[peaches100]

For the last 2-3 years, I've been trying to figure out if I have DID, or if I just do the normal kind of dissociating that it typical for BDP and PTSD clients. I will explain what happens to me, and I hope those of you with DID will offer your opinions. I realize that these are just opinions and not official diagnosis.

I first became aware of having parts after my first breakdown into a severe clinical depression at the age of 34. At that time, I suddenly became acutely aware of a traumatized child part of myself that held extreme pain from past childhood neglect by my parents and SA by a neighbor, as well as other traumatic things that had happened to me. When I am in my normal adult frame of mind, I feel like I have things under control and am not aware of feeling particularly unhappy or needy. But when I get triggered about past events from childhood (or sometimes even when I talk about them), then this "child part" of me seems to emerge. This typically happens in therapy.

When the child part of me emerges, I am flooded by feelings of shame, abandonment, neediness, and emotional pain. It seems to come on quickly, and sometimes, the pain feels absolutely overwhelming and so large that I feel literally unable to bear it. At those times, I feel every bit like a small child who has been abandoned or is in danger, and I feel desperate for physical comfort from my t and/or some kind of rescue from the pain that feels unbearable. There is usually alot of crying, and afterward, I feel extremely tired and very spacy. However, I do not lose time.

I am aware of when the child part of me is active and most of the time, I can recall afterwared what I've said and done. However, after it's over and I've returned to my typical controlled adult way of being, I usually feel very surprised and embarrased by the way I behaved or the things that I said. Looking back on it, whatever I had reacted to doesn't seem like such a big deal, and I am stumped as to how and why I behaved so extremely pained, fearful, needy, etc. I have noticed that I think and feel very differently, depending on whether I am in my normal frame of mind or triggered into my child-like state.

Also, sometimes when I am in that child-like state, poems will come pouring out of me. I write them without knowing what I am trying to say. However, when I read back over them, I find that they are often complex. They read as though a person with literary skill pored over them and put alot of thought into them. However, when I write them down, it feels more like they are just "coming to me" from somewhere and I am only recording them on paper. The theme of the poems is always about loss, abandonment, being fragmented, in danger, and in need of rescue. They are always very full of pain. But, like I said, in my normal way of being, I'm not usually aware of feeling emotionally pained.

My therapist has told me that these incidents are incidents of dissociation. We talked once before about whether I was DID or not, and after going through questions, determined I was probably not DID, though she said my level of dissociation was "about halfway between a normal person and someone with DID." However, I think we are not really sure. As therapy progresses, I'm becoming aware of other parts of me also. Not only is there a hurt, needy part of me, but also a part that wants to be hurt/abused and an angry part. These also feel like "young" parts of me. Therapy has become complicated because parts of me feel different ways, particularly the conflict between the part of me that desperately wants comfort and rescue versus the part of me that desires to be hurt and in pain versus the part that fears attachment and wants to detach or avoid.

It is starting to be hard for me to understand and figure out the way forward, when I am so clearly fragmented. But most of this fragmentation occurs when I become into these other "child states." In general, in my day to day life, I'm usually able to control things so that nobody would notice or even know I have these other states. But it's the talking and uncovering things in therapy that usually causes this to happen. The times I've had an "episode" in front of others is rare, but each time, those who have known me for years react with great concern, fear, and puzzlement -- not knowing what to do -- because they've never seen me like that before.

So. . .can anybody give me some opinions? Does this sound like DID? Or just minor dissociation? Also, when you realize that you are very fragmented and your thoughts/feelings/needs change depending on your ego state, how do you go about feeling more integrated and whole? Is there ever a way of putting it all together? Sometimes, it feels overwhelming trying to understand and reconcile all the parts of me that feel different ways.

