Acknowledging alters?

Good news!!!

Jon and I are planning to get married in March (maybe April).

We've been talking about it for some time, and we're finally making plans - just the two of us running off to this little chapel for our own private ceremony. Neither of us is really equipped to handle the Big Wedding, and we don't have all that much money anyways. Just the two of us sounds perfect.

Something I'm thinking about, something I'd like...I'd like to include his alters in the ceremony somehow. They ARE part of this relationship, and I want everyone to know that I accept them - individually AND as part of the system. I would just like to say before God and "everybody" (all two of us) that I choose this man, in all his ways, to spend the rest of my life with. We've talked about it a little before. He hadn't thought about it. He hasn't ever been in a relationship where his DID was "OK".

Now that the whole marriage thing has come up this time for real, I'd like to follow up on this, but I thought I'd see what you guys might think (or not think) about that. I don't want him to feel weird or embarrassed, I don't want him to do anything he's not comfortable with, I don't ever want him to do anything just for me...

Does this sound like a good idea? A nightmare waiting to happen? How might you feel if your SO wanted something like this? Should I just forget about the whole thing?

In other news, he's had a HUGE breakthrough with his anger issues. Just over the weekend, he's begun to recognize the feelings that go along with his blowups. He's even been able to control how far it goes. He can't quite keep it from happening yet, but he can back it down a LOT faster. We're starting to work on healthy ways he can work through some of his anger, and we're talking more about the things that trigger it. I'm glad he finally feels comfortable and accepted enough to feel angry...we just gotta work on what we do with it. I'm getting better at my boundaries, too - mostly walking away when the yelling or the cussing starts instead of trying to arguing and defend my "reputation". It ain't all peaches and cream yet, but we're both working hard to make this a good relationship.

I've been doing more work with our T to get a grasp on my DDNOS. Things I've felt an dealt with my whole life that I never really noticed. In some ways it's nice to finally be recognized, but in other ways it's a whole 'nother load of crap for me to heal from. OK, ok...it's not THAT bad.

Actually, I'm just having more problems recently because I'm slammed at work. Fifty hour work weeks REALLY drain off my resources. When I get worn through like this, I ALWAYS get some mental backlash. I'm kinda nervous...I've had one of the engineers come to me and ask a question about one of my designs, and I have no idea what I was thinking. I can REMEMBER doing the calculations, but the numbers have nothing to do with anything. THAT'S hard, and it's caused me problems before. I guess I just always thought i was stupid or forgetful or just confused. I didn't know it had a name.

Hope and pray and wish that you all have a wonderful day and at least a few moments of blissful serenity.

What great news Kendyll!

Congratulations Kendyll and Jon. You two have worked very hard on your relationship and healing together. I am glad you are finding your way.

BB

kendyll and jon

i am so happy for both of you, you have done so much to make things good together. i wish you all the very best together!

you ask about acknowledging his "others" in the ceremony. my only real thought is, could you write something of a personal statement or something in your vows to acknowldge the unique nature of your relationship and how you all have grown together and become closer in the fullness of your multi-faceted relationship.

also, you may want to think how you would work this out with the person officiating your ceremony. this person might need some time and discussion to be able to handle your ceremony with grace and understanding, so he doesn't act all stiff and awkward due to lack of insight into did. just a few thoughts, guys and i am so happy for you.

we all have our own stories but i am very wistful and wish my so could be like you. he and i have been together for 28 years and we were 14 yrs. in before i was dx with mpd/did and he has never been able to accept its validity or reality. it hurts me more than i can say.

leslie and the pixies

Just a thought, but maybe you could do the marriage planning (not the day, but what it’s going to be like being married) as a gift to all the alters. Maybe you are doing this already. More than likely some parts are going to be happier or less confused than others. But, to be conscious of this process might help to minimize the negative and maximize the positive. Some brides have all kinds of bridesmaids, but you’ve got a lot more to work with in creating your all special day and life with as few creases as possible. I would think that be a very special gift to each other. We’re really big on pulling together ideas or polling, like in creating a “Wedding journal or plan of events” Like pictures of how your hair is going to be, or of finding a special pen to sign the certificates. So much to do for EVERYone! And, for the likely part who is going to want to couch sit … maybe a special sandwich and a pickle ~~ all part of the plan!

One way or another Good Luck! I’m happy to know there are people as nice as you to consider the bigger picture.

You encourage!

Ann’s

I'm so sorry leslie ... this has to really stink. We believe in you and we're pretty sure you are real.

Ann's

Congratulations on your engagement. Have you guys set a date? I'm glad things are going well for you guys.

I'm sorry I don't have an answer about acknowledgment. For me, I would not want it, but my life is about secrets and that would feel too unsafe for me. I think discussing it with fiancé would be a good idea. Best of luck to you.