When Will It End?????

When will the affect of childhood abuse end??? I'm DID. I just admitted my younger brother (the one who's child i'm raising) into the hospital because he can't fight the major depression anymore and doesn't want to live. IT'S NOT FAIR!

I hate these people who messed him up so bad that he'll never be completely whole and functioning. He's a hurt little boy at 36. He doesn't see the full impact of the PTSD the runs his life and decisions. He's not DID, but he gets stuck in time. He's a scared little boy in a man's body and reacts with anger. Alot of ppl look at him and say, "he's a strong, capable man. he's lazy." OMG! He can barely function day to day, let alone be at a job 5 days a week. It takes all of his capability most days to simply make it through the day! I do get angry at some of the decisions he makes, but in the end I know that he's ill...very ill.

He called me "the rescuer of the family" and asked me to take the hospital. That's the code for the fact that he's a danger to self. I'm so proud of him for keeping his promise to me!!!! That took so much. With his first attempt 11 years ago, he signed a pact with me that when he couldn't get away from it, he would call me or SOMEONE. He's honored that several times now. He knows that I love him when he can't love himself enough. I don't remember the entire trip the the hospital. No biggie, right? However, when we got there I was sitting far back away and couldn't hear most of what he was saying. This is when DID makes me mad. This was important. This was my stuff to take in, yet a part of me sat there and I was pushed way back. That's not fair! He called for ME. He needed ME. Someone inside took that from me. This is when DID is not acceptable to me.

Yes, I was stressed more than I can express here. I was worried more than I've been in years. However, it was NOT something that I couldn't handle. I guess I should be excited that I was even allowed to "watch" and can remember lots...well, i'm not. His words were important to ME.

I'm going to try to journal tonite and see if insiders will put down what he was saying. I'm sure they won't give me all six hours of it. I don't ever want that to happen again.

Has anyone else had that happen? If so, please share to help me know that I'm not such a outsider right now. I look at my beautiful little brother and get so angry when I see what abuse has done to him. Can't these abusers see this? Do they think that they can do what they want and everything will be fine. No, because they don't care. I wish these children would have that insight...they don't care...and maybe they wouldn't be affected so heavily? There is no justification for hurting a child...ever. The lasting affect is too much for the person to bear for just one instance...let alone 10 incidences a day. These people should be put on an island and left to each other's hands. Their hands should never, ever be near a child or the weak ever again.

I needed to say this. I realize this may be removed. I still needed to say this.

kd

{{{{{{{{{kd}}}}}}}}}}
no matter how you look at it hun you were there for him, does he know your DID, if so he understands you were there

((((((((((kd))))))))))

You did what a big sister should. You took care of him. I hope the journaling helps because I know it is important to you to have some idea what he said. Honestly, I think you did the most important thing you could have done for him. Listen. Even if you don't remember.

You're allowed to be angry about what happened to you and to him.

Keep us informed. You're in my thoughts.

You're a very good sister...I'm glad you're there for your brother, and journaling is a very good idea. I hope you and your brother are feeling better.
((((((kd))))))

(((((KD)))))) I know we already talked about this, but I just wanted to let you know, my heart still goes out to you so much!!!

*big safe hugs*
Angela

Kimmy... would talking to t about this next week help any? would it make your insiders more aware that it hurt you that you werent there when you needed to be, and so encourage them to give you the control when you can handle it? i guess the insider who took control was only trying to protect you. Although i realize this is different for me since i have no experience of DID, I think that i would prefer an insider to help me out if i was in what could be an upsetting situation, than have nobody come if i was no longer coping... I dont know to what extent DID controls your life, or how much progress you have made through t in working through it (feel free to inform me lol) but personally i think it is pretty good that you were aware of what was happening for so long. I mean... you have been stressed out with little man and your depression, and that must have raised your general stress levels, so doesnt that mean that, once you heard of your brother's distress, you could have dissociated the whole time, rather than on his entry into hospital? And at least some part of you heard what he was saying, lol. Maybe it is also possible that you were overestimating your capabilitieson dealing with more stress? Sorry about writing a lot about something I know very little about; lol.

I also like the idea of you journalling, I hope it gives you the answers you want. i think you have written before that you have learnt quite a bit about your insiders from what they have written, so maybe one of them will disclose what happened when they judge you're ready to hear it and deal with it. or maybe they will trust t enough to tell it to him? you said in your post that you were very angry, i suppose this is with missing hearing what your brother said, but also from anger at your insider hiding this from you. i dont know if insiders know if you are feeling angry at them or not, but maybe if they felt you blamed them for it, they would be 'scared away' and maybe not have the confidence to reappear again? so then you wouldnt be able to tell them about how you are feeling about this. i believe you said once that you are not yet at the point where you have 'inter-system communications' lol, but if you explained how you are feeeling in your journal and why, and your insiders saw it, maybe they would be encouraged to discuss with you next time you feel threatened. though i think insiders are generally children, right?so they might not understand why you feel that way even if you explained. sorry, i dont know how it all works, sorry if what i am saying is impossible, or something that takes 10 years of therapy! and sorry this is so long too, lol!

Kimmy, I am glad you were there for a brother who knew to call on you when he needed help. You are doing well. You are doing the best you can. Loves

End? This is life. sigh.

thank you and ((((((((((((( hugs ))))))))))))))

no, he doesn't know official dx. however, like everyone else, he knows we change. he didn't act like he thought anything was any different (i can/could see him clearly). of course, he wasn't doing well at all and i'm sure wouldn't have noticed if i appeared "off". that brings me a small comfort in thinking that i was unresponsive and uncaring or something.

thank you again,

kd

thank you ((((((( 1day ))))))). i needed to hear angry is ok right now.

love,

kd

((((((((((((((((((( cat_eye ))))))))))))))))))

thank you very much,

kd

thank you (((((((((((((((( angela ))))))))))))))))

as always, that means so much!

love,

kd

((((((((((((((((((( silver )))))))))))))))))))))))) wow, have you been taking a crash course in DID and not telling me??? you have several really good points and a very good understanding.

i'm going to answer this one more specifically tomorrow. nice job and thank you so much for trying to understand your friend. that means the world to me.

love,

kd

((((((((((((((((((((( ww ))))))))))))))))))))))

thank you. yes, i'm doing the best i can. i have alot of guilt over my little brother. as i got older, i began caring for him more and more so...on top of the guilt i feel for things i won't talk about here, i feel something similar to a mother's guilt if that makes sense.

thank you again. my best is all i can offer anyone...

kd

sky,

i WILL in my lifetime see more satisfaction to the ending of the affects of abuse. for me that is not the way i want to live my life (in the shadow of abuse). yes, it will end, even if only in a small but triuphant way. it already has ended to some degree...the cycle has been broken with me and mine. i will strive to see more endings and, i will succeed.

thanks for turning my grief back into stubborn strength.

kd

kewl dudette you are.

(((((((((((((((Kimmy)))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((((( fuzzy ))))))))))))))))))))))))

thank you,

kd

Kimmy, you are a courageous cookie and I wish we lived close by because I think we would be good friends.

ww, what a compliment...i KNOW we would be good friends.

be safe,

kd

I hope you'll feel better 'bout yourself. You are doing a wonderful job in handling not only your life but others' as well. Be proud of yourself for that. I am!
Love,
RhysMadison

for everyone who has supported me (((((((((((((( thank you ))))))))))))))))

i wanted to give an update on my brother. he was admitted to the hosp on saturday and he's being released tomorrow on thursday...5 days. i really didn't expect them to keep him for longer than the "72 hour hold", but they did. this is his third hospitalization and they wanted him rested and stable. he seems to be both...as stable as he gets, that is.

my brother has PTSD, dysthymia, major depressive episodes and quite possibly bipolar (they can't fully dx that until he's been drug free for a longer amount of time since highs/lows can be drug induced and lack thereof). he is emotionally the age of a 16-17 yr old because of the fact that he's self medicated (and flat out partied at times) since the age of 13...he was also dx'ed narcistic many years ago, but he was an angry, drug using teen. i do think some of that still applies to him to this day though. we'll see...now that he's clean.

i talked with him again today and he has hope. he recognizes that he has a LONG row to hoe and feels scared but up to the challenge. they put him on remerol the day he was admitted and today have put him on lamictol. i hope he does well with these meds. he's been put on meds many, many times and has never followed through.

the hospital was livid when they found out that our community mental health center said that they would not allow him to see a p'doc for meds until he's been off drugs for a year! (he was never on anything major) the social worker at the hospital said to me, "have they never heard of dual dx???? what's he going to do when he feels so bad and has no hope of them helping with meds??? He's going to self medicate!!!!" he was truly livid. anyhow, the dr there has called our CMH to ensure he'll be able to receive meds when he leaves there. i hope they succeeded. i think they have or they would have instructed him to see another dr.

long story short, for the first time in years i'm cautiously hopeful for my baby brother again. i love him so much and want him to be at least a little happy. he's had misery long enuf and is due. i'm hopeful that he can be the best father he can to the little man i'm caring for. i realize he's limited, but he's engrained in that little boy's heart and soul (in a good way) as daddy and will always need him there, if for only a couple of days a week.

thank you again for all of your support! i'll keep you posted!

kd

I'm glad to hear things are better kd. For you and especially your brother. I know what it's like to want to help someone but can't.

When hubby REALLY started feeling better, he expressed that he felt like there was hope for his/our future. That was the beginning of a new life for him. I hope the same is true for your brother.

I wish him continued hope and success. You too.

ty ((((((((((((( 1day ))))))))))))))))

you've always been so supportive! i'm glad hubby is hopeful once again and realizes he has a great life with a gem of a wife!

love,

kd

Kimmy, I'm so glad to hear things are going well with your brother! I know you were so worried about him, and I am glad that he has stabilized now and things are looking up for him. I hope things continue improving for him, and that he appreciates what a caring sister he has! lol. I'm pleased for you both.