feeling helpless... (pointless rambling)

in my opinion, i no longer "switch". or maybe i do. i just "drift" or "am" or somehow... i don't know.. i can't keep up with me.

the other day i was searching for an apartment with my boyfriend and i remembered that sometime before august 26th he told me we were going to get money from sweden (he played a gig there and the organizer promised to pay for our trips). i had checked my bank account and had not seen the transaction. so of course i was passively mad at him for a few days, until today..

i asked him what happened to the money. (after taking a tranquilizer - i was so afraid he was going to say "you didn't get the money because they didn't like you" or something) and he said that he had transferred the money to my account in july!

man, am i confused. i feel so lost, so helpless, unable to be "normal". thank god i'm on sick leave.. i couldn't cope with school now. i haven't been able to do that in ages.. what have i become?

i used to get straight A's in school without even revising for exams. now i can't even handle school.

and the mental health folks who i see every now and then want me to go out to do things with people. i hate people! they are pathetic and they don't understand. i just want to be alone so i won't make any more mess. i don't want to be confused any more.

i just want to.... be...

i thought it was all over. i thought what i had was not really DID - just some crazy thing that can't be explained. that it was just psychosis. maybe it is. i don't know. but i posted this here anyway because i felt this place was more appropriate and because i _still_ associate this incident with DID.

oh i don't know what i'm saying anymore.. i know there's nothing you guys can do about it. and i don't expect you to do anything. i just wanted to get this off my chest s'all. thanks for reading.

katie & the rest

oh and btw - i checked my bank account after talking to my bf and the money was there.

i should be relieved but...

(((((Katie)))))

((((((((((((((((((((((((( Katie ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Katie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

BB

(((((((pachyderm, earthmama, BB)))))))

thanks guys. it means so much to me to be able to come here and go crazy and be honest about my life. i've never had that chance before i found PC - it is peculiar, but a nice change.

Hi Katie,

I had a day like this Tuesday and I went ballistic and went into a complete rage because I couldn't figure out how to get a picture for my avatar...not an earth-shattering event. I felt so incompetent, just so helpless and lame.

Eventually I calmed down and finally made the connection to some past abuse where a teacher kept setting me up to fail by giving me tasks beyond my ability with threats of punishment for failure. Anyway, I don't need to go on about it, but I know how it must drive you bonkers when things are weird and you feel that sinking feeling.

I care Katie!

Leslie and Her Pixies

((((((((((((((katie))))))))))))))
I understand. It's hard sometimes for me to find out I missed things or things happen that I don't remember. My biggest disappointments are when I miss my children's events or activities. Though the body and some part of the brain goes, sometimes I feel robbed of the time spent with them.

I struggle sometimes with "losing" money as well. If I have cash or checks on me, money gets spent, especially cash. Usually my cards are okay for the most part though thankfully.

While I don't have much memory of going to college (I went as a later adult), I was an A student as well. People say I should be proud, but it's hard to be when I don't remember anything and am not sure how I did it. If I went back today, just this part, I would really struggle.

I hope things will settle down for you soon. Be gentle with yourself. It sounds as if you are doing the very best you can do.

((((leslie, pixies, wanttoheal))))

thank you for sharing your experiences! it is good to hear i'm not the only one, though i know you guys understand. this is the only place where i feel safe enough to post about these things without the fear of being laughed at. =)