the dentist

we need to talk about monday and going to the dentist. as an adult i am ashamed that i do not care for my teeth well. it has always been hard since my first dentist was a sadistic pervert who was a "child dental specialist"

we have been living with some dental pain for at least 5 years and it finally went to unbearable pain and we went in and we need a root canal. i use anti-anxiety meds and pain meds and live with the risk of addiction. the only way i could get there was with a ride and 2 1/2 anxiety pills instead of the max. dose of one. it didn't even affect me at all.

today i ran across a posting my littles had done asking someone for prayer for our monday office visit to the dentist. the post ended thanking the friend for help because "we don't wana die". i almost missed it, almost dismissed their words and i finally realized they meant what they said. even my overdose of anxiety meds i felt very frightened at the dentist and did my adult pretending to be ok routine while my heart raced.

sorry to take so long to get to the point. FOR 44 YEARS I'VE HAD TO CARRY THE FEAR OF DEATH TWISTED INSIDE MY HEART AND MIND AND STRESSING MY SOUL - AND THAT IS ONLY ONE OF THE TIMES I THOUGHT I MIGHT DIE, HE GAVE ME 5 AND OTHER ABUSERS GAVE ME MORE ALMOST DROWNINGS AND OTHER FUN EXPERIENCES THAT MADE ME THINK THEY WERE GOING TO KILL ME. I KEPT TRYING TO KILL MYSELF STARTING SOMETIMES IN MY TEENS.

if you looked at me you would never, ever think i have i have been forced to do things straight out of a horror movie, as a toddler. for 40 something years i refused to believe my own past. i lied to myself, made myself sick, raced trains at railroad crossings, challenged cars in crosswalks, harmed myself and lived with anxiety i did not understand because i hid my life from my own mind.

i wish i could just DEAL WITH IT STRAIGHT ON, i'm so flippin tired of the flippin dissociation and other psych crap that i used to survive mentally. i am so so so sick of it all and i am so angry and i can't deal with the anger because it never will surface when i need it to. it only shows up when i have no space or time or help to deal with it. AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when will it ever just get to be over?

Leslie, I am sorry you are in so very much pain and anguish right now. I am sending you a pm about this post.

thanks all of you. i am surprised anyone read this post because it is horrid to even think about dentists. ooh.

compared to last night, i feel as a meek as a lamb. life can be so weird. ooh still don wana go dentis, ooh.

leslie's pixies

i can't go to the dentist either..my teeth are a mess...its the one thing i wish i could change about me..i don't mind that i am fat or not pretty but my teeth...well thats another story.

geez..i don't know how mnuch anxiety meds it would take to get me into a dentist office and keep me there...i honestly think i would have to be knocked out for someone to work on my mouth.

my dentist never harmed me but because of all the sexual abuse i can't tolerate things in my mouth, especially with a male dentist. i had one in high school who used novacaine and laughing gas and that was okay (but honestly it was before i remembered most of the abuse) and i think the addict in me enjoyed the drugs enough to block out the inner and dental pain.

as far as the pain from all the anguish of the remembering and the aftermath...i wish i could tell you it will someday all be gone. i have similar anger issues as you....can't tell you how many time i wished i was dead so the pain would be gone..and how many of those times i tried.

oh god i was so angry...i wanted to hurt and beat down anyone who got in my way ...and my favorite target was me.

for now anyway i am in a calmer safer place...be it from a great t and a pdoc who finally figured out the right meds, exercise, age, and maybe i just have begun to make peace with things. my abusers for the most part are dead (except for siblings and a cousin and i have no contact with them).

i still dissociate all over the place and the people come and go. i'd be lying if i said i didn't lose time or know everything that happened 24/7. it's not perfect...but its better.

so maybe that angry, rage filled period passes...slowly...i guess now that i think about it and start to put it down on paper it seems mine has somewhat lessened.

i hope this helps a little...i know the feeling of frustration and it sucks, and it does feel like it will never end, but it does.

hi stumpy, nice to meet you thanks for sharing. i do know what you mean about male dentist and things in the mouth. i have difficulties connected to that. and breathing. my nose must be able to get air freely.

i did the dentist. they discouraged me from using nitrous oxide and the adult me was ok. but then i began to cry. they were decent but not compassionate and they are clueless about why i was crying and i let them stay clueless. i had no spare energy or desire to try to educate them about patients with abuse.

i was glad i let myself cry. i had abusers who would not let me cry and i've always had a low threshold for pain. i have been in horrendous pain since the local wore off and i think maybe because it is a root canal in an abscessed tooth. even the icebag is not doing much. i feel some guilt because i used a huge amount of pain meds over 5-6 hours and got so little help. so i did something against my conscience and it did not even help. this much pain knocks me on my butt.

thank you for encouraging me. i hope we will get to know each other here on the forum. glad to meet you.

leslie and her pixies

Oh Leslie et al, I'm sorry you are in so much pain. Tooth pain just sucks - that's the one pain we cannot dissociate no matter how much we try.

I am glad you managed to get through the appointment. Glad you took care of yourselves, and let yourself cry when you needed to, without having to 'take care of them' by way of explanation. You did great.

Root canals hurt. Abscesses hurt. I hope the pain eases up soon.

I had to go to the dentist last week, and again this week. I dissociate and feel traumatized too. My post about it is in Clyde's Corner, if you want to read it. I know how hard it is to go to the dentist. I'm sorry that you had to.

THANK YOU FOR KIND WORDS. HAVE NOT GOTTEN ANYSLEEP COS PAIN WIL NOT LET US GET SLEEPY.

WE SO SO UNHAPPY AN FEEL MAD AT DENTIS FOR NOT TAKIN CARE OF US GUD. WE HATES HIM BAD MAN BAD MAN. HE TAK NIS BUT HE BAD.

WE HURTS TOO BAD TO CRY. I FEEL AWFUL . I DINT EVR THOT THAT DENTAL PAIN IS ONE WE CANT DISOSHATE FRUM IT. WHIMPERS OWIE OWIE. PLEEZ ENIBODE KNOW HOW MAKE PAIN BETR. DE DOCTR NOT HELP. SAD, SAD. GRRRR

PHIL MAD COS WE NOT GET UNDSHIRTS WASHD. WE HATES US. STUPIDS. SO MAD, WE SO MAD. WI THEY DON CARE US. LIF HURTS TOO MUCH.

LELI, STORMY AN KIKI

Leli, Stormy and Kiki, just because Phil is mad doesn't mean that he hates you. I get mad at people and I don't hate them. I get mad at people that I love very much sometimes!

I am sorry that you are in so much pain.

I am glad, however, that you made it through your appt! You did good!