[Kiya]

writing now to hopefully change the frame of mind i 'm in- to get it out and away from me.

Yoga had several steps today that culminated in a flashback.

Started with "thread the needle" and wrapping the non supporting arm up and around over the back to touch the opposite thigh. Doing so (a non seen hand touching the thigh from behind) unknowingly started a train of things. next pose i felt very exposed from behind and the ankles were crossed - always a clue of switching. then "legs up the wall" i am thinking because of how the pose creates a numbing effect allowed the body to feel like it was in free fall and the flashback was of a real place, but not of what happened. More, it was what i wanted to have happened.

I was on a trip with my folks in New Mexico (i think) and we suddenly stopped. I had stopped listening to my parents ramble on and on some time ago and now was clueless as to why we were stopping. We all got out of the van and there the earth fell away. This was not the Grand Canyon, but something rather similiar where there is just a huge, deep, crevass in the middle of the earth. THere was land ---------| |------------- and there was the other side. The road kept going, right over the edge to the other side, but it was level with the ground so it created this odd effect of this on going vista - and the end of the world. The bottom could not be seen - nor could the far edges of either side.

I wanted to jump! So badly! Just jump into that open space. I was 8. It took all my willpower not to leap out into that nothingness. I wanted everything to end - and if it ended by my hanging in nothingness forever, that would be fine. And if i fell all the way down, that would be scary, but fine and i was willing to give it a go.

So, there in yoga, on my back, legs up the wall - i was floating, i was in freefall, into that canyon - that never ending abyss. I was 8. I was crying. Then kiya's voice was saying "Owlet, i'm with you - i'm holding you tightly. I want you to live. I am holding you back. I am here with you this time - last time you didn't have me. Stay with me. I've got you."

I was crying more and dabbing at my eyes on my sleeve hoping no one in yoga would notice.

I'm at home now - my ankles are still crossed - still switched out, still needing to be in safe mode. Wanting to be in a small space, in a safe room where someone knows why i am scared. i need to eat - haven't eaten yet today - but i need to hide too.

us

[MINIME]

Scary. Im sorry. Your safe. Keep remembering that. Hold on tight. Your not alone.

[alyssa_angel]

(((kiya)))

[skeksi]

I'm so touched by the way you took care of yourself, Kiya. You showed yourself such kindness. Keep it up, take good care of yourself today.

[Kiya]

(((minime, alyssa, skeksi))) thanks
it is helping to say it - it makes it less substancial in my mind. makes safety more possible.
kiya

((((((((Kiya))))))))))))),
I wish so much that you could have the peace and confidence that you deserve. Know that you have my deepest empathy and that I am here if you need me. Take care of yourself! I think you are very courageous.

[sunrise]

((((owlet)))) ((((kiya))))

[Kiya]

(((((((((soliaree)))))))))))
(((((((((sunrise)))))))))))

thanks so much. it means a lot to know owlet and i are not alone. There's been a lot of "moods" in and out the rest of this day and night and we're each just as unsure of the other right now - in terms of who are we, what are all these memories and feelings coming up, who is safe and where??? How can we get out of this house.... will things ever be "normal'' ....

*breathing*

[RozG]

((((((((kiya)))))))) ((((((((((owllet))))))))))

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Kiya & Owlet)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am so glad Kiya was there for Owlet.

BB

[wanttoheal]

Wow Kiya, sounds like you were able to take care of your little self during all of this! Good job! I'm sure it was pretty draining and scary but I think you did an awesome job in self care.

[Kiya]

thanks Roz, BBear, Wanttoheal

[Kiya]

update after today's depression yoga class.
I pretty much fought the flight mechanism the entire class and was resistive to the work.

Today (unlike last week) I did get all my supplements in this time, had planned ahead, got up early, ate, did all the right things... felt resistive to going (younger selves) but still went of course. Was doing ok through the talk portion when an 8-legged ICK came crawling out on the wall i was leaning my head against and that was the ticket to dissociation.

I came leaping away from the wall with a cry strangling in my throat. Fortunately it came at a time where we were just transitioning from talk into movement so the entire class was moving at that time.
But gosh!!! That THING was right near my head!!! I just shiver thinking it might have been ON me.
One other gal tried to get it, but i think the instructor got it - I dunno -i left the room.
And of course the me that was there prior to that was not the same me after that. So i really couldn't get into a place of good self care or relaxation or anything. And the guy who was there on the other side of the room moved to right in front of me (understandably, to be in exposed poses for me it is hard enough w/o being next to guys - no offense!!).

The instructor checked in with me after class and i was only able to tell her that i was in fight or flight mode the whole class.
SHe said i was brave for staying and the me who was there told her i never leave class (which now that i think about it probably didn't jive with last week when i left to go to therapy but then when it was cancelled i had shuch a bad panic attack, i couldn't go back in... and i left today when someone caught the ICK - I'll have to call her and explain).

I am working through a very strong urge to self harm right now that has been with me ever since yoga - i think it will pass.
kiya et al

[wanttoheal]

Yuck on icky bugs! I'm sorry that happened Kiya. You are very brave though. I hope you were able to get through last night without self harming. It will pass is so true. Oftentimes I have to just cling to those words even when it doesn't feel like it's true at the time. But if we just hang on tight, it does pass.

Take good care Kiya and thanks for updating us. We care.

[Kiya]

thank you wanttoheal!!
i did get through the night - it really was close. but i did it!!kiya

((((((((w2h)))))))))