You seem to know so much .... i have dissosiative amnesia ....because i was abused under hypnosis and without hypnosis ...... i also have borderline personality and co consciousness .... yesterday was THE worst i've been .... i know what i am doing ... my son came downstairs in the middle of it all and i muttered i was taking dog out .... i sat for an hour in the pouring rain til i felt i could go home ... in that time i remember sitting and crying behind some trees wheere noone could see me ... i didn't want to go home and face my son in this state .... i'mbegining to wonder if anything i do is normal .... i have treasure, who is young and she is with me, inside, but i know when i write about her ..... sort of ... not completely out of it ... then there is a rebellious me .... i was reellious at 15 .... now i dont know who i am or my impulsive behaviour is another part of me .... i am extremely impulsive ..... then i have a side which worries me because i am totally unfeeling sometimes .... like nothing would bother me .... i am so confused .... Kerry xxx(i think)

I'm not the shoe-woman but I had a thought.

Has your T considered fragmented ego states? (I know you are PTSD-DDNOS like me)

The combination of PTSD-DDNOS is the most frequent diagnosis in survivors of childhood abuse. These survivors experience the flashbacks and intrusion of trauma memories, sometimes not until years after the childhood abuse, with dissociative experiences of distancing, "trancing out", feeling unreal, the ability to ignore pain, and feeling as if they were looking at the world through a fog. (Ross, 1989)

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According to Ego States Theory, we all start out life as a collection of unintegrated ego states, such as "Happy baby", "Hungry baby", "Scared baby", "Mad baby", and "Sleepy baby". We observe normal infants making abrupt switches between these ego states according to their current circumstances, and there seems to be little continuity of memory from one such ego state to the next.

We observe normal parents sponsoring integration of ego states in normal youngsters. The preschooler who falls and hurts himself while playing undergoes a switch from the "Happy child" ego state to the "Scared and painful" ego state, and seems to have no idea that his suffering is a temporary condition.

Mother provides reassurance along the following lines: "You're OK now, even though it hurts; you were happy a few moments ago, and you'll be happy again in another few minutes!"

We can later observe the same child in grade school getting hurt, starting to switch ego states, and then reassuring himself that he'll feel better soon, thereby maintaining his own ego integration. In adulthood, the fabric of ego integration is usually so tightly woven that it takes a catastrophe to cause dissociation of ego states.

Some children, however, don't have a "normal" childhood with the support of well-integrated parents. Suppose father is alcoholic: he may come home drunk and rape the little girl, and the next day he may not remember what he did. Mother may be physically or psychologically absent from what's going on with her daughter, so father is her only source of comfort. The child may be unable to get help for a variety of reasons, including her fear of father, fear of losing her father, and a sense that what's happening is inevitable. She faces an endless series of irreconcilable realities.

Her best defense may be to maintain two distinct ego systems, one of which deals as best she can with father the rapist, the other with everyday living. The defense of dissociation permits the child to avoid thinking about the abuse so she can have as normal a life as possible.

When this sort of childhood starts early and goes on a long time, the ego states may accumulate very different memories, emotions, and behaviors. They may even have different names for themselves: one name representing the angry, hurt, sexually aware part, and the other designating the innocent child in her public persona.

A child growing up in a very sick family system faces a large number of insoluble problems, and dissociation may become the preferred way to deal with virtually every conflict the child faces. Thus, a system of dissociated ego states may arise, one of which does well in school, another is very athletic, a third feels a great deal of rage, a fourth can function sexually, and the fifth goes to church and prays a lot - thus fully expressing all the family values in one person without having to resolve any of the conflicts that divide the family.

John M Rathbun M.D.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((Jinny))))))))) I'm only learning from T and my own experiences (and reading other posts here).

Orange has some excellent information here. Does this sound like what's going on for you? I have a friend who is diagnosed with PTSD that has similar feelings and it makes me wonder if this is what is going on in actuality.

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time with things. No matter what is going on, it's difficult to go day after day in such distress. Are you on any anxiety meds? If so, do they help at all?

I wish so much for peace for you jinny. Please take care and keep posting.

(((((((((((((((((Orange))))))))))))))yes a lot of this makes sense .... i have PTSD .... and dissossiative amnesia ......it wasn't my dad who abused me, it was my mothers lover .... but because my mum never wanted orlooked after me properly or protected me,even before the abuse started and my dad never ever showed his feelings, if fact he could be quite aggressive a lot of the time. He actually blamed me for mum having all those affairs, he took his frustration out on me, he just about cut me dead when he met his new wife and kids .... my mum contiually put me downin front of everyone... she let the abuse carry on ... she tried to blame my dad that because he didn't show me love i was making a fuss over nothing with my abuser ......

i do tend to go into x mode to cope .... if i'm scared about something i will go into aggressive mode 'over confident' maybe ..... ifi am triggered i tend to withdraw. I know it doesn't seem like it but i am quite a shy person deep inside ... i blush easily, i dont like being in a position where there are lots of people aroun me especially if i know them. Strangers are better because they dont know me.... does that make sense? If i'm sad i will cry and i cant stop even if i am in public, like i have no control ..... i am becomingmore aware of these 'roles' my t has noticed this too ... but i'm begining to wonder which one of them i really am ..... i've worn a mask for so so many years ... people think i am confident and bubbly irl .... but i am so not ..... i will get up and sing in front of loads of people, but i become 'omeone else' maybe like an actress in a role.....sorry this is so long ....

I thank you both ORANGE AND WANTTOHEAL so muchfor being right beside me throughout all this. I have my t and she understands ... but this week i've been really out of it and feeling so childlike .... i daren't talk to my hubby about this i just know he will never understand ...... andi feel kinda strange, all this has happened to me before, but i wasn't aware of it until now .... i have always gone into avoidant mode and gone to bed sucking my thumb for instance, but was so ashamed i wouldn't let anyone see. I have acted like a kid so many times and been slated by my family as none of us understood what was going on ..... i'm ranting, just trying to work it all out ... in my head .... ha .... i'll print this off and show it to my t on tuesday ..... sometimes when i go in there everything goes out of my head .....

thankyou so much, my two friends .... i'm so glad i'm not alone in this love, Jin xoxoxoxoxoxo

[bipolar_bear]

I am so glad that you are able to reach out here. Sometimes that can be so scary especially in relationships.

It is great that you are identifying how you react to different situations. Very insightful.

Know you are cared for here.

BB