[DaveP]

I made a super horrible mistake. I cheated on my wife. She found out of course. I really love her and it wasnt worth it in any way shape or form.

She left with our 2 young boys and is living in a different state with her sister for now. I know what I did was unforgivable.

I'm at a complete loss on what to do...i love her very much and shoudl never have fallen into temptation. I miss her so much and wish I coudl do everything to go back in time and not do what i did..

[bonaire]

Oh boy. Well, first off - welcome. I see it's your first post.

Was it your first/only time? Were you "shopping" around at all prior? Was it an "accident" (one time thing) or something you worked up to with someone you knew?

I'll admit that I did the same thing you did but in a pretty complicated situation. That was back in '04. It was painful for me and my wife, I put her through a lot. It has stained our marriage but she did say she forgave me. Right now, our marriage is very "minimal". We love each other but are kind of more "room mates with two great kids". I worry most about how we will be when the kids move out for college in a few years.

Time heals a bit - but if you guys are young and she has resources (family support, a job, etc.) then she may be "gone". She has a right to be gone in terms of how we "label" situations like this within the marriage. My wife had a right to either blow me off or forgive me. I don't think we ever came to the conclusion about why I did it, though. I'll admit - it is/was more complicated than your situation.

You're going to have to give her space (I moved out for a few months). I think you'll need to start talking though - you have your two sons and rights to see them. She canot legally leave the state either - so you may want to start talking to a lawyer to find out your rights.

If you guys were a close couple before this - you may just want to put it all out there and say 'look, I'm sorry and I want to talk about this - maybe using a mediator/family therapist". Resolving it isn't easy. And, like I had to, you have to realize that she just may stay away.

[ncguynva]

welcome!

Being on the opposite end of a situation like this i can offer some advice my friend.
Number one- If you want her back thats great, but it is HER choice. You cannot make the choice for her.
Number two- Be strong. I know its tough but dont let it get you down. Women are attracted to strong men.
Number three- I say let her blow off some steam for a while. She will need it. That is one thing that I HATED that my ex-wife did....she constantly called and texted me after i cornered her with the evidence.

Good luck my friend!

[sunrise]

If it were me, I would want to be contacted by my husband who cheated, so I don't recommend not trying to contact her. Yes, she may need to blow off some steam, but she needs to hear you say that you are sorry and that you won't do it again. She probably won't be able to believe you at first, as she's too hurt and angry, but she needs to hear you say it. Later, she may come to believe you, depending on how things go.

My husband cheated on me. When I found out, he never apologized or anything. He just said he deserved to have multiple lovers and he was going to keep on doing it. For me, that meant the marriage was over, even though he wanted to stay in it. If he had told me he was sorry, had made a mistake, and would not cheat again in the future, I would have considered not ending the marriage.

I recommend telling her you're sorry and that you love her and want to make it work. Tell her you'll give her some space if she needs it and suggest that when she comes back, you would like to go to marriage counseling to improve your relationship. And tell her you miss your boys. Make sure you talk to your boys frequently on the phone while they are gone so you don't fall out of their lives. I wouldn't tell your wife you are going to see a lawyer just yet. That could seem hostile. If you do go get legal advice, keep it to yourself at this stage. If a month passes and she is still not back, tell her you are going to come visit your sons. If she doesn't want to see you, her sister could take the boys to you at a neutral point. But you are entitled to see your boys. If she refuses to let you see the boys, that adds to the legal case you can build against her.

[DaveP]

thanks all for the advice. No legal issues so far my boys have visited me and stayed with me twice now. I think you are right about the strong men thing, when i let myself be vulnerable she makes me feel like crap but when I start standing ground she changes her tune..its weird. I am trying to get her into counseling its taking time but hopeful she will finally do it and I too. I'm going to stay the course I am on and see how this works out.

[DaveP]

Oh I forgot to add. It was with someone I knew...more of a freinds with benfits kinda thing. No romance was involved just sex I honestly dont have feelings for the woman.

I have said I am sorry and that this was a one time thing. Its defeinately not worth it to ever go through this again. So I am hoping she will believe me and try to work it out.

[lynn P.]

Hi Dave P.,
I'm a woman who has been hurt by a cheating husband. You can read about my sad situation, just type in polygamist marriage. I admire your wifes decision to leave. I only wish I had the strength to do the same. No, I don't think you should be crucified but I wish you could understand the terrible mental pain that you put your wife through. You crushed one of the main pillars that hold a marriage together. For what?- Sex? I guess now you can see it wasn't worth it. There's a saying - once a cheater, always a cheater. That's why she hasn't come back to you.
It's commendable that you feel remorse. But if you ever want to have a stable relationship again ,you need to discover why you are the kind of person , who cheats.
If she never takes you back, then hopefully both of you can be civil for the kids sake. I realize that the words in this post sting but, sometimes the truth hurts.

[mama_mia80]

Originally Posted by bonaire

She canot legally leave the state either - so you may want to start talking to a lawyer to find out your rights.

That's incorrect. When I left my husband, I took the kids and fled to FL while he was in VA. It was NOT illegal, because I was their MOTHER, and as such, was not kidnapping. She doesn't have to stay in the same state if she doesn't want to.

[bearchic34]

As far as the legalities go that is different in any state. Here in IL you need the other parents permission to move out of state otherwise it's a no no. At least in the cases I have been a witness too.

On the topic, I am sorry that your hurting and it's comendable that you want to save your marriage. I say go to counseling, show her by action you are trying to be a better man BUT don't let her bully you out of guilt. I have been cheated on (Not by LK, pre cat days) and it sucked. Ruined my confidence in myself. She's asking why wasn't she enough, why wasn't she pretty enough, what did she do wrong, how did I not know, how could he do this to me. Those are some of the things running through her head. So I say to prove to her that you are willing to do whatever it takes to gain her trust back
1. Go to a Dr, get a clean bill of health. No STD's to ease her mind of that,
2. Start seeing a marriage therapist on your own. If she see's you putting in the effort she may try too.
3. Take ownership of what you did. If the kids ask in front of both of you say something along the lines of "daddy did something really naughty and he's in kinda like a time out because he has to learn from his mistakes like you guys do"
4. DOn't push but when you DO speak, i assume you do about your children, tell her I Love you and I am trying to become the husband you deserve. Not over and over, just once during the conversation to reiterate to her that your trying.
5. ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT with other female EVER AGAIN. Change jobs if thats what it was, change health clubs, whatever. Do not put yourself in the vicinity of the woman again, for your wifes sake.
It's gonna take time for her to decide if she can forgive you, give her that time and space, be the loving husband when she allows you to. ie when you pick up the kids open doors for her, get her coffee or soda or whatever while you are up. In time she will either forgive or file for divorce. If thats the case you know what you have to do in your next relationship