[Kendyll]

The scary guy (J.T.) came back last night. Jonny and Jonathan told me they got rid of him before, but he came back again. They fought him back down again, but I guess it was really hard.

He hurt me before they came front. I haven't told anyone yet and I don't think I will. That's how I knew he was there, even before he opened his eyes. We had been holding hands and then he started squeezing my hand really hard. REALLY hard, so I could feel bone grinding on bone. Then he looked at me and I knew it was him and he wouldn't let go of my hand. I wasn't going to let him know it hurt, though. Still hurts today...

They need to take care of each other and I don't want them getting distracted and wasting their energy trying to protect me. Jon needs them, they need each other. I just want him all to be safe. I'm not mad. I know that wasn't the man I love, or at least none of the identities I know and love.

He's getting kicked out of his apartment. Or more specifically, his unemployment has run out, he hasn't found a full-time job yet and he's already behind on his rent and the court date for eviction is next week. He's been looking for work for the last four months - resumes, interviews, all that, every week, just about every day. There just isn't much of anything out there right now round here. So he's getting ready to pack his stuff so he can move out.

Last night he panicked. I think that's why the scary guy came back. Jonny told me that J.T. was a..."fear construct"? Not a regular identity, but some kind of fragment that splits off when he panics.

He's gonna be OK! He'll just come stay with me until he gets himself back on his feet. We already agreed on that. I KNOW this is hard and there's all sorts of things still going wrong. I believe in him and I support him in what he's doing, but we knew this might happen. Lots of wreckage after a decade or two of drinking your life away. I know that - I had a lot of repair to do when I quit, and it took a long time to fix the damage. Now he's going through the same thing...Recovery /sobriety can really suck sometimes, and that's where he is right now.

Is there anything else I could do to help? Am I helping? What if that J.T. guy comes back and I have to hurt him? I'm scared for him. What do you guys do to be OK when life keeps throwing crap at you?

[wanttoheal]

Just be very careful. No word on T yet?

[Kendyll]

He went last week to a new place for ANOTHER psych evaluation with a new doctor. He should be getting the results this week, and we'll see where it goes from there. Not sure how the money will play into this...

I hope this new doctor can help. Things have actually been OK with everybody, really. They're communicating better and not fighting as much, which makes the switches easier. When the switches are easier, everything else goes more smoothly because then they're sharing, instead of taking.

I've been talking with Jonny and Jonathan more, getting to know them, answering questions and explaining how things are different now. Poor Jonathan...He feels so useless now that there's nothing to protect against. I tell him he's still important, but he's been a little down lately. Jonny is just growing up so fast. He's missed out on a lot of things. He knows they all happened, but in some ways, he hasn't experienced any of it. And dear, sweet Jon, trying so hard to get well and to heal and to stand back on his feet. He's just wearing himself out sometimes.

[wanttoheal]

Yea, it's hard, no doubt about that. I'm glad he has you for support.

[Kendyll]

Jonathan and I talked some more yesterday. He told me I can't tell Jon about J.T. He says that he and Jonny will take care of it. But doesn't Jon deserve to know that there's someone dangerous up there? Someone who wants to hurt him, hurt me? Why do they need to keep it a secret?

I told Jonathan that I would defend myself if I needed to. I don't ever want to hurt them, but I will hurt the body if I have no other options. That makes me feel SO BAD... Jonathan says he understands and that he'll explain it to Jonny.

Then Jonathan told me that fighting this J.T. guy could kill either he or Jonny. That scared me - is he just afraid or can alters be killed by other alters? If that's the case, then I wish the guys would save their energy to protect Jon from J.T. and let me handle myself on my own. They tell me the guy's a psychopath...but they didn't know me before I started getting help.

It's only the civilized part of me that's afraid of him. I was crazy once, too, and I think I can get there again if I have to. If I try to stay sane, then I'm going to be afraid and I won't want to hurt Jon. THAT'S when I'D get hurt. If I can meet him equal on the field of madness...? Certainly, it's better odds.

And then the rest of the time, everything is as wonderful as always.
Thanks for listening...

[iamtwilight]

i know one girl and she had some alters and one of them (the bad one) had been killed. she says the bad one hasn't been out ever since.

sorry you're in a rough place. try to be careful.

[wanttoheal]

It's just my opinion, but I do not think that alters can be killed. It's one brain with many barriers, in my opinion. If any part of me dies, I would die. But I do think a part can integrate and become part of the whole. For me, I think that just means the barriers get dissolved. When the barriers are dissolved, it just means I will have their information to add to my own (or mine to add to theirs lol).

Hang in there Kendyll. I hope things calm down soon.