Can I post this here? This is a safe section to me. Feel safe here and that I can talk and people won't jump all over me and get angry or laugh or judge or something.

Things haven't been good lately At all. Stuck between wanting to go hide from everyone again but not wanting to be lonely. These new forums still scare me.

Psych thinks Kate has a dissociative disorder. She's been having a terrible time lately, to say the least I feel stupid for always knowing that there was something going on but never really knowing what. I worry so much about her. Her issues will always be more important to me than mine.

I thought it would be nice for the two of us to go out for a bit the day she was out of hospital because she was very edgy and scared from seeing a psych and everything. They throw around diagnosis she denies and says are not true. Out of the entire population of this city we run into her father, her sick twisted sorry excuse for a father who should be very very very dead. I feel so bad for her. He hurt me before, he used to, but that's doesn't matter. My fault. What he did to her, he should be dead. And he has the nerve to apologize because he thinks she remembers nothing. Awful for both of us. Out of all the bloody people to run into, we run into HIM.

I doing awfully but I don't really matter. So hard to tell reality from my twisted mind, I can't believe anything I hear or see, because the voices in my head seem so real. The things I see seem so real. Terrible scary things I can't talk about or express :boy(sad): The psych I saw says things and continues to push what he says is a part of my diagnosis and keeps wanting me to medicate but I don't trust him. I don't know who to trust. Do I have friends or do I have people who just tolerate me out of some decency.

Haven't been me. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of us. I'm scared of things I can't talk about in public. I'm still threatened by one alt. Apparently when a little was out I tried to jump out the window because I was convinced I could fly. I don't have people to talk to. None of us do. I refuse to bother Kate through all of this because I don't want to trigger her and she's vulnerable right now and I'm not going to be the person who makes her feel worse.

So I type this because maybe it'll be read but even if it's not then at least I typed something out and did something productive in what has been a messy whirlwind of days.

We're all scared. We're all feeling so terrified, alone, exposed, feeling like we bother everyone and that we drag everyone down. Feeling responsible for so much. I don't like this. None of us do. We're lost and scared and in the dark again. Memories keep coming up. Sorry that I'm back.

:Help:

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by Griffe

Feel safe here and that I can talk and people won't jump all over me and get angry or laugh or judge or something.

Her issues will always be more important to me than mine.

Sorry that I'm back.

OH Griffe..let me start from the bottom up..Please?..OK?

Please never appolgise for being here. I'm asking that of you because you are a very important person to this community and you might give a newbie the wrong idea about sharing and being present. You are important here. Period. Your struggles, your losses and your gains are what this community stands for,,what is it's charter and what makes it continue to grow and thrive...Healing through pain,,,not around it.

So please,,I'm asking that no matter how bad you may feel,,there is no reason to ever appolgise for being here and sharing your feelings...

Though Kates issues are very important to you and I deeply admire your affection towards her and her struggles,,,please remember the analogy of the stewards(ess) instructions when boarding a flight.

"If, in the unlikely event that the airplane decompresses and the oxygen masks fall from the ceiling..please attach a mask to your face first and then attend to those who may need help."

If you don't take care of you Griffe,,you will be useless to Kate.

I don't need to advise anything else.

And lastly,,it is unlikely that you will be jumped on or judged unfairly here Griffe..but if you ever feel that occur,,simply let one of the staff know and they will diplomatically deal with whatever injustice you might be feeling.

You are a member in excellent standing here and are important to many of us who frequent these halls..we would simply never hurt you.

With care,

Lenny

[thelostone]

you are important. you matter very much. and lenny is right, if you don't pay a little attention to you getting better then you won't be able to help kate.

you need to try to trust your psych. if you really don't feel you can trust him then you need to find one who you can trust. do you trust kate's? maybe you could ask him if yours is trustworthy.

i am so sorry your day out turned out so badly. can you avoid places where he might be likely to show up? wish there was more i could say to you to help you.

safe hugs
lost

[wanttoheal]

Wow Griffe, sounds like you are really having some tough times. I'm so sorry Kate is struggling too. It's good though that she was able to go see the psych doctor though. She didn't just get the dissociative disorder, and finding out what's going on is scary for sure, but it also opens the door to healing and awareness so things can get better.

