[TUMIgirl]

How do I begin to start my life? I've always been takin care of and protected. I left home at 23 after getting married and started a new life. But the truth is i have never really lived. Never been alone, on my own or anythingthing of the sort. I don't really have friends. This seems so scary to me. I feel like I have no identity. I was always someones daughter or wife or mom. But who am I and how do I begin to find myself. I am trying to spend time alone, reading or movies but that is hard sometimes. Its still hard to deal with because of my seperation. How do I begin to relie on just me?

[arcanum]

You already have started to live your own life and make your own decisions for you and no-one else. It can be a little lonely, especially at night but you have this, you can reach out, and you will make friends. It is scarey too, but now you can make an identity for yourself, not have to be the way someone else thinks you should be ~ you will always be someones daughter and someones mum but you have to be yourself too. Use this time to find out what you like best, you can eat, wear, watch and do anything you want. At first it is hard, but it gets easier, i had never really lived alone either, i left home at 18, married at 19 and had my daughter at 20. In some ways i would love to live with my fiance right now but in some ways i really like my independance too now i have found it!

[jerrymichele]

Hi Tumi. I have read in a lot of your posts that your husband wants you to change. If you don't mind me asking what is it? A relationship takes 2. If he is putting all the blame on you, then that isn't right. I also hope that your not putting all the blame on yourself either. I know that you are hurting really bad and I'm so sorry.

[TUMIgirl]

He wants to feel loved wanted and appreciated for all he does for our family. He wants to feel like a man in his home. I feel kinda dumb but It was hard for me to show him support. I didn't know what to do or say. There was a time I wasn't working and was able to stay at home. Home often took him on the road. He felt I should handle the household and be happy I had a man who could support me and wanted me to take advantage of this free time. Instead I expected him to share 1/2 the responsibilities of the house. I was selfish and had a hard time realising it. This has been going on for some time, it's not new. I just tried for a week or so then went back to my old habits. He eventually grew tired and I guess I pushed him away. I would ask for advice and not take it. I decided what things happened at home and not allow him to make decisions. There's more but the brunt of it was I dodnt know how to support him and make him happy despite him doing so much for me.

[jerrymichele]

Tumi housework isn't going to make a man run for the hills. If he told you that, then that is just an excuse. I just got done reading your other post, and I think that we both have the answer. Just remember YOU are #1 and he needs to start thinking about you and your child.

[TUMIgirl]

It was much more then the housework. I have too much time to think and cant stop. I am driving myself crazy and sometimes think i will never get past this. What im really obsessing over is thinking about him moving on. This past weekend was good he confessed a few things that give me hope. He misses me though does not want to admit it to me because we are trying to move on. He went to a concert last weekend and began to cry when he heard our song. At the end of the weekend he said he had a good time and enjoyed himself. But added this is the way a divorced cople should be. Sometimes I just wish he was a total jerk and just left. But i dont really mean it. I would really be a mess if he did that. Trying to hang on.

[abeatofmyown]

I understand completly what your going thru. My husband and I havent went thru anything like that but it has always been my worst fear...to want him so bad and for him to turn his back on me. I feel ur pain. Hang in there. It might seem like ur life began with him but it really has not and it wont end with him. Take control of ur emotions. Stressing urself with the whys? and what could i have dones? Is pointless. Its like being in a rocking chair...it gets u going but u get no where. As i write out these words to u im taking it in myself. Im also apllying it to my own situation.

What part of nyc are u?

[pineapple]

abeatofmyown's analogy about the rocking chair is excellent! 'It gets you going but doesn't get you anywhere'.

I guess some analysis is useful, just trying to understand why things go sour, or change in importance or meaning. For me, it's been useful to really concentrate on myself and develop my own interests. Looking at yourself through someone else's eyes is so dangerous, although it can be wonderful if they are kind eyes. There's the rub, as they say. At some point the kind eyes don't look as kindly anymore, or we need ever more kindness and it's just not enough.

Trying to understand where things changed is useful, but I think the trick is to give a little more attention to oneself and one's own feelings. They are easy to forget for some people. I have also found it useful to try to accept that some things may not have an answer at all, or that it might just appear by itself when we're not actually looking for it so damn hard.

It really is constant practise that makes one better at this, constantly reminding yourself that you are you, even if you don't know who this you is just yet. You are in there!

Following some new interests, giving them time to become genuinely interesting, practising focussing on yourself and how you feel about things, maybe writing down when something really works for you as a reminder for when you suddenly don't know what you're doing or what the point is. There's lots of those times too, but they do become shorter and fewer as time goes on.

It's true what someone else said here; your life didn't begin with him and won't end without him. Baby steps, there's a whole world of experience and learning out there. The start is hard, true, but it's a shiny new chance in some way, and there's a lot of beauty in that. It's ok to be sad, just remind yourself that there are other things to think about too and pace yourself.

Wishing you peace.