at night and i started feeling mad i was mad that he hurt me and i was sad because i felt like i deserved it for being a bad girl.... my therapist told me that the giant was the one who was bad but the giant was an adult how could he be bad..... i must be the one who is bad but she says no and i am very confused..... and hurt... the hurt is so deep i feel as though i will die but she sasy not to injure myself that that doesn't really help she said to write and i am terrified of my feelings afaid to write them sometimes i wish i could kill the bad giant but then who would help me when i need help. and sometimes i am mad at the mamma for not knowing it was happening but how can i be mad at her she didn't know ....so that leaves myself .... can anyone understand me .... ? so sad .....feel all alone

[Christina86]

((((((Princess Ginnie)))))))))) Do you still go by that?

I'm glad you talked to your therapist sweetie, and she is right. The giant is the one who was bad, and you're innocent because you're young and you didn't have a choice. I know how hard that is to believe sometimes, but it's all true. I haven't lied to you yet. You can be mad at mamma too, because sometimes it helps to express yourself, and it makes you wonder if things would be different if she had known or if she had helped you then.

You are not bad, not at all.

I don't like my feelings much either... what helps me is that I talk to my big teddy bear (his name is Cuddles, and he's 3 feet tall!) and tell him what I feel. He doesn't tell people... so he's safe. What about painting what you feel? I do that too... making dark colours for some feelings, and light for happy ones. Maybe you can share that with your therapist, instead of having to write if it's too hard. The others can write instead... and you can paint.

You can talk to me whenever you want, okay? You are loved.

[iamtwilight]

(((ginniesky))) I think it's great that you're doing what your T suggested! I often don't do what my T says, leads me into big trouble hehe.

It's really tough "coming to terms" with your feelings for an abuser / for the abuse itself and the people concerning it - you tend to feel bad because you feel you deserve it. It's hard to believe - but really, you don't. You don't deserve any type of hurt. No one does. Basic human rights. :-)

But you also have the right to feel mad. Do you sometimes let your anger out? It helps! It really does. You could try throwing pillows or go outside kick dirt or something along those lines.

I also like Christina's idea of painting. Through art you can express all kinds of emotions and it's safe too.

Hope you are managing. You might feel alone - but you have us and you can come here anytime. (((safe hugs)))

[pachyderm]

It feels "safer" for a small child to blame herself than the real perpetrators -- because the child needs safe adults. And if you blame yourself then you feel maybe you can change and make it better by yourself. But it doesn't work that way. Conflicting needs and feelings, but it is not your "fault".

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( ginniesky )))))))))))))

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((Ginniesky)))))))))))) We're so glad you're here. I understand being afraid of the giant. You guys can protect yourselves now. You are older and bigger and stronger. I'm so sorry the giant was bad. It wasn't you, but I understand feeling like it was your fault. Until you can believe it yourself, perhaps you can just hear us say it. It was not your fault and you aren't bad. It's understandable that you are mad. Keep working with T. It will get better. In the meantime, please keep talking to us here. We really do care.

[ginniesky]

thank you everyone for you help... it is nice to know you are being heard (a little scary too) but mostly nice. thank you all for your thoughts ... i will try to use them ... i love painting by the way .

[wanttoheal]

((((((((((((((((((((ginniesky))))))))))))))))))