[lukkhi]

I am sorry in advance if the post goes long;but I reaaly am seeking honest opinion which will help me see things clearly;

I am hear mainly because I suffer from the depression of currently getting divorced(multiple separations in between);and beyond that my abnormal tendency and guilt feeling.

In short:
Met my EX at the age of 18 in college.he proposed to marraige at 19.Left drinking for me ;Later aftre 6 months lied to for he was on drugs(cocaine) and drinks too;were doing very bad in college;
I started getting tensed;my mind then really did not know something called break-up(really thought the relation was till death ,however bad it was);he did not feel this way;molested me once that point of time,ignored me and stopped talking to me ;I could not tolerate all this and made the greatest mistake of my life,I asked him to marry me;he did (no family knew);we married at 21;college was about to finish;quarrels continued,reasons now being I found he was always interested in other females(not flirting but somehow felt he was not commited);he just wanted to be with his friends and all;I really felt he used me,had propsed me thinking I am just an goodlooking girl(perhaps to impress the other college mates);;;;;;;
on leaving college;family gets to know in another quarrel;my parents get us married socially,his family against it;he leaves me and his job and runs away to another place;comes back in a month ,his family too,stay for another 1 year and separtes in another drama;
his family insists for a divorce;i begged ,pleaded etc,did not get divorced but he did not ask for me in 4 years.I tried to call and speak to him;he paid no heed;
after 4 years ,i thought he wont come and asked for a legal separation; after one year of drama intead of divorcing,we got back again.Stayed for 2 and half years together;i got same issues(not able to trust for his lies,not sharing with me anything,and tendency to talk to other females did not ever let me feel good);So this time again in another quarrel,he was adamant for a divorce;and I finally agreed ;

I know most of you willsay,this is not love;why remain in this;he said this,so did his family;
I begged that I will work about my short tempered ness and trust issues,but he wwas not willing to listen;Finally I agreed ,was not able to take it any further,the begging and all;

Hence now I am 29 from 18 years of age.

Now,this is the thing that eats me always:

• I am short tempered,was not able to trust him and hence quarreled.But could this not have been worked out.Did he have to throw me like a dirty piece of waste cloth again;why did he reconcile after 4 years then.who gave him the right to give me a CHANce.
• Secondly he was also involved in the verbal and physical abuse;but instead of proper counselling why did he take the shortcut root of showing me the way;is this what relationships are;do we throw away our brother or sister or friend if they soem fault or help them heal;I feel so sick thinking when i cooked for him lovingly;if only i knew that I shall be agin here,i would have fed him poison (not serious);
• I feel very guilty at causeing him,his family,my family and myself all this pain;had i not asked him to marry me,had i separated 11 years back,had i known,then I wouldnot be suffering.
• I have now realized I have issue ,terribke one,in anger,I get violent and abusive,be it anybody even my mother;My parents do not hate me and have asked me to take medical help for this;I shout,I cry,I imagine killing my EX for having used me mentally physically emotionally and throwing me away;sometimes I ahte myself saying I am like