How can I help Him without making things worse?????

I am new here, but am desperate to get this out of my system. I have been married to a wonderful man for going on 6 years. He had a terrible child hood. His mom left when he was really young, and his father... oh the stories of his father make me want to strangle him today!!! Only now he's older (mid 70s) and appears weak and thinks he was a good father. He takes credit for how good my husband turned out, even though my husband experiences what I call night terrors (shaking and bad dreams) quite a bit and has very few good memories of his child hood. This story is very long, so I'll give you the jist of it, my husband just came home from a long deployment (he is military). He was home 2 days before he broke down and cried (something he's never done) and told me he didn't know if he loved me because he didn't know if he understood what love felt like. He said he is numb and can't feel anything. He said he doesn't remember even as close back as 1 year ago how he would tell me I'm everything to him and he couldn't live without me and how lucky and happy he was to have the family we have. (Last year he adopted my 3 sons from a previous marriage, he was also married before) I think he is depressed, because of my own history of depression. His face doesn't even look the same. He doesn't eat, hardly sleeps and now is really sick with flu like symptoms. His father came to visit (and is still here) for Christmas. Could this have triggered something in my husband? I know he loves me, and I'll not give up on him. How can I get him to understand it's not his inability to love? And these feelings he's having are not his "fault" he equates everthing with "who's at fault here?". Please help, I love this man dearly and I don't want him to hurt.

AWWWWWW... Its wonderful that he has you to support him. I'm sure he does love you, but he has so much pain inside. Sometimes I am like that. The pain of your past can make you build up walls. I can't tell you what is right to do, but if it was my husband. I'd try to listen. I'd gently try to get him to talk about all the stressful things he's been dealing with (deployment, abusive past, father dying, depression, new family), and once he acknowledged it, I would show him that any person would need support in dealing with all that. I'd use his awareness of his issues to encourage him to find a therapist (I'd suggest you do the research to find a few in advance in case he is not able to do the work himself to find one. ) I'd also let him know that you love him and your not going to leave him or change you feeling for him even though he is struggling. Pray for him, love him, support him

Also... couples therapy might be good to. Make sure you get support yourself.

esthersvirtue

Thank you so much for saying that. In fact, I have the numbers of several places for him to go and talk to someone when he's ready. He says he wants to, but after the holidays. I think I must have mistyped, his father is alive and well, as is his mother. His mother and father divorced when he was 4 years old and he and his sister were raised by their father. He's only had contact with his mom about 6 or 7 times since he was 4, he is now 35. Last year, his sister decided she wanted her mom in her life, so she is starting a relationship with her mom. My husband and his sister have spoken 1 time in over 2 years (that was when she called to say a family member passed away). Their family does not communicate at all!!! My family is the polar opposite, we talk so much, it's probably overboard (2 to 3 times a day and we are on different coasts). My husband learned of his sister's new relationship with their mom through his dad, who made an *** of himself, in my opinion stating over and over again, "how could she do this to you (my husband), she didn't eve call you, how could she just forgive 30 years of abandonment?" It just feels like he's trying to keep my husband under his thumb. I feel like my father-in-law is very distructive to my husband's mental health. Year's ago, my husband asked his dad why he treated him so mean when he was growing up, his response was "well, you weren't that great of a kid". My husband has not said a word about this subject to his dad since then. One of the most vivid memories my husband has repeatedly shared with me was of high school time. His sister had a boyfriend, whom his dad adored. While my husband and his sister were required to buy their own groceries and school clothes, their dad bought clothes for this boy and new tires for his car and a new stereo, etc. My husbands friends even knew about this and other kids gave my husband a hard time about it. I talked with my sister-in-law (unknown to my husband), she says she remembers this and it was weird. She said she broke up with that boy because her dad took him to see another girl. After she broke up with him, her dad said he could always come to the house even if she wasn't dating him. After high school and college, she got married and the day after she was married she returned to her dad's house to get some things and that boy was there with her dad. My sister-in-law thinks her dad had some type of affair with this boy, and I feel the same way. Only, now my father-in-law is a Lutheran Minister (whatever) and would never own up to being gay or an abusive father. My husband feels like this kid was a better more likeable kid than he was and there must have been something wrong with him to make his dad love this other kid instead of him. See what I mean? LOOOOOOOng story.

odessy,

what a wonderful wife and friend you are! you seem to be such a wonderful person.

have you thought of the possiblity that your husband may have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from childhood? this is not just for vets, etc. me and my siblings all have PTSD from our 23 yr. marine corps father. long story as well.

what your husband does, sounds alot like what we have and still do go through. your husband needs to work through all of the ugliness when he feels he can. one reason it might be coming up to bite him right now is, sometimes when the mind feels the most secure in the present life, it feels it's safe enough for the old crap to come out. it's very very difficult to deal with. when so much goes on in a person's life, they don't have time to react or deal, because they're dealing with the next event. might this be the same for your husband? and now all the things he couldn't emotionally deal with then cause so much was going on, feels safe enough to come out now.

i would strongly suggest a counselor who deals with childhood abuse and PTSD.

i pray so for your precious family. memories of abuse (and lack of understanding it) is hell on earth. i understand...you're a wonderful person to want to be so supporting.

please let us know?

be safe,

kd

kd,

I have honestly never thought of that! Thank you so much. The relationship my husband and I have is the longest relationship he has ever been in, and my family has welcomed him wholeheartedly since day one. The joke is that my dad would trade me for him any day because he likes him better than me. I have never heard that the mind can wait until it feels more secure to let go of some of the painful stuff that was too much to deal with before. I, myself and going to actively see a T as well. My husband said he wanted to go alone for now. There are a lot of things he hasn't told me, he said, because it is hard and embarrassing. There is no telling what has gone on in his life. His dad always worked the late shift, and he can remember laying awake at night until 1 or 2 AM until his dad came home and he said you never knew if he would not be able to find the remote or if there were dishes in the sink, his dad would fly into a rage and come snatch he and his sister out of the bed and slam them against the wall and yell at them for being "little ungrateful f****** brats". This coupled with his dad drinking and other abuses from the age of 6 (that he remembers). My husband first experimented with drugs at 9 years old, by 12 he drank regularly and hung out with high school kids who drove him all over. And yet he turned out so shiny and wonderful, but he doesn't think so.

It breaks my heart and makes it hard not to confront his dad myself I want to take up for him so bad.

K

<font color="blue">Ok, let me first confess, I'm too depressed to read your long posts right now. It would be easier if you could make new paragraphs every few sentences... but that's not what I came to say.

Dealing with aging parents is another whole ball of wax. It won't do any good to tell them how poorly you (or me, or anyone) feel they did as a parent. They felt they did the best they could, and who really knows their capacity, certainly not the children! So you have to let those comments ride. You don't have to encourage them or confirm them, though.

IMPO it might be best for your spouse to seek help now, while his father is still alive. This way a T can help him deal with the ongoing feelings. Also, if he waits till he passes, then goes, well, he might miss an opportunity to ask a few pertinent questions--and more importantly, understand what or how the parent was thinking at the time of some issues. Insight can heal a multitude of hurt.

You can still praise each other in front of a parent! Let the other roll ... but support each other. Sometimes when ppl see the comraderie, they quit being offensive.

Welcome, It sounds like your spouse has some pretty deep seated, long standing emotional stuff that has been more triggered by being deployed, and now being re-exposed. It is important for you to get yourself support during all of this and as much as you are able, act out of love and concern. You could benefit from therapy as well. I am sorry he is going through all of this. He is lucky to have you. By the way that dad of his sounds like a few I have known. I wish you luck and post whenever and however you need.