I was totally "not there" in T today. I wrote all about it on the psychotherapy board, so I won't rehash the whole thing here. It was like I was there, but not there. I was half there, for most of it. And the "me" that was kind of there, is the "me" that I hate and it was awful and I couldn't get away from myself. The walls were getting closer and closer and I couldn't breathe and T looked weird. I remember asking him if I looked different and he said "no, you still look like earthmama" and hearing my name made me feel so disoriented and scared.

We finally played a little at the end of session, and it made me feel more present and young and safe.

But I still feel weird and embarrassed and confused. I don't even know what happened, why I was triggered so badly.

I think I just need a hug, and for someone to say they understand.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I do understand and I am sorry that you experienced that. Sometimes it takes a long time to learn to love all parts of us. All of us heal at our own rates and when we are ready.

BB

[complic8d]

I understand, know just how you are feeling. I feel so weird at t, but can't explain it. We're going to work on grounding.
Glad the session got better and ended on a positive note!

[JudeeB]

A huge majority of my sessions were for my inside folks. It was vital they came to know and trust my t. They were so traumatized they needed to be heard.

For me it was their healing that led me to a place where I could deal with my stuff. I got over the weirdness of it all because I knew it had a purpose. I resented my others for a while but when I could fully accept them and appreciate them, yes even the mean destructive ones, my healing unfolded so much more quickly.

My t got so she tell who was on the surface by body language, voice and attitude. She spent a whole lot of time talking to them even when I was the one out. She knew they were listening.

So yes I do understand how weird it feels to go to t and then not be there when I had so much to say but there was a good purpose.

If they get better, we get better.

So hang on earthmama. Feelings are not facts. Feeling weird doesn't mean you're weird at all. It's all part of the process.

Perhaps you weren't triggered at all, perhaps they just want to talk to your T. That means they are coming to trust the T perhaps? Wouldn't that be good and helpful?

It's a journey and yes some days a very strange journey but you'll get through it.
((((earthmama))))))

Judee and Company