[degas]

I called my husband and told him I was asking for a divorce while he was on vacation with his father and three brothers, all of whom are wise and caring men. I did this with hope that he would open up with them in that situation, maybe do some brainstorming. They are all wonderful people who I think would be there for him and not denigrate me in the meantime. He has few (no) personal friends and I sincerely think he needs this support from them.

Now I don't know if he has spoken with them at all, maybe he wants to keep this to himself.

We will have our first marriage counseling session tonight and I don't know what to expect. I don't want to spend 40 minutes criticizing each other, I can't stand my feelings getting hurt, I am extremely sensitive, and I don't want to say bad things about him either. It seems counter-productive to do this to someone who needs to heal to become happier and believe in the future. Where does the hope come from? Seriously I would rather get in the car and drive off a cliff, but I can't because I have our kids living with us, but I'm so unhappy every time I look at him. How much can I reveal in these sessions?

[Shangrala]

The best way to start this session off with is YOUR truth...for yourself.
Lay it on the table..how it IS for you. How you feel about it all. Only then, can that provide you an honest direction to go in.

Your hub or counselor cannot offer approprtiate responses if you withhold YOUR truth.

Just from your post alone, it is obvious that you are not a vengeful person and only seek peace for all concerned....STARTING with you.
With that as fact, which will speak for itself, you can only attend this by providing what you are seeking out of this.
Honesty is your best bet, I would think.

I hope this works for you.

Take care~

Shangrala

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by degas

We will have our first marriage counseling session tonight and I don't know what to expect. I don't want to spend 40 minutes criticizing each other, I can't stand my feelings getting hurt, I am extremely sensitive, and I don't want to say bad things about him either.

I think you should say that. There is no set way to do a couples session. You do it your way, not some way you saw on TV or something (constant criticism for 40 minutes). If you don't want to say bad things, then don't.

I have been through a long divorce and one thing I can say is that my XH and I did it our way, not the neighbor's way, or his brother's way, or my friend's way. There's no rule that says you have to be nasty or mean. Ask your counselor for help in saying things that are not working for you in the marriage. Tell your H that your goal is not to be critical or blame him or insist on being "right." Just tell him that there are some things in the marriage that are not working for you. He probably has things that are not working for him too.

You might also explain to him why you told him you wanted a divorce over the phone while he was on vacation instead of telling him face to face.

Best of luck. I used to think too that I would rather die than go through a divorce and all it entailed. I am done with the divorce now and I can tell you it is much better than dying. My kids are doing well and so am I and my XH. We get along better now than we did when we were married. Courage!