I got lost yesterday

It was a flashback, but not a contiguous memory. More like a nightmare interpretation of a memory. All the sounds, all the smells, all the feelings. A composite, an interpretation. But it was just as real, more real than reality. I got lost there and it took me a while to find my way back.

Jon and I were talking about something and we hit a point of disagreement. Something I feel very strongly (irrationally!) about because of some of my past. We weren't arguing - just discussing. But he didn't understand...then the rage came over me like a tidal wave.

It felt like I couldn't breathe. Like my lungs, my veins, my mind were full of hot, black poison. It was like I was right back there again, angry and afraid for my life. Like those feelings were right up front, and the real world was far away down the hallway.

He got really upset. He said it wasn't even like talking to me anymore. Like I was someone else. Of course I was - I was me from 19 years ago. It was that real...I had to work really hard to get back, and by that point he had already walked away from me, going upstairs. It was really hard to get all the way back. I'm still worn out from having to battle all that rage and pain to get back to my real life.

I'm scared and tired. He tells me he wasn't mad at me, but I KNOW he was upset. I thought i was past that sort of thing. It's been a LONG time since I went away like that, got swept away like that. I don't ever want to hurt him. But I wasn't able to stop it, wasn't able to control it. I didn't DO anything to him, but what if I get caught off guard again?

I just want it to stop forever...I don't want to go back there again.

Im sorry.

I'm sorry you had such a difficult thing happen to you. I know you wish it would never happen again. Kendyll, it means that there is just issues that still need help. If it were Jon you would be patient with him, you really need to be patient with yourself the same way. The harder you try to fight such stuff off the more likely it will happen again. How about just forgive yourself, if you feel you need to, and move on past this. Hugs,

Leslie and Her Pixies

(((((((((((Kendyll))))))))))))
PTSD strikes when we least expect it and our guards are down. It's understandable. It seems that you feel safe with Jon and maybe your defenses were down because of that. It might be that because your defenses were down, it hit hard when you weren't expecting it. I agree that there might be some more stuff to work through and process. Sometimes things trigger when we are least expecting it. Be gentle to yourself if you can. I'm sorry you got triggered.

you must take gentle care of yourself, as well as the gentle care you take of jon. imho you are SO focused on taking care of jon you are neglecting yourself.


lost