Time to move on?

My ex moved out about eighteen months ago and we have been divorced about three months. During the separation and until now she has been seeing another person. She left our relationship because she was not getting the emotional support that she needed. We have a special needs child and caring for him was very difficult. She did bear the brunt of the difficulty as she worked from home and I traveled. Throughout the separation and even after the divorce we remained close. I have hoped that we could work on the issues and give it another try. We have both gone to counseling and we both acknowledge that the other has made great improvements in some of the issues that we faced. Recently I told her that I was at the point where she had to make a choice between continuing her intimate relationship with the other person or trying to work out our issues. I did not ask her to stop seeing this person while she made her decision just that she stop the physical part of the relationship. She thought about it for a few days and then told me that she felt that she needed to try to work out the relationship with the other person. I told her that if that is what she needed to do then I would not be able to see her anymore at this point. I told her that I have spent the time we are apart trying to put things back together with and that continuing to hang out with her would not allow me to move forward in my life. She asked why I could not just be friends with her and take what I could from that and that if I met someone else then we could reevaluate. I don’t think that I can move on if I keep seeing her socially because I still want the intimate relationship back and as long as I am seeing her I am reminded of that and can’t move forward. Am I being unreasonable?

I dont think your being unreasonable. Your just being human and it hurts because you still love her. I think she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants this other person, but also you as a backup. I could be interpreting the post wrong, but that is what I got out of it. I would do what you need to do so that you can heal.

Hi gyguy...

Jmo, but I don't think you are being unreasonable, either.
Actually, it sounds to me like you are starting to set boundaries with her.
and in some ways, perhaps you are wanting something that just isn't going to happen.
It's healthy to make your needs and expectations known, but it does not seem like she is willing to accept them.

It may be of benefit to you to seek counseling to sort through your feelings, focus on what you need to do for yourself, and put those things into action.
You are a worthwhile human being, gyguy, and need to take good care of yourself.
Changes can be hard and scary, but they can also be the best things we can do for ourselves.

In Peace

Thank you for your responses. I am starting to set boundaries that are good for me. It takes two people to be in a relationship and if one of them doesn't want to be there then it is not going to work. Whether or not we work it out it is time for me to move on from my old relationship habits.

It sounds like it is time to move on. I hope that even though you are moving on, that you can still maintain the cordial relationship for the sake of your child. Plus, it really does make co-parenting easier if you are on a cordial basis with each other. With my XH, we don't socialize together or anything like that, but we do talk about decisions about our children by email and phone, and sometimes in person. We keep the conversation centered on our kids (kind of like a business meeting) and don't stray into personal stuff.

Good luck.

Hey GyGuy

This is a tough one, huh. My ex and I still get tangled up in our old emotions. We keep things friendly, he had an affair and walked out only to realise afterward that he'd made a big mistake. He wanted back in, but there had been too much damage done. He has since had a few relationships with others, but he still comes turning to me when things go wrong in his life. I have not had a relationship since he left, but I won't resume anything physical with him either. The emotions are still there on both sides to a certain extent; For me, its different though. I care about him, and I still very much love the memory of the man I married, but its no longer him. I have a familial feeling toward him still, he fathered my children, that fact will never change.

So maybe i can understand how your wife is feeling. You don't just lose that connection that you shared with someone for so long; you probably still do occupy an important place in her psyche. The difference is woman can maintain an emotional connection without it being sexual. Men work less this way. To you that closeness easily seeks a physcial representation; And it probably always will, so long as you stay close to her. It it is too hard for you, stop. If she is reasonable, she will understand. And once someone else fills that space in your heart, you will probably find you no longer have that inclination toward your ex wife.

This will be easier for your ex than for you; Time to take care of yourself, and move on. Sounds like she already has.