[sewsweetie28]

My boyfriend of 8 years told me on Friday that he wants to separate. We have 2 young children, ages 2 and 3. We have a history of breaking up and getting back together but not since the kids have we broken up. I am in total shock even though we have been fighting a lot and we have both threatened to end things. I thought I wanted this, but now that it is a reality I don't want it. I am scared and sad and feel like a dear caught in the head lights. I am in total denial, I feel like I may be able to fix this, that I can show him that I can stop fighting and that we can stay together as a family. He is not telling me that I have to leave the house right away and the only option I have if I do is to move about 120 miles away to my parents house with my kids. He does not want me to take the kids so far away and promises me that there will be a court battle if I do. I am just so upset and even seeing him makes me cry. sometimes just looking at my kids makes me sad and fearfully for what the future brings. Can anyone else sympathise with what i am going through?

[Leed]

For one thing, if you DO have to move out (why can't HE?) he can't tell you that you cannot move to your parents house --- If he wants you to stay closer, then tell HIM to get you an apartment and pay the RENT! It's a shame that he had to pull this nonsense AFTER you had children.

Don't let him scare you. I doubt that any court will DEMAND that you NOT move to your parents house. If he wants to be closer to the kids, then HE can move too!!

I wouldn't count on "fixing" things since it's apparent that he doesn't want to fix them. I think I would consult an attorney about the kids & what rights both of you have, since you're not married. You'll need to know EXACTLY what is expected of you.

Try to make the split as cordial as possible -- these kids don't need to hear you fighting any more. It's going to be hard enough on them as it is. Best of luck & God bless. I'm really sorry this is happening. Hugs, Lee

[Open Eyes]

Lee is right and you do need to consult with an attorney. The woman has the right to the home and the man cannot make her leave. The woman has a right to the dwelling until the children are 18 and the man has to continue to support the woman, dwelling and children.

You need to take the bull by the horns and figure out YOUR LEGAL RIGHTS. Right now you are allowing him to CALL THE SHOTS, NO HE WILL NOT!!!!

He is being totally irresponsible and he is childishly calling the shots. You have been together for 8 years and you have children. There may have not been a legal marriage but there is a thing called COMMON LAW MARRIAGE. And that means that all the laws of marriage do apply, get councel. Do not run or move, that will mean you will be giving up rights and he can and will use that against you. STAND YOUR GROUND and he will not gain the custody of those children. FIND OUT YOUR RIGHTS AND DON'T MOVE OR RUN.

Open Eyes

[mgran]

You have two children, and he's prepared to take their home from them? The guy's being a jerk about this. Really, he is the one who should move, particularly since he's the one who instigated the separation. He has no right to turn around and tell you to move your children and yourself out of the family home. It's the FAMILY home, and when he's gone you will be the one carrying the burden of family, caring for the kids. If he's forcing you through emotional bullying to leave the home, then YOU are the wronged party, not him, and you can move wherever you want to. It makes sense that a mother of two who is being forced into homelessness would go to her parents. He does not have a leg to stand on.

I understand given the shock that you may not feel up to fighting him on this, but if you can find the emotional energy then it's worth sticking it out. He has NO right to do this to you... I'm ever so sorry you've got to go through this.

Hopefully he'll come to his senses at least enough not to make you three homeless. If he does I doubt any judge will be sympathetic to him.

If he's prepared to do this to you and your children, you have to ask yourself is it worth fighting to make the thing work. I'm not saying he's a jerk all the time, but certainly for now that's what he's being. Again, I have to say how sorry I am. It's up to you, you can either stay where you are and fight for the house, or go to your parents. Both options are completely your perogative, and he has no right to threaten you with court if you go to your family. How dare he still dictate your actions when he's the one abandoning you and your children? His behaviour is beyond outrageous, it's vile and disgusting. I think he needs to know that. I have no sympathy for him, and doubt anybody would.

Your parents may be a source of support for you and your children. Again, how dare he demand that you not avail yourself of your family at precisely the moment that he, your partner, and the father of your children, unceremoniously dumps you all? He sounds like a control freak and a bully. You can do better than that.

[my3sns]

hugs... im thinking of you. and lee is right, there is n
o reason for you to be the one to move....and im sure you are probably considered to be his kinda legal wife since you have children together and have been together so long, so you should get help financially from him. dont let him bully you, you do have rights.

[mgran]

Also, I wanted to say that when my son's father and I broke up, ten years ago now, I was terrified at the prospect of raising my child alone. As it happens, it worked out far better than I could have hoped. My son didn't have to grow up around an overbearing big kid who sulked if I paid more attention to our child than himself. My ex was occasionally physically abusive (though when I clouted him back hard he stopped... whether he would have stayed stopped or not I don't know.) When I think of the damage that could have been done by my ex and I staying together, I realise it was a good thing we broke up. The only thing I regret is that we didn't break up sooner.

What I mean is this, it may be terrifying thinking of the future now, but don't worry... it won't be as bad as constantly rowing in front of the kids. You can do this. You're a Mom, it's wired into your dna to cope. Honestly, you will be fine.

Two issues are important here. First, who owns the house? Unless your state recognizes common law marriages, if you moved into a house he owned, he can ask you to leave. You likely would benefit from talking to an attorney if your state recognizes common law marriages or if the house is jointly owned. You may be entitled to an interest in his house if you helped make mortgage payments.

