[beutifulxdreamr]

Hello Everyone! The following might be long, but please bare with me. If you want you can skip to the section labeled "Questions"

I have a few questions about DID. My mother was diagnosed with the disorder when I was a child; however, I did not find out until I was in my late teens. I never really would have guessed she had it. I would say it seemed as though she had something close to it, but I never thought she had it. Things that cued me in were the following: emotional lability (one minute she is fine and a split second later she is yelling at me), substance abuse (she can't get off cigarettes but she hasn't drank for years now), and occasionally in order to wake her up I had to call her name as a child instead of call her mommy. Sometimes she uses a child's voice and it seems as though her face changes, but it always seemed as if she was joking. If she sees a dog sometimes she would bark and pant/ if she was talking about dogs she would. She also had very strong opinions and was not afraid to express them. She frowned when she slept, and she can be very manipulative.

Anyhow, I myself was diagnosed with PTSD by the same therapist who diagnosed my mom with DID when I was younger. I know the two diagnoses can go hand in hand and DID is often accompanied by PTSD (not necessarily the other way around though). That brings me to my...

QUESTIONS
Before you were diagnosed, what were your symptoms? Did you have any other diagnosis before you were told you had DID? How do your alters get there names? Were you always consciously aware of your alters? Does any one else in your family have the disorder? Before you were diagnosed/before you knew about your alters, what was your conscious dialogue in your head like?

The reason I ask all this is because after my mom was diagnosed I did extensive research on DID. I was so afraid I might have it, or get it some day. So I know all of the scientific/DSM-IV stuff that explains DID and how you would diagnose some one else, but I was wondering about your personal experiences/how you would know if you need to be evaluated for DID.

I have a history of self-injury and a previous suicide attempt, I've experienced sexual and physical abuse. Mom was overbearing and angry and my father was very passive and barely ever there. Parents divorced when I was eight but mom didn't move out til I was like 9. Divorce wasn't finalized until I was in my teens. I often had panic attacks in high school (5 a day) and found myself self-loathing. I don't really hear voices but the dialogue in my head sometimes talks to me (very rarely) like "No, what were you thinking" or "don't do that." It's not really loud, it's quiet. Also, my mind feels really busy. I don't really feel connected all the time. It's especially hard to focus during things like this... I will often pause for an unknown amount of time and then get back to my work. When I was in my teens, especially after a concussion I got from being hit in the face with a softball, I would lose time. I would sit there thinking it had been five minutes, but it really had been a whole day that had passed. My memory is TERRIBLE. I forget things often - like my keys or what I did last weekend. It take some pretty active trying to remember for me to remember those things, even then I can't always remember. Another good example of that is thinking that I've done something but I really haven't. That happens a lot with people. Or I'll think I said one thing and people say I said something completely different. This is especially true during heated conversation. Another thing I do is think I said something to one person so I'll continue tell them a story that I thought I had been telling them before, but it was really some one else. I'll argue with people because I think for sure they are in my group in school but they really aren't. Occasionally it feels like my mind is vibrating ever so slightly. It's like the world distorts just a little bit or maybe my ears will ring and I will go deaf and my head/brain feels like something is rubbing on it or like low volt electricity is going through it. More recently I've developed muscle twitches. My roommates tell me I look like a whole different person when I'm angry. Sometimes I wear make up and gussy myself up and sometimes I go out completely wasted-looking and don't care (don't bathe for like three days). I also get really worked up any time I think about the past. There is ALOT about my past I cannot remember and do not want to try to remember. When I try to work through it, I hit road blocks and dissociate and get anxious and afraid and panic... I feel like the walls are pressing in around me and I can't escape until I forget about trying to remember...... Any way, it's probably way more than any of you wanted to know, and I probably should talk to a diagnostician to find out what I really am. But I just wanted y'alls take on your Dx of DID. How DID is like for you.

Thanks for this...

~BxD

[Elysium]

Hi BeautifulXDreamr,

Wow..you have some great questions. I imagine you will get some different, yet similar (if that makes sense) answers to these questions.

Although, I can not and will not say whether I think you do or don't have DID, it does sound like you may be experiencing some dissociative symptoms. What I know (from my own research, experience, and treatment) is that everyone dissociates to a certain degree...and this is normal. I do not believe they (scientists) have identified any dissociative disorder as genetic, however, it has been shown to develope in some people who have close relatives with a DD. I don't think anyone is really sure if this has to do with genes, culture, or environment, but the study goes on.

I was just diagnosed with DID in February. I have a history of Major Depression and Complex PTSD. I had similar symptoms as you have described throughout my life and over the last 5 months have been under a dispicable amount of stress. In February, when I was researching some info on complex PTSD, I realized that the voices that are normally in my head started giving me info about themselves...it was as if a light bulb went on and everyone just decided to come forward and introduce themselves. It was very confusing.