[multipixie9]

when you talk about feeling like a small child who has been traumatized the word minor doesn't seem appropriate. i am
not qualified to judge your actual condition. there are varying degrees of dissociation and you do have some episodes where you do "go away" and begin to "act out" like a hurt child.

maybe you want to know if you "qualify", if you really do deserve attention and help for this part of your mind and for the pain that is obviously there when you trigger into these different states of being.

it seems pretty obvious to me that you need help due to the pain in your background. just be careful to choose well who you reveal yourself to. choose safe people, safe T's who will help you with the pain inside your heart and mind.

i am mpd/did. one thing i can share with you that may help is that i have parts whose job is to deny that i am dissociative. it is a defense. so even though i have known for years now that i am did, i will occasionally still have a sudden switch where i will think it seems idiotic to think i am dissociative. those who dissociate do it to get relief in a time of overwhelming pain or stress or fear. if you keep going to your T, in time you will know more clearly what is going on in your life and what to do about it. i'd recommend you spend some time reading and talking to others on this site and allow yourself some time to learn about dissociation.

hugs,

leslie and her pixies

[deliquesce]

it is not "minor" dissociation. minor dissociation happens to everyone e.g., when we are driving a car and lose track of time. what is happening to you is more. i think that it what your T meant by being between "normal and DID".

i don't have DID/MPD so i can't really say from that perspective... but from someone who has PTSD, i really relate to what you have written. it does not sound to me like you have fully fledged alters. more just that... you have parts of yourself that are still struggling in the adult world, and this can be addressed in therapy.

i recently started talking to my pdoc about the abuse. he tries to reach the little girl inside of me that needs love and care. she gets very confused and needy and lost and overwhelmed, she isn't like the "normal" me at all. but pdoc says we can heal her in time. i don't have DID, but i do have a part of me that feels abandoned, and that no one will love me. i also have a part that encourages people to treat me with disrespect.

like multipixie said, it sounds to me like you are trying to figure out if your suffering is "enough"? i think it is. what you have been through is 'enough', and the pain you are experiencing now is enough. treatment for me just involves talking to my pdoc, and he knows how to respond to the parts of me that feel abandoned. he nourishes them and they are healing. he has also said he will protect me from my need/desire to get abused again. i trust him.

i hope this helps... xo deli

[wanttoheal]

Hi (((((((((((((((peaches100)))))))))))) Glad you're here.

While it does not sound like DID, it does sound like there is some separation of self and I agree with pixies- it's not a minor thing and you deserve help.

My T has explained that everyone has parts of self, but often times trauma in ones life and how the brain processes things makes it so there can be barriers between those parts. Because of the way the brain works, one can be anywhere on the line of dissociation.

The lines between PTSD, Complex PTSD, DDNOS and DID is pretty fine, in my opinion and I don't know that it matters so much. It's all a struggle and often scary and often confusing no matter where someone is on the line.

Some people have extreme barriers between parts of self and so there is no communication or even knowledge of what happens when another part of self takes over. Others know exactly what's going on around them and can control what happens. But, there are so many places in between. Some people might see what happens when other parts are out but not have any control, some might see that other parts are in control but can't hear what's going on.

There are a lot of things that factor where the brain is on the scale of dissocation, but the good news is there is help for it.

I'm so glad you are seeing a T and feel comfortable talking to her about this. It sounds like she is knowledgeable about dissociation and can help you sort out the different aspects of yourself and help you heal.

I hope we can all be of some support here for you as you figure things out. I'm glad you're here.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( peaches100 ))))))))))))))

[Rhapsody]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I first became aware of having parts after my first breakdown into a severe clinical depression at the age of 34.
At that time, I suddenly became acutely aware of a traumatized child part of myself that held extreme pain from past childhood neglect by my parents and SA by a neighbor, as well as other traumatic things that had happened to me.

When the child part of me emerges, I am flooded by feelings of shame, abandonment, neediness, and emotional pain. It seems to come on quickly, and sometimes, the pain feels absolutely overwhelming and so large that I feel literally unable to bear it.
At those times, I feel every bit like a small child who has been abandoned or is in danger, and I feel desperate for physical comfort from my t and/or some kind of rescue from the pain that feels unbearable.
There is usually alot of crying, and afterward, I feel extremely tired and very spacy. However, I do not lose time.

I am aware of when the child part of me is active and most of the time, I can recall afterwared what I've said and done. However, after it's over and I've returned to my typical controlled adult way of being, I usually feel very surprised and embarrased by the way I behaved or the things that I said.

Sounds like DID to me, from my own experience with DID - as I am one of those rare few people that are 90% aware of what their alters do and how they behave... even though I am not able to stop or control them at the moment they feel the need to come forth (no time is lost with me personally, but it is shared with alters).

Maybe you need to see a T that is specialized in DID treatments and Dx?
I saw such a T and went to an outpatient program for it as well.