[winyan]

I married my husband 17 years ago even though I did not love him long story short neither of us is happy but he still wants to be in the marriage and I do not I had what I call an awakening in late fall of 2010 I woke up one day and realized what is missing in my life is love and passion how does a person 55 years old realize suddenly what’s is missing how does that happen he does have some problems but we all do fundamentally he is a good person but because of a bad decision I made 17 years ago we are separated now so if you find answers please let me know am I being monumentally selfish?

[shezbut]

Well winyan,

Seventeen years is a long time. I was with my ex for the same amount of time, and also struggled with my emotions. There were good times in those 17 years ~ there was also a feeling of safety and feeling "accepted". That was pretty important to me. I had always craved those emotions.

Lust or passion weren't present in my marriage, and I was "okay" with that. (For the most part ~ I occasionally had intense fear attack me due to the lack of desire.) I had always wanted "til death we part", for security. Emotional security.

As we had young kids, my health took a turn downward. From there, things spiraled down and down further until severe depression consumed me & I wanted nothing more than escape - death. And that is when my ex couldn't take it anymore. From there, he wanted to separate. He supposedly "hoped" that I would change through separation, and our marriage would then become stronger. That didn't happen. I didn't change...my depression stayed the same, and my physical health sort of "platued" (sp?).

My ex then wanted a divorce. We got one. It wasn't fun. Didn't make me feel any better. Took a lot of time & tears to get through the experience.

I've gotten involved with another man since the divorce, and I discovered that I do have sexual desires and needs. Quite a discovery to experience after so many years! but a very nice one

I don't know if I've helped you in any way here. Just wanted you to know that someone does care. I can relate to the emotional journey. And it is that ~ quite a journey. It isn't ever easy though. Especially if you have children. That makes matters even more complicated and emotional.

Very best wishes to you! I hope that you find what is right for YOU. It takes time.

[alakazam]

I do not think that admitting that you are not happy is selfish. I think it is selfish to stay with someone out of guilt.. as you are preventing them from pursuing a passionate love of their own. It sounds like your husband is terrified of change, and maybe you are too. You say that when you got married you did not love him. So, my question for you is what would it take to make you walk away and try to find love? Would it take seventeen years? Eighteen? Twenty three? How many years do you need to put in before you realize that you deserve to be loved too?

[Leed]

Years ago, I married a man I didn't "love" too, and I stayed in that marriage for 26 years. I also came to the conclusion that I wanted MORE out of life that just the status quo. I wasn't happy. We got divorced -- he didn't want it, and I thought he'd kill me.

There IS more "out there" and you CAN find real love. You can sit at home and "what if" yourself until you're 80 years old, or you can make it legal, and go for it. I found a wonderful man after I divorced, and we were together for 7+ years before we married. He was the answer to my dreams!!

You can have that too, or you can play it safe. The decision is yours. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[winyan]

Originally Posted by shezbut

Well winyan,

Seventeen years is a long time. I was with my ex for the same amount of time, and also struggled with my emotions. There were good times in those 17 years ~ there was also a feeling of safety and feeling "accepted". That was pretty important to me. I had always craved those emotions.

Lust or passion weren't present in my marriage, and I was "okay" with that. (For the most part ~ I occasionally had intense fear attack me due to the lack of desire.) I had always wanted "til death we part", for security. Emotional security.

As we had young kids, my health took a turn downward. From there, things spiraled down and down further until severe depression consumed me & I wanted nothing more than escape - death. And that is when my ex couldn't take it anymore. From there, he wanted to separate. He supposedly "hoped" that I would change through separation, and our marriage would then become stronger. That didn't happen. I didn't change...my depression stayed the same, and my physical health sort of "platued" (sp?).

My ex then wanted a divorce. We got one. It wasn't fun. Didn't make me feel any better. Took a lot of time & tears to get through the experience.

I've gotten involved with another man since the divorce, and I discovered that I do have sexual desires and needs. Quite a discovery to experience after so many years! but a very nice one

I don't know if I've helped you in any way here. Just wanted you to know that someone does care. I can relate to the emotional journey. And it is that ~ quite a journey. It isn't ever easy though. Especially if you have children. That makes matters even more complicated and emotional.

Very best wishes to you! I hope that you find what is right for YOU. It takes time.

I am glad you found love it makes me hopeful
You said that you were okay with not having passion in your life I can’t help but wonder if that may have been some of the reason for your depression, I say this because I believe that in my case I did other things to cope misguided passion. There for a while I was rescuing animals and got so in to that, and as I look back there were other things I threw myself into to compensate for the lack of love and passion in my life what really annoys me is that it took my so long to figure out what was missing.

Thank You !

[winyan]

Originally Posted by alakazam

I do not think that admitting that you are not happy is selfish. I think it is selfish to stay with someone out of guilt.. as you are preventing them from pursuing a passionate love of their own. It sounds like your husband is terrified of change, and maybe you are too. You say that when you got married you did not love him. So, my question for you is what would it take to make you walk away and try to find love? Would it take seventeen years? Eighteen? Twenty three? How many years do you need to put in before you realize that you deserve to be loved too?

Thank you, you are right and your comment made me think no I dont want to waite another year even life is to short.
Thank You!

[winyan]

Originally Posted by Leed

Years ago, I married a man I didn't "love" too, and I stayed in that marriage for 26 years. I also came to the conclusion that I wanted MORE out of life that just the status quo. I wasn't happy. We got divorced -- he didn't want it, and I thought he'd kill me.

There IS more "out there" and you CAN find real love. You can sit at home and "what if" yourself until you're 80 years old, or you can make it legal, and go for it. I found a wonderful man after I divorced, and we were together for 7+ years before we married. He was the answer to my dreams!!

You can have that too, or you can play it safe. The decision is yours. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you for the encouraging comment I hope you are right I hope there is someone out there I can share a life of love and passion. I am glad you have found the love of your life, and I will let you know when I find mine
Thank You!

[sabby]

I don't think it's selfish at all to realize what you want/need out of life at any age. I think what the biggest thing missing in many people's life that may drive us to want to look for more is that we haven't had the time to do because of raising families/taking care of the house and spouse etc., is that we forgot to love ourselves and find the passion within ourselves.

My personal believe is that nobody can make you truly happy but yourself. Only when one is truly happy with themselves can they find happiness from another...it's like icing on the cake, not the cake itself if you get my drift.

It's not easy loving oneself and finding our own inner passion, but it is so very important to try and hopefully succeed at it in order to live a life of love and passion. It's not fair to ourselves or our mates if we depend on them solely for our love and passion. That's a lot of pressure to put on another individual.

That's my take on it. Wishing you well!