Frustrated and confused

hi there ya'll,

you all have patiently listened to some marital drama at my home. i've had some real tension between me and my husband. looking for a marital counselor has been really difficult. so, long story short, i was talking to phil about it and suddenly he says, "well the m. counseling was all your idea anyway." i picked my teeth up off the floor and uttered an intelligent reply like "hunh???" then he told me he doesn't want to go to counseling but was ok with the idea because it was so important to me. the brief, though calm, discussion left me feeling more than ever that we needed to get help but i don't know when that will actually happen. somewhere along the way, recently, it began to feel like i slipped down the rabbit hole with alice and life seems to be going through a lot of weirdness lately. i'm tired and confused and no longer sure what i need to do except not stop counseling with my T.

don't know what to say, so tired.

leslie and her pixies

{{{{{{{{{{Leslie}}}}}}}}}}}}} That tells me, more than ever, that you and Phil really need marital counseling. It seems that, generally, men don't think they need to change or don't need fixing... or they don't want to. You need him to be more understanding of you and going by my past experience with my husbands and some long past boyfriends, Phil thinks as they did, that he should remain where he is in his thinking and feelings and that you should do all of the changing. That's hardly fair, is it?

I'd encourage you to find that marriage counselor and have "Pil" go with you. Most marriage counselors are unbiased, Hon. Don't let that worry you too much. Like I said before, you can interview the counselor you choose before you ever start counseling.

Go, Leslie, go!

It's understandable that you would be so tired right now ((((((((((((((pixies)))))))))))))))) Maybe take a day or two to regroup and get balanced and talk to T about a good direction to go? Please hang in there.

"then he told me he doesn't want to go to counseling but was ok with the idea because it was so important to me."

That spoke volumes to me, leslie. If Phil didn't care, he never would've agreed to go. He was doing it for you. There is hope.

(((((((((((((( Leslie ))))))))))))))) It sounds to me like phil is in denial and is scared of changing. He wants you to do all the changing. His words do show that he cares (as well as being confusing...) - I'd discuss this with your T - as he is ok with the idea but taking a passive role it sounds like it would work for you to interview the counsellor(s) first to find a good fit. Be especially gentle with you right now

PS maybe wait until after the holidays to look for the couples counselling now as holiday times add to the weirdness and stress? Focus on you and all the good work you're doing with T

Leslie, I would keep moving forward with the idea. He doesn't have to be all gung ho about it for you 2 to go. He is willing to go so run with it (or are you afraid to make him angry?)

(((septembermorn))) (((wanttoheal) (((orange blossom))) (((fuzzybear))) (((sannah)))

thanks for the input and encouragement! we definitely need the counseling. as someone recommended i plan to revisit this idea at the first of next year and find someone for us to see.

however, the ritual abuse i experienced puts an added dimension of stress to the holidays, in ways i don't even want to put down in writing. i've gotten better as God and counseling have helped me heal, but holidays trigger me and it is very hard for me to relax and enjoy what the holidays are really about.(which has made me feel guilty because i can't just enjoy my family and children and the simple joys that i do have now.) over time it's gotten better but i have yet to have an easy and relaxed holiday. i am tired of yesterday robbing today!!!!!!!!!!!!

phil (pil) does care, is truly in denial and definitely needs help - especially if he truly thinks that our marriage problems are all about me and my problems!!! it takes two to make it and two to break it in any marriage. also, as sannah asked me, yes i am afraid of making phil angry. anger is hardest for me to face in others and my abusers used anger to control and program me and it is not all undone. almost any expression of anger feels like violence is just about to happen and i get very afraid. i am so tired of being like that.

all of you have been kind, supportive and wise. PC.com and you, my friends here are high on my list of thanks that i offer to the God i worship. let me also say, THANK YOU ALL HERE AT PC.COM. YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME AND MY PIXIES! HUGS!!!

Leslie, it sounds like you know exactly what you are dealing with here and I know that you will find your way through it. Keep remembering that Phil isn't going to hurt you okay! You are safe in today