Now everyone has Ego States...parts of themselves that change a bit...(i.e you behave differently around your parents than you do your friends, you behave differently at work than you would if you were at a party), Ego States are normal for everyone, however, I always felt more broken than people seemed to think I was and I didn't understand why. I knew that this was not a common thing for PTSD, to be having others identify themselves in my head and I was scared. My therapist and I knew that I had a history of dissociation throughout my life and I was aware that I had been dissociating a lot more lately and I started to research DD's.

When I really started reading about DID, I thought I was insane, and that it just couldn't be possible, and I couldn't have that....only really messed up people have that, and I wasn't that messed up!!! ('De Nile is more than just a river in Egypt!!!) But it seemed as much as I read to disprove it, the more I could see myself in DID and vice versa. Now I still have bouts of denial. I have a specific part/alter that is the Comedian of the bunch who doesn't take anything seriously who always tries to convince us/me that we are not DID and tells us the diagnosis is just a bunch of quacky sh**, but I have moved towards acceptance.

Doh!!! I've typed so much I have already forgotten what your other questions were....... I really try not to be that into myself, but sometimes I can get carried away...LOL.

I'll sign off for now and re-read your post. If I think of something else that I can share, I will.

Thanks for reading...welcome to the forum...everyone is VERY supportive here!

Hope this helped some.

[Elysium]

How DID is for me...

My switches can be quite subtle. I am very isolated... no family near, and not many social engagements so not a lot of people actually se me switch, although my closest friends have notice changes in my behavior and just brushed it off as me being goofy, or just in a bad, or dramatic mood.

I occasionally lose time, but not alot. I have a lot of micro-amnesias, which is where you forget a lot about things that have just happened. Like, I can have a conversation with someone and forget I said something, or think I just said it in my head, or I don't remember one thing from one day to the next. This can be normal for most, but with me it's more on the extreme end(that's my best explanation for that...). I also experience most of my memories as fuzzy, foggy pictures...like I dreamed them. I always remember things as me watching myself do things. Sometimes my memories feel like they are way back in my head floating towards the top and I am right there with them....I know, I know...WTF??

Anyway...that's a little about me and my DID.

Originally Posted by Elysium3006

But it seemed as much as I read to disprove it, the more I could see myself in DID and vice versa.

LOL, Elysium, I bought the DID Sourcebook (I think that's what it's called) and often used to read it to prove that I DO NOT have DID, and every time I read it, it's like....there I am!!! All over those pages!

(((((((((((beutifulxdreamr))))))))))))) Welcome

My diagnosis was Complex PTSD...it took a LONG time in therapy before T and I realized we were dealing with a bit "more" than that...

My experiences before I was diagnosed were similar to some of yours...losing time was the thing that distressed me the most. And just a sort of permanent mental confusion...like really having NO IDEA what day, month, or even SEASON it was a lot of the time. I just couldn't (and can't) hold on to time very well. My alters don't have names....my littlest one goes by the name we were called at her age (she is 3), when I was older, people started calling me by a nickname, and everyone else shares that name.

I am still in the process of discovering how my system works. I have a wonderful T who my littles ADORE....and my teen puts up with LOL...and T is helping me wade through everyone's memories and needs. It's a lot of work, and feels a little impossible sometimes. But T is patient, and experienced, and ACCEPTING, and I have hope that someday life will feel a little less confusing...

Have you considered seeing a T?? Starting therapy was really the best gift I've ever given to myself. It's gut-wrenchingly hard a lot of the time, and one of the most terrifying things I've ever done in a lot of ways....but at the same time, I am finally healing, and, especially for my littles, finally getting some big, huge needs met. I feel like my broken heart is getting pieced back together....

I hope you find some of the answers you are looking for here, although obviously, no one here could diagnose you. I know sometimes it's helpful just to hear what others' experiences are like.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((((((((((beutifulxdreamr))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry you are struggling right now. Do you have a therapist? Living with a DID mom can be a struggle I think. My children have a lot of issues due to mine because I did not have enough awareness to be the mom I needed to be a lot of the time.

As Elysium said, there are many types of dissociative disorders and other diagnoses have dissociation as a trait as well. Dissociation is a coping mechanism that may have worked for you at one time.

In my opinion, I wouldn't worry about a diagnosis so much as just trying to heal. If you have DID, it will become clear for your T. Maybe you can concentrate on the here and now and how to cope with what goes on for you today.

Welcome to our forum. We look forward to getting to know you.

[turquoisesea]

I think everyone's given you some great responses. I just wanted to say, that DID is experienced differently for everyone. The diagnosis is a label - nothing more. Your experiences are the same regardless of what you call it or what others say about it.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Maybe journaling about it could help you. Putting feelings into words has helped me alot on all fronts. As I tried to put into my own words what was going on in my blog/journal, things became much clearer to me. It also helps you talk about what you're experiencing to others. Also posting in these forums like you are doing is good. Going to a T is a good idea (I think), if you still have access to one

and btw, glad to have the details, no worries

~turquoisesea
ps if you want me to talk about what I experience I'll definitely share, I'm not sure of my dx though so I thought I'd leave it at what I have above

[beutifulxdreamr]

Thanks everyone. Y'all have been so awesome with your responses and have given me a lot to think about. I agree with all of you - diagnosing myself is a mistake (I'm sure I'd end up adding hypochondriac to my list when it was all said and done lol). I see a school counselor but have mainly been using her as a resource for grief counseling. I started seeing her last summer for self confidence issues and told her about some of the things I struggled with in my past, but then my mom was diagnosed with end stage cancer... and all the focus on figuring out what was wrong with me went out the window... Anyhow, I'm not sure if the school counselor is equipped to deal with the types of problems I noted above. It may be that she is, but I'm not sure. She said it's a good thing that I cry every so often and she doesn't see my dissociation as a problem so long as it isn't interfering with my life. I guess I'm just getting by like I usually do.

(the following may be considered triggering and as noted before is lots of stupid uninteresting details of my life)

I'm also not very forth coming with Ts. I had one for ten years (got put in therapy after a suicide note when I was seven... or as close to a suicide note as you can get at seven years old. I talked about how I wish I wasn't born and how I didn't know who I was... that I could be any one, "briana, Kevin, or some stranger on the street." I wrote that I felt like I was a black hole... lol I <strike>was</strike> am so messed up). Any way... It's weird... In therapy these days, I usually put on this cold, cool, collected exterior when I am with a T. I think extremely rationally and appear very together (except for being always late to appointments). I very rarely cry in T though I have gone a couple times and just melted down...

When I was younger I avoided doing work in T by playing games (pick up sticks and stuff like that... I actually don't remember a whole lot about therapy either). My T would always ask me "Are you ready to do work today?" It finally got to the point where she would force me to work. Towards the end of my T, I was very uncaring towards her or myself. I refused to sign safety contracts or I just broke them and didn't care. I laughed cynically at the idea of me (to put it nicely) not being around any more. That was shortly after I was raped and shortly before she left me as a T forever. o_O Not that her staying was helping much. I was very uncooperative.

Moreover, my fiance doesn't think there is anything wrong with me. He doesn't want me on meds because he thinks it is an easy way out and he says that I don't have a chemical imbalance (psych major, just graduated). He says I can go long periods of time being happy... that I just don't handle stress well at all. He said that's normal and every one feels that way

Even if I went to T... I don't know if I would do the hard work necessary... ;_;

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by beutifulxdreamr

QUESTIONS
Before you were diagnosed, what were your symptoms? Did you have any other diagnosis before you were told you had DID? How do your alters get there names? Were you always consciously aware of your alters? Does any one else in your family have the disorder? Before you were diagnosed/before you knew about your alters, what was your conscious dialogue in your head like?

I didnt notice any symptoms myself.I was feeling suicidal and a friend recommended a mental health agency where she was a receptionist. One day I went in to work with her. She introduced me to some of her co workers. We told them I was thinking about entering therapy for suicidal thoughts. Her co workers were all very warm and took time to talk with me about the intake process. Part of the intake process with that mental health agency was having a psychiatric evaluation/assesment testing before assigning me to a therapist. when the resident psychiatrist said he could give me a sample of what that is like I thought what the hay forget the sample lets do it for real and I went with him and went through all the tests. 4 weeks later I got a call from him saying the test results were in and asked if I would like to come in and talk about it. I went down and thats when I found out all my diagnostics including DID.

I had absolutely no other diagnosis before this time because I had never been to a psychaitrist or mental health agency before this.

I dont remember doing it but my alters names all ended up to be related to why they were there.. angry ann, jelous Jill, Picky Pat, Patty Cake, Jumprope Jackie, some were named after my parents, hampsters and fish, cartoon characters, names of people I saw on tv, Buffy and Jody from family affair, Cindy, Jan and marsha from brady bunch.

No I wasnt conscious of my alters. They knew more about me than I knew about them, I became aware of them through therapy work.

No one else in my family has mental disorders.

My dialogue in my head before I was diagnosed was the same as after I was diagnosed. I rarely heard my alters because I wasnt co conscious before therapy. but on rare occasions they came through the rain on the roof sound I had in my head nonstop. what I heard was related to why they were there, the emotions and memories that they held. Sometimes commeting on what I was doing.

[turquoisesea]

for what it's worth I think a big part of going to T is learning how to do the work. You never know if you don't try and at least you could talk about surface things if you can't handle tackling bigger stuff yet. Just a thought