This is something I posted on the psychotherapy board, but in the middle of posting, I thought maybe I should post here instead. Please forgive me - I haven't been able to come to this board for a while....I thought that coming here was somehow triggering my dissociation, but obviously, I was wrong. So, I feel kind of guilty for posting, but I really need help

Okay, here is the post:

My last couple of sessions with T have been....unreal ( I can't think of a better word). I absolutely dissociate and do not remember about 90% of the session. I remember snippets - asking him to hold my hand to keep me there (he held it, it didn't work), asking him to tell me something, ANYTHING from the real world (he told me what he had for breakfast). I zone in and out. I know I am telling him things because I brought in something today that I wrote and he said "you told me this story on Monday - do you remember telling me?". NO. I DO NOT REMEMBER TELLING HIM. And I wonder what else I am telling him that I don't know about, but I don't want him to tell me.

He left me a very loving, very reassuring message about how brave I am being (how am I being brave if I am NOT EVEN THERE?) and he said that he and I need to work together to figure out how to slow things down so I can stay in the room and connect with what is going on. (I should probably be posting this on the DID board,and maybe I will,are we allowed to double post??). Anyhow, I don't know how to slow things down. I don't even know I'm there. Argh.

At the end of session today, I DO remember getting present and being positive I was going to throw up. The room was spinning and everything looked tippy, like a Dr. Suess book or something. I was willing to do ANYTHING to make it stop (I'm usually stubborn if he tells me to change how I'm sitting). He told me to sit next to him on the couch, shoulder to shoulder, and we would both put our feet on the floor. I am small, so I had to be on the edge of the couch so my feet would reach the floor and it almost made it worse. I don't remember what happened next, but then we were standing and the room was tipping like a boat or something. He held on to me. I thought I was having a stroke or something. Somehow, somehow he made it all stop and I managed to leave AND DRIVE, which seems unbelievable to me now.

ANYHOW, my point in all of this babbbling, is HOW do I slow it down? Little me is screaming at me in my head because she wants to talk, I am using all of my energy to keep her quiet, and somewhere in that battle, I disappear.

Has anyone been through anything remotely like this? Just typing about it is making my head hurt and making me nauseous.

ANY ideas? I'll try anything, literally.

[pegasus]

Replied to you in the Psychotherapy forum. ((((((((((((( earthmama )))))))))))))))

[Luce]

Hi EM. Your experience sounds really familiar to me, too. Like Pegasus wrote in the psych forum, I would suggest you go back to basic grounding techniques. Engaging the 'thinking' brain (as opposed to the emotional brain) is a really powerful grounding technique. I think Pegasus' patience trick is a stroke of genius! There are other grounding techniques on a video on youtube - if you search for 'grounding techniques' it should come up with a video clip of a therapist describing some for you.

Soemthing else I read recently gave me food for thought, and I'll give you a link to it. On this page there are several articles about working with child parts and knowing when you ready to delve into memory work.

http://discussingdissociation.wordpress.com/page/2/

Maybe something on there will speak to where you find yourself on your healing journey now.

EM, here's my reply in case you look in this forum first.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showp...57&postcount=7

[Safron]

earthmama,

I don't have anything to offer but I wanted you to know that I understand and that my thoughts are with you.

[DianasClan]

I like the grounding ideas. I think they would help. I, like safron, really dont have anything to offer in the way of help but I thought I would let you know that I understand how you feel. I dont remember my T appointment from Tues either. Not sure who went or what was said. So I fully understand.

Diana

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by earthmama

Little me is screaming at me in my head because she wants to talk, I am using all of my energy to keep her quiet, and somewhere in that battle, I disappear. ANY ideas? I'll try anything, literally.

You gotta let her talk, hun. It's the only way through. only way to make the diss. and pain and spinning stop ultimately.

((((((((((((((((((Earthmama)))))))))))))))

probably not what you wanted to hear
I'm here for you.
Kiya

[Poohbear13]

Originally Posted by DianasClan

I like the grounding ideas. I think they would help. I, like safron, really dont have anything to offer in the way of help but I thought I would let you know that I understand how you feel. I dont remember my T appointment from Tues either. Not sure who went or what was said. So I fully understand.

Diana

Earthmama:

Like some of the others, I don't have much to offer in the way of advise to slow things down, but I completely understand how you are feeling. I have been having the last several sessions with my T and I don't remember a lot of what was said or going on. I really hope that you find something that helps you and when you do please share it with us. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Pooh

[Sannah]

I am sorry that you are struggling so EM. I know that you will work through this though and that you will be much better afterwards..........
...........

[Crew]

EM,

((((((((((((earthmama))))))))))))))))) first thing. 2nd thing is you are doing some GREAT work. It is an unfortunate that we all have to go through really tough memmories. Your "system" is working and yes it is scary but your T has your back. Something that may help is setting out paper with crayons or pens that work. From my expierence when I went through those really rough times and we still do this. Put paper throughout your home and just state what you want. People then can come out and write whatever. It's nice to be known. I'm not sure this is making alot of sense or not but it sounds like "your people" is doing some great work!!! I know it seems like a mess but it's called HEALING!
BIG GROUP Hug with EM Were thinking of ya and thanks for posting! ThaCrew