Second, quite often the first one to file seeking an order for custody, visitation, child support, division of assets that may be jointly owned and division of any joint indebtedness has an advantage. If you cannot afford to rent or buy a place closer to the father of the children, going to stay with your family seems to make sense -- especially if more job opportunities are there.

He seems to think he will be making all the decisions. My suggestion is to put the shock behind you, talk to an attorney and do what is best for you and the children. When the going gets tough reminding yourself you are looking our for the best interests of the children is useful.

[sewsweetie28]

thank you so much everyone for you input and advice.
I just want to clear up that we do not own the home, and have only lived together for the past 4 1/2 years.
He is letting me stay in our home until I figure out what I am going to do. he refuses to leave the house even though he recognizes that he will have to help me once I move out. I do not wish to take my children from their father, I want them to pretty much have equal time with the both of us. I don't want to punish them for our shortcomings. They are still very little and will not understand why or what is going on.
Everything is still really raw and I am trying to stay strong but find it so hard to. thank you again for you thoughts, concerns and advice, it is greatly appreciated and helps me to feel supported.

[Perna]

California does not have/recognize common law marriages but the children are a concern and both of you must support them and come to a legal agreement (he has to prove he's the children's father first), as if you were married. I would find a lawyer and discuss your situation and then think about whether I wanted to mess with getting back together with him or go forward with making my own plans.

http://attorney.sandiegocafamilylawf...FeVx5QodM39c0g

[AvidReader]

You've gotten some really great advice already, sewsweetie28; I don't have anything to add except that I can identify with your emotional pain. My husband is divorcing me, and although things have been going badly, it was a shock. We have three kids, too, and I am a stay-at-home mom with no family nearby and no hope of a job (I do some freelance work at home) in this area. So, I can identify with your fear and grief. My husband has not yet moved out, either, and I told him to get his butt in gear, or stay and work on the marriage. He still wants the divorce. I told him that I'm not leaving -- he's the one who wants out.

I would DEFINITELY talk to an attorney. You need someone to make sure YOUR rights are being respected.

Sending you hugs. It's good that you're here at PC.

[SoupDragon]

oh dear , I can completely relate to this. 3 years ago when our kids were 2 and 3, my husband told me he didn't want to be with me anymore (he is now my ex). The pain of facing separation from my kids was immense and my thinking wasn't rational (he said he wanted them half the week) - this is what started me seeing my T. I still feel pain from this awful situation, but all I try to do is take one day at a time and wait until my next appointment with T. And he is yet to move out - has said it will be within the next couple of weeks - that is a little scarey, but I know I need to try and move on and start my life again.

This place has also been a lifeline for me - I have no quick fix advice, other than to seek lots of support, be kind to yourself and have faith that times will become less painful in the future. Thinking of you SD.

[sewsweetie28]

Thank you Avid for you advice. I think I have a friend who may be able to help me legally, he is a lawyer, I just have not heard back from him. You and I are going through the same thing right now pretty much so thank you for sharing with me it means a lot. I don't want to leave here and can not afford to pay the rent. For now I am not leaving, I need to save some money and I am not ready to leave yet. It has been the hardest week of my life. Crying every day and had the most uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. I am praying that i can start to feel strong and back to myself soon. How are you coping with your divorce? What are you doing to stay strong and keep you mind on the positive aspects,if there are any?

[AvidReader]

Hi sewsweetie 28 -- I'm afraid I haven't been coping too well, although I've been trying to take just one day at a time and not spin myself ahead to a year from now, when I envision myself as out on the streets, penniless, and never seeing my children again! (That's call catastrophizing, and it's a cognitive distortion I am trying to rid myself of.)

It sounds like you are doing better. I'm glad you have a friend who is an attorney, and I hope he/she can help you.

My husband told me (and the kids) he wanted a divorce over a month ago and then for more than 4 weeks did nothing; however, I found out a few days ago that he does indeed still want a divorce. I've tried to convince him to give couples counseling one more try (we've tried it twice, but the therapists were ineffective), and he said no. However, I've recently been seeing a therapist on my own who truly seems to understand the dysfunctional communication patterns we've gotten caught in, so I am going to ask him one last time to come see her with me. I haven't worked up the courage to actually ask him yet.

Have you and your boyfriend tried couples therapy? It can be a real relationship-saver.

I, too, cannot afford rent on my own, and that worries me a LOT, but I believe that as my husband he will have to financially support me (and the kids, if I get custody) until I can get a job.

I know our legal situations are slightly different, but it sounds like, emotionally, you and I are in very similar places right now. Please PM me any time if you want to vent, or ask a question, or anything!

[AvidReader]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

oh dear , I can completely relate to this. 3 years ago when our kids were 2 and 3, my husband told me he didn't want to be with me anymore (he is now my ex). The pain of facing separation from my kids was immense and my thinking wasn't rational (he said he wanted them half the week) - this is what started me seeing my T. I still feel pain from this awful situation, but all I try to do is take one day at a time and wait until my next appointment with T. And he is yet to move out - has said it will be within the next couple of weeks - that is a little scarey, but I know I need to try and move on and start my life again.

SoupDragon, that is interesting -- so your ex-husband has been living with you for three years? I've heard of "divorced cohabitation" (if that is indeed what your situation is) and wondered how that works for everyone (i.e., the former spouses, the children).