[sujunew]

I'm just trying to process everything. I 'lost time' for the first time ever today, during a session with my t. I am used to dissociating, but nothing like this has ever happened before. It was really scary. The session started, I felt myself kinda dissociating as we got into it, then next thing I knew she was finishing it. I knew straight away what had happened (why the session seemed to have ended so quickly) and because I had intended on talking to her today about the fact that I have been dissociating when I am seeing her it seemed particularly appropriate to mention all this today. She was really pleased that I told her. She also said that we had made significant progress today and asked me to come back next week (instead of in 2 weeks) as she feels like things are gaining momentum. I have always held back so much when I see her, not because I don't trust her but because that is what I have always done- kept everything to myself. I think that she is very aware that I dissociate, although we have never discussed it (apart from when we have talked about my SI and the fact that I do that when I dissociate) because recently she has been asking me to focus on the 'here and now' and what I will be doing when I leave her office, and she gives me a bit of time to refocus. I guess that the bit that I don't understand is what was happening WHLE I dissociated. I really do not understand DID and the other dissociative disorders; I just understand that normally when I dissocaite I 'zone out' for a while. Today though I was aware of everything I was saying although I said more today than I normally ever do in a session, I was more open than I normally ever am, and I am confused that I am aware of everything even though I 'lost' that time- even though I kinda know what went on in the session it really felt like it was 'another me' there. I am seeing my nurse next week so I will be talking to her then about this. I'm sorry if I have been rambling on heaps,like I said I am just trying to process all of this as it is so new to me, and scary, and really REALLY confusing. (I don't know if this is relevant or had anything to do with it, but I had had a (medical) docs appt this morning and was feeling a little stressed by that...so anxiety levels were higher to begin with)...

[Kiya]

Sujunew, that is a lot to take on in a day! Hope you are able to stay safe today, since you mentioned that yous si when you dissociate.
Thinking of you,
Kiya

[RozG]

((((((((((Sujunew))))))))))

Hope things get better for you soon. Hang in there and stay safe.

[iamtwilight]

:/ ((((sujunew))))

Hope things will get better for you soon. Take care of yourself.

[sujunew]

thanks everyone.
Since I woke this morning I haven't thought back to yesterday specifically so I am feeling alot better about it (for now!!). And Kiya, thanks for the thoughts, and no, I didn't SI

[sujunew]

"DEPERSONALIZATION DISORDER
Persistent or recurrent experiences of feeling detached from, and as if one is an outside observer of, one's mental processes or body (e.g., feeling like one is in a dream).
During the depersonalization experience, reality testing remains intact.

The depersonalization causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

The depersonalization experience does not occur exclusively during the course of another mental disorder, such as Schizophrenia, Panic Disorder, Acute Stress Disorder, or another Dissociative Disorder, and is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, a medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., temporal lobe epilepsy)."

Sorry to come back to this, but I am just trying to make some sense of what happened to me the other day. I have done nothing but think about it (until it got to the point that I had to take some of my meds to shut my brain off from thinking!) adn I am still really confused. I can't see my nurse til later next week either otherwise I would have talked to her about it and gotten some perspective. The above quote is from a link KD gave me to 'investigate' recently and it fitted but not like it does now. Where it said about being an outsider looking in is exactly what I siad to my t the other day.And that's the part that I kinda still don't understand. It says that 'During the depersonalization experience, reality testing remains intact. ' Is that why I am aware of what was going on, of what was being talked about although it felt like I was watching myself do it rather than 'actually being there'? And about the 'losing time' bit- would that be because had 'depersonalised' and was 'watching myself' rather than 'being there adn being me'?- (it is so hard to explain!). (and just for my information, as I know nothing about it, if you have DID are you aware of everything that is happening, or is it really 'lost time' that you cannot account for, have no recollection about,and you know nothing of what happened while one of your parts is out?

[(JD)]

Yes and no... Depersonalization is/can be a part of DID. You shared that you didn't know what went on in the session, so you were dissociated fully at that time, imo. During DID there can be times where you are not in control, but are aware of what another is doing and saying. For some other parts/alters of you, you may not be aware at all. As you begin to heal, and if your system is merging for that healing, then ultimately you will be aware and somewhat in control of what you are doing and saying pretty much all the time.

I think it's great that you/your system felt safe enough to share with the T! Perhaps you were stressed out about the MD visit, and either you couldn't handle it with the T, or the other part of you needed to discuss it or something with the T. It's all good, and your T sounds like someone who is able to help you with this.

Part of DID "allows" for a personal experience. That may sound conflictive regarding such a non-personal type/feeling disorder. But everyone's experience with this disorder is different, and uniquely their own. There is no right or wrong. You have in your infinite wisdom, used this ability to dissociate to protect yourself in whatever way you needed to. That's marvelous. Don't fear it, as it's all good and ok. As you progress with your T you will find many scary times, and confusion will probably come with the "program" too...but stay the course and trust your T to guide you safely through.

[sujunew]

thank you, Sky, for your information and support. (sorry, I am really grateful but can't express it at the mo lol)..

[kessa19]

Wow! Recently, I had a similar experience with my therapist. I was talking to her and all of a sudden she was asking me why I was crying. Suddenly I realized I was crying out loud but I felt like two people. I have no clue what happened, or why I was crying and it frightened me, but I think it also made me very very relieved because I don't think it would have happened if I wasn't starting to trust my therapist. I really want to trust someone so I can heal. Maybe this is a good sign that you are opening up to a trusted person. I wish you the best.

[sujunew]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
kessa19 said:
it also made me very very relieved because I don't think it would have happened if I wasn't starting to trust my therapist. I really want to trust someone so I can heal. Maybe this is a good sign that you are opening up to a trusted person.

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thanks kessa. Yes, I know just what you mean. I have been with my t for nearly 2 yrs now. I met her has a relationship therapist when my ex and I tried counselling. After we finished I felt like she was someone I could trust, and could open up to for the 1st time EVER so I contacted her and she took me on. I have seen many t's but I have never opened up to any until now (yes, those sessions were a real waste of time lol) and also, now, I am in a place where I am ready and I want to heal.

[sujunew]

It's happened again- twice. And within 2 weeks of each other. The 1st was with my t. I felt really 'odd' before I even got there; really tired and...it's hard to explain... shaky, not 'in touch' with anything,... And then during our session I was doing/saying stuff that I don't normally say or do. I was responding differently to t, and talking about stuff in a 'different' way (I am normally an introvert/lack eye contact/hold all my emotions inside me; instead I made heaps of eye contact, and was behaving in a much more extrovert way). I was aware of it but couldn't do anything to stop it. And I while I was aware of this stuff, I wasn't really aware of what we were talking about (I had to ask her today to go over what we did last time). And then at my friend's house on Sunday it was like this again- I became very extroverted, saying and doing stuff I don't normally do. And again I was very sleepy and shaky and 'not in touch'.
Now I am just feeling even more alone and scared right now.
And really, really confused.

[Kiya]

(((((((((sujunew)))))))))
try to ride it out? maybe some new learning in this
With you in heart
kiya

[wanttoheal]

Hi sujunew
Dissociation can be kind of scary at times. There are times when I am not completely gone but do sit outside of myself. For me though, I guess it's comforting, maybe because I've always done it, not sure. But it feels safe to me to watch from afar. I think for me, when it gets too scary, I just disappear and another part takes over.

I struggle more with coming and leaving type stuff. My T said I am switching in and out a lot during those times. All I know is I'm not here enough and I'm not gone enough and it's so choppy and confusing. During those times, I'd rather be all here or all gone because I can't seem to get a thing done and can't concentrate on anything. I think my brain functions well when I'm gone and another part takes over and maybe half as well when I'm here by myself lol. During the times when I am in and out, I might as well go to bed!

It does not sound like DID to me, but the dots on the dissociation line are so close and a person can be anywhere on it. That doesn't mean it's not a dissociative disorder though (and it could be DID- only a professional can diagnose that thankfully ). I think when I sit outside myself, I am experiencing depersonalization. Everyone does dissociate to a degree. I think anxiety definitely makes it worse.

I'm feeling kind of under the weather atm so I hope what I'm saying is even making sense. I'm so sorry you're struggling. Please keep us posted as to how things are going. We care about you.

[sujunew]

thanks kiya and wanttoheal
I just freaked out the last 2 times coz it was such a horrible feeling, to be 'out of control' and not being able to do anything about it...
I'm just keeping to myself as much as poss at the moment, and trying to keep the anxiety and triggers to a minimum.
Thanks again

[wanttoheal]

Hi again sujunew
I totally understand freaking out. It feels like I've made a profession of it sometimes lol.

I think retreating and regrouping is a good thing. When I do that and then come back out, I am often stronger for it. Do what you need to do to take care of you.

[Kiya]

lol - yes it does feel like a profession, doesn't it.
t told me that i am living an avoidance life (duh) and need to live an active involvement life. Well, if i knew how, i guess i would be doing it. but everything has so many triggers and triggers = switching, confusion, and panic as well as that beloved feeling of loss of control.

((((((((((((hugs all)))))))))))