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#1
Jan 25, 2009, 04:23 PM
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Just feel sigh....No relief. Therapy is sooo hard. Homework from therapy is like good for us like we are learning so much about us but then were confused and exhausted? Even though Husband is helping too that helps! I really just feel so done....I haven't even began. I have never been good at doing anything that takes time...EVER...Therapy as i know each and everyone of you all know is years of hard work...SIGH...i just can't do this...Idon't feel well at all..I feel i know myself and (others) well then I start the doubting again and then the process starts all over again...
I am confused and it's making me crazy. My t is just so supportive and cares so much about me!! She know's how much we have to do. My system is so much more complex then she even I even began to think...it's so much to comprehend...The pressure cooker lid isn't staying down NO MORE and I am so scared...There's nothing I can do but just hang on... Sorry I just dont mean to vent and I cry and whine I am just used to having my "control" and no more can that be as my system is long over dooo to be heard and dealt with too..especially the littles who are all so vary fragile and hurting so much for attention and time..Sigh... sorry so long MC 
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I keep running but the past is still following! |
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#2
Jan 25, 2009, 09:02 PM
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mc, sometimes you can't look too far down the road. if you do it gets overwhelming. for now, try to take life day by day. it may not sound very comforting but it is all there really is. you can do for one day what you couldn't bear to think of doing for a year or a month even.
hugs,  leslie and pixie chicks
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  HEALING HAPPENS
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#3
Jan 26, 2009, 03:10 AM
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Life is like a box of chocolates and I always get stuck with the nuts.   |
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#4
Jan 26, 2009, 09:25 AM
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miserycriz,
Read your message today and thought not sure what to say other than isn't it great to be able to safely speak here and know its gonna be okay. Hugs Safe warm hugs for ((((((((((((miserycriz)))))))))))))) know I care and others as well, day by day take care.
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later |
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#5
Jan 26, 2009, 12:14 PM
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((((((((((((((miserycriz))))))))))))) I so relate to that. When T and I first started, she thought there was some fragmentation, but we just had no clue of the extent of splitting in my brain.
 It can be very overwhelming for sure. I was so overwhelmed because I didn't even know there were parts and the stuff I found out was from parts, I thought was normal. And then finding out there weren't just 1 or 2 lurking around but many- it was/is hard. I think the take it one day at a time is good. I can't think that far ahead and can only think of the task set before me right now. Otherwise I get so overwhelmed that I can't function at all. Hang in there. I do think it gets better.
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#6
Jan 26, 2009, 12:38 PM
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MC, are you mostly afraid of letting go of the control?
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#7
Jan 26, 2009, 01:35 PM
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to everyone of you for your support. I just dont know...Sannah control? What control? I haven't had control all along...I mean I have known that really for some time..If blacking out when anger or fear arises is control then yes maybe? Or just using other means of self punishment then YES I am afraid of losing that..Thing is I used to say "oh well I must of had too much to drink (even if it was a beer or two) but it was an excuse." So Not sure on what control if ever I have had in my own life. I have had the control of hiding within myself so that control seems to have been giving over a long time ago!wanttoheal i know when t said to me saturday that i needed to getting some form of post it notes and start making myself out sorta speak and getting to know myself (slowly) i felt this all over panic increase. I keep waiting for the "joke" to be over..Or for her to say oh we messed up you actually have some other "issue" something!! When she looked at me and I could feel my body my own being sorta speak sinking further away I felt paralyzed within my own self? I am so scared. I told her and my dr. when the DID dx came about three years ago this wasn't like now. Of course I pushed it all way away and wouldn't allow any further treatment on that issues and just worked around other skills to deal with SI skills and SU issues what not and decided not to deal with past trauma on the advice of and idiot head pdoc and the hospital that I was put in..I was there for DID too!!! He was not skilled in that area but I had no idea what to do or whom to look for or anything I was Green Knew to everything you knwo? The PDOC that sent me there was retiring and she knew she couldn't take me on as a patient...SHe was so great and got me further help else were...Anyway's point is it took me a while to get where I am now...Sorry lost train of thought, but so DID wasn't that huge for me I jsut decided to ignore what little bit bothered me and push it all away and do as the stupid PDOC said put it away move on with my life and it would go away!!! Ugg sorry this is so freaking long, anyway's now that my wonderful T looked at me there sits in here so much so many that have not talked or said anything to me faces that run by with what memories I don't know? I am so scared and frightened...I had no idea what people went thru and yes everyone is differnt in there experiences...As a mother, wife etc too I live a "normal" life so i am very careful to try and watch time all the time lol and it's so stressful as YOU all know...I will end this all...I have so much more to explain just no words to explain it...I really wish a this point i wasnt here anymore!!! ThaCrew thank you if you get this sorry that its so long to get to this part but back MC
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I keep running but the past is still following! |
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#8
Jan 26, 2009, 01:52 PM
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Quote:
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#9
Jan 27, 2009, 05:17 PM
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Is there a way you could write out some questions and find out just what it is that you are afraid you would find out. There are so many things that we can learn from all these people's different perspectives. I think much of your misery could be traced to the presssure felt by all of the different parts. it is like you are living in a dark room together, but if you can just gradually turn on the lights and allow them all to speak and all to be heard and I believe that the distress and turmoil inside will begin to ease up as all parts feel accepted, respected and acknowledged for their part in the life they shared. one for all and all for one!!! the more bonded we become with all of our different parts the more we can find a way to come to an actual "meeting of minds" that will naturally lead us to a more cohesive internal state of being that will be best for us all. sorry, don't mean to ramble on.
leslie and pixies
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HEALING HAPPENS
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#10
Jan 27, 2009, 06:30 PM
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Courage and Fear are brothers.............
PTSD, I can deal with............DID I would not wish on my worst enemy few years, intense outpatient therapy.................and finally managable different, a good different Scared? For me scared, was an understaement,more like paralyzing fear I had to find courage to face the fear...............creator alot of 10-15 minute cat knaps........even today...just,not as many I love my artist,that lives within................ he helps for me to stay sane |
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#11
Jan 29, 2009, 10:01 AM
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thanks for everyone's replys and for listening.....
MC
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I keep running but the past is still following! |
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