[jeNeTeConnaisPas]

I was wondering if anyone else has this problem,

I get confronted by people, and even if I'm me (Edgar) I start yelling at them, "GO AWAY! JUST GO AWAY!" and it's like I can't help it. A voice just comes out of my mouth.

I don't know if it's another part, or what, if it is, I don't really know who it is.

I'm getting really stressed out and I feel like I'm losing my mind, eventhough nothing really triggering has happened this week, and I'm not hallucinating. I guess I feel really lonely, and I'm waiting to get into a hospital in Maryland.

I'm terrified to fly on a plane, (political reasons, and family history of crashes, it's seriously a curse) and even if insurance will cover it, I don't know how I'll get there, because I don't have money.

I really really want to go there and so does my brother, (hes an alt too)

When I feel like something bad is about to happen, to prevent me from going where I want in the near future, I start to panic and sabatoge things. I almost feel like doing something drastic for no reason.

I can't clean, I can't eat, I can't sleep. I just want to be okay. And no one inside is good at doing any of those things, sadly, I'm the one who does that stuff, and if I can't, then what do I do?

Any advice would be greatly appriciated.

-Edgar

[multipixie9]

edgar, is there anyone IRL you can trust enough to call on for some physical help for a short time? therapist? relative? friend? crisis-line or any kind of help agency?

this would be scary to ask for help, but it may be what you need to do to get yourself to the hospital. sometimes we just have to do some stuff to get us through. do you have any alts who come through in a pinch?

someone has to be "admitting" you to the hospital. it sounds like you need to contact them soon and let them know how bad it is getting. since it is you going to ask for help, talk to your head and ask that part that is screaming at people to hold back and stop getting in the way of help.

it will not always be this way, this bad. tell yourself what you need to do to survive and do it edgar. this is the best i know to tell you and it is what i would do. i do not have many people who help me but sometimes you just have to let people help when you've done your best to be sure they are ok, not abusers.

i am really sorry it has gotten this tough on you. i will pray for you.

leslie and her pixies

[wanttoheal]

I'm sorry you are struggling right now. Do you have a therapist? I don't have the problem of yelling because my brain has always been about hiding and being un-noticed, but I do have times where I can't seem to do what is needed. It's so hard when I shut down or disappear and things have to get done. If you do end up going to that hospital and flying, perhaps you can take some anxiety medicine to help you be calm?

There is a lot of self talk here- just telling brain that it's okay now, saying encouraging things, etc. I didn't always do that though and I know how hard that is. But I have found that the more I do it, the more it helps.

Please take gentle care.