[Saphael]

Hello everyone....I'm fairly new to the site, I suppose. I've had an account for approximately 2 weeks, but I have not posted much...

I do not really know what to do right now...I'm very stuck. The little part of what remains of my consciousness wants to disappear, but I'm trying to hold on the best I can. Another part of me just wants to go back into reality, but I know that if I did...I'm not sure if I can survive. My mother is an example. She feels everything so strongly, and she suffers so much...but she is strong, though brittle. Me, though...I am sure I will be destroyed by the flood of emotions that I have sealed away. And the part of me that has been sealed will probably be released. He is reckless and filled with anger, and somewhat a child. He is restless now...and yearns to destroy something, anything. I'm afraid of what will happen if I let him out. If I abandon myself though, what is me will die forever. But if I do, everyone else will be happy. I will be able to do what others want me to do, but I will lack a conscience...That I know. I would be cold and both selfish and selfless, but I would be able to melt into society well, I suppose...I cannot tell my parents this. If I try, they laugh and get angry, saying that I have nothing at all to be sad about or so forth...That was what they did when they discovered that I was cutting myself. My mother cried, but afterwards, whenever she got angry at me or she and my father were lecturing how I have never experienced any pain, she would always laugh mockingly and say "She is feeling pain! Just being lectured right now is painful to her!" or something of that sort. Of course, I've never told them the real reason why I cut, but if I did I am sure she would be even more mocking.

Now, my mother is telling me to do "everything you can to focus," but I can't...She has all but prohibited me from cutting myself, and that was how I focused...If I do that now...I don't know...But if I do not focus soon...They have already decided my future for me and had knocked down everyone of my aspirations. Now is a crucial time...I am already a sophomore... What should I do?

[wanttoheal]

Hi Saphael, welcome to Psych Central
I'm sorry you are having a rough time right now and that your parents are not supportive. There is lots of support here and I'm glad you found us.

Do you feel safe enough that you could go to the school counselor and talk to her/him or talk to a teacher that might be safe? It's hard to figure these things out alone sometimes when you haven't grown up learning it and especially at a young age.

As far as finding an alternative to cutting in order to focus, there are some grounding techniques in the PTSD forum in the sticky note area, I think, that might help with that.

It's nice to meet you and we look forward to getting to know you.

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome to PC. I am so sorry your parents are unsupportive of you. I know how hard it can be to resist to SI. There are some suggestions of things to do when you feel the urge to harm yourself in the self injury forum. You may want to read them and see if anything works for you. Is there anyone in your life that can help you work through all that you are feeling? Sometimes it is so hard to do on your own.

I am glad that you found us.

BB

[Saphael]

Thanks everyone. =)

There's no one I can really talk to...If I tell my school counselor...I don't want my parents to know, and it's probably likely that if I tell my counselor she'll tell my parents. I have a hard time talking to people about myself, and when I do I tend to unconsciously alter what I say according to what I feel that the other person would want to hear... I did that with my counselor and my mother too, but even if I don't want to do it, somehow I can't control it. It just kind of happens...The thing is, I know my parents care for me, but I just can't believe it is love...I suppose I'm a cynic, but I don't think anyone in my family has ever grown up with love. They don't seem real to me either...so it's hard to get close to them to talk and trust them. It's the same with other people too...although I'm more comfortable talking through writing. =)

I'm trying to gather up the courage to tell my school counselor though...but it's hard...

[multipixie9]

I believe you, Saphael, that it can be very hard to get close to people and trust them to really listen and then be kind. Not everyone is cold or rejecting. You do need to find someone to trust because abandoning yourself is not a good idea. You will need yourself later on. When a person is young its so hard to think anything can be different or change for the better, but change does happen all the time and you won't have to feel like your parents run your life forever. It's hard to talk to the school counselor,but give it a try, you need some help.

Susanna Mariah

[Saphael]

It's getting harder though...The thing is, I get the feeling that everyone WANTS me to abandon myself...It's harder to tell who's me now. It feels more and more as if I'm just watching from a distance and the person who's actually doing things is either doing it through rote or someone else entirely. I'm not really sure what I should do...

[multipixie9]

What you write sounds pretty scary, Saphael. I can't think that people would really want you to abandon yourself, but something is obviously going wrong. It is not suppposed to be like watching yourself from a distance or being someone else. That does sound kinda dissociative, but I can't honestly tell for sure. But, you need someone you can talk to, someone real, not just on a forum - not that we are not good folks, but we are distant and can't do much to really help. We mostly encourage each other is all. At least here you can say whatever you want or need to say.

Hang in there, ok?

Leslie

[Saphael]

Thanks, multipixie9. =)

When I say abandon myself, I mean leave behind a portion of myself in a way...Part of my personality. I'm afraid to, but it's starting to seem more and more necessary. Everyone is telling me who I should be and who I shouldn't be...(which is myself). I'm afraid of reconnecting with myself too though...Since I suppose my current state helps me get through all the times when stress causes my parents to flare up and so forth. They're getting more and more angry at me...for who I am. If I was a good daughter I would probably have already done what they wanted and disappear, but...I don't know...lol I'll try to tell my school councilor, but it'll be a challenge....And I don't want my parents to know....

[multipixie9]

Saphael,

Thanks for explaining, but I hope you will not abandon who you are. What would be in the place of your self? Who you are is unique, one of a kind. I hope you do talk to the school counselor. Maybe that person can help in some way. Good daughters don't disappear, good daughters try to be the best of who they REALLY are. That may not make sense to you, but no imitation can ever replace what is genuine in a person. I'm sorry things are so difficult right now. Sounds like your parents have some problems also. Hang in there, ok?

Leslie