I'm glad you feel safe enough to post here and I hope you will get lots of positive responses.

How is your search for a T for you going? I'm really glad Kate is getting the help she so deserves, but you need it as well. No one's problems are bigger or smaller than anyone else's or more or less important for that matter. Your issues are just as important. So is getting help for yours.

We went through some stuff with son for a few years and it was tough. I thought I was going to lose my mind (except that I already had lol), my family, everything. Some days it felt like my issues were going to make me go over a cliff and here I was trying to save son at the same time and keep daughter safe and somewhat sane. I so understand feeling like you need to put your stuff on a back burner, but what I learned with son is that I had to keep going on my own stuff as issues came up, because I couldn't help son as well when I ignored my own stuff.

It's a balance and it can be hard. No doubt about that, but in order to have the peace you need and the strength to help kate, I think it's necessary. At least it was for me when I was trying to help and support son.

I'm glad you're back Griffe. Please lean on us for support as you can. We're here.

((( lenny, thelostone, wanttoheal )))

Sorry Lenny. I just get into a place sometimes (well, almost always) where I fear I'll be hurt for what I say, I didn't mean to shine any doubt on anyone here. You're all great people. I'm just no used to being allowed to share personal feelings or being allowed to say that I'm scared, and when I do, I fear I'm just bothering those around me.

I guess I'll never see myself as worth the effort, and I love Kate, so I just want to see her okay before I am. I always feel responsible for her well-being, and when she's not well, I blame myself. I hate to see her down, it kills me, although I know she says she hates seeing me like this too I just feel helpless when I can't make her all better.

I don't trust psychs when they're working with me. I never can. None of us can. We're scared of them and we hear things internally that make us fear.

We didn't expect see him ever again, he doesn't live in the immediate area Scares both of us to see him, memories for both of us. I don't like having to live in fear of him again.

Kate says her psych is clueless (putting it politely) but when I think about it I can really see all kinds of signs I just dismissed as minor things and it seems obvious that she's had this for a long time to me. They're not sure what exactly but I know no matter what they say Kate will completely freak. She still denies she has PTSD even when that is completely obvious. I just want her to be okay. I keep telling her it's just putting a word to something she has always had but she hates it.

I'm still flip-flopping on a T. Don't want one because of fear issues, guess I'm kinda borderline paranoid with Ts. They're too scary.

We all want to hide. I think that's safe to say. Wanting to hide but not wanting to be alone- wanting to ask for help but not being comfortable asking. Wanting someone to talk with but afraid to say the first word.

Doctor's appointment Monday for an eye problem I have been putting off Scared for that. I just feel awful and beaten and scared and alone. I did start a journal irl though that I try to use for all of us to write day-to-day emotions and feelings down but it seems counter-productive because I have no one to show.

Sorry to write so much. Just feeling so down and scared and triggered so often. Scary things happen that I can't talk about and none of us can talk about.

:Sigh:

[multipixie9]

Griffe,

I care too, like the others here. I wish you would take care of yourself just because you are a person too. Kate matters, Griffe matters.

I understand the fear; it is hard to get past the fear. I wish I had some wonderful words to say that would make you feel better, but I just have ordinary words.

I used to think life could never be good again, but it did get better. Things are better for me and I think they can get better for you and Kate also.

Continue to write on here and don't worry if it is long. When you put things on paper then you can see what you think/feel/fear. That sometimes helps a lot.

I hope you will feel better soon and find a way to get the help you need.

Leslieann

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( griffe ))))))))))))))
:Heart: :Heart: :Heart: