[Seshat]

Hi everyone. For the past six months I've been reading about the process of getting over broken relationships and the like, and I've found contradictory pieces of advice. Some people say stuff like (I'm paraphrasing here) "don't mention your ex's name. Just saying the word ex instead will help you move on" and other people say it's better to mention the ex's name so that the ex will be just like any other person you'd be talking about. What do you guys think? I know this might seem somewhat silly and I know I should eventually stop talking about him, but I've noticed I'm having a lot of issues with the name thing (one of them being that the guy has a very common first name, lol). Thanks.

[eskielover]

Sometimes referring to them as 'the JERK' feels really good & works well providing an accurate description.

Yes time is good in stopping the talk about them because when they aren't in your life, there ends up being less & less to talk about unless you dwell on the past (which is NOT a good thing to do).

I am separated because getting a divorce isn't an option at this point due to financial issues. I still use the title husband, very seldom refer to him by name except with close friends....but moved 2100 miles away where I didn't know anyone or have any family....so no one knew me or him or his name.....so it's not like they would know who I was talking about if I used his name anyway. Never have talked much about him since leaving except when he does something really stupid & I need to have some communication with him

[Gilead]

I refer to mine as "she who has no name".

It's been years since I've used her name in any conversation either with her or with other people - and believe I'm over it. I'm just not over all the damage - it's a huge cleanup that will probably go on forever.

But she who has no name is doing just fine.

[Leed]

When my late husband and I were dating and we were talking and I had to mention the "ex" I always referred to him as "Jerk-face." My husband always knew who I meant. LOL Unfortunately, he had to meet him at a funeral of a family member, and "jerk-face" was NOT very pleasant, so my hubby liked that name I chose for him.

[Perna]

I think both of the contradictory suggestions might work in different situations. I know when you get a song stuck in your head, professional jingle writers suggest either singing the whole song through to bring "completion" or to substitute the song with another (or something else).

Why is one talking about the ex/"Dear John" in the first place? I would work to replace thinking about him with something else and if someone else asked about him, I'd explain we had broken up and I "didn't know" and change the subject.

[Seshat]

Thanks everyone.

[krisakira]

You know you are over your ex when you can call him/her by name, and NOT get triggered. The thing is to be able to process and move on, without 1. avoidance/denial, or 2. obsession.

[Seshat]

That's true. I've managed to get to that point before, but it's been a lot harder this time. Thanks.

[BethD1980]

i refer to him as the "a$$hole" or my soon to be ex husband ( we arent offically divorced yet) i never call him by his name, i also refer to him as HIM.
Beth

[Seshat]

My T came up with the idea of a neutral "code name" so that I wouldn't feel that uncomfortable. I did go through the "a$$hole" and "him" phase at the beginning, though.

[DivorcedWoman]

My boyfriend and I call my ex himself so we can talk about things in front of our kids or course not anything too heavy duty but little things. I go back in forth between calling him my ex or by his name. When you have kids, the ex comes up in conversation so as I said I tend to go back and forth between ex-husband and his name.

Since we both plan lots of play dates with the same children and see the same parents I never say anything deragatory about the ex.

[Muser]

My Ex passed away soon after we divorced so it seemed disrespectful to call him names but my partner's EX gets called all kinds of things....it's childish spot on our part, I know....but it is kind of fun. Relieves the tension. Not very sophisticated but we all have our own way of coping.

[2MuchCoffee]

Even though we're not officially divorced yet, I already call him my "ex". He hasn't been my husband for a long time. The glue that stuck the name on was when he started dating someone else less than two months into our separation. He had no intention of working anything out with me, even after almost 13 years together. So, the sooner I move on with every aspect of life, including how I refer to my ex, the sooner I can heal and my kids can heal.

[Muser]

Originally Posted by 2MuchCoffee

Even though we're not officially divorced yet, I already call him my "ex". He hasn't been my husband for a long time. The glue that stuck the name on was when he started dating someone else less than two months into our separation. He had no intention of working anything out with me, even after almost 13 years together. So, the sooner I move on with every aspect of life, including how I refer to my ex, the sooner I can heal and my kids can heal.

That sounds like a very mature and healthy attitude, 2MuchCoffee. I'm sure you will do well.

A friend refers to an ex as "wasband."

[salukigirl]

I have dated 2 Johns.....talk about a common name haha. If I meet a guy friend or whoever and his name is John I usually make up a nickname for him so I don't think of either of my exes when I'm talking to or about someone completely unrelated.

[sabby]

My first "ex" is known as

"The Sperm Donor" That's about all he was good for

[Muser]

In the beginning my partner's Ex lived about 20 minutes from us. He didn't call her anything good back then

Then she moved about a mile or so from us so he called her "cross the river."

Now he calls her "up the street" so what does that tell you??

[Muser]

P.S.

Typo...childish sport not childish "spot" (I guess nothing good comes from being naughty)

[Glimmerofhope]

hello i loved this post - i call mine that - insert swearword here , and find it helps i never use his name , as i cant it help x

[cshellz]

I have also used other names and mine were not as mild as the ones mentioned on this thread.
It's been three years since the divorce and now I'll use his real name if I am talking about him. I find that I only call him nasty names when I am upset with him.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Seshat

Some people say stuff like (I'm paraphrasing here) "don't mention your ex's name. Just saying the word ex instead will help you move on" and other people say it's better to mention the ex's name so that the ex will be just like any other person you'd be talking about. What do you guys think?

Yes, I mention my former husband's name. If the name comes up in conversation with someone who knows him and his name, I refer to him as "John". But if the conversation is with someone who doesn't know him, I refer to him as my ex-husband or my former husband. No need for them to learn his first name when they don't know him or will never meet him. And if they don't need to know our relationship, I may also refer to him as "someone I know," as in "someone I know once said that...." Also, if the topic of our kids are somehow involved in the conversation, I may refer to him simply as "Susie's father" or some variation on that. As in, "Susie when camping with her Dad this weekend," or "the kids are on their father's insurance plan." My ex-husband is still their father so this seems like an accurate and easy way to refer to him which doesn't even reference our past relationship at all. It is about his current role, so is very forward looking. I like that!

I have a therapist and he has suggested instead of "ex-husband" that a good alternative is "former husband." I think he feels that the "ex" is somehow negative or antagonistic or something. I have used this on occasion, and it works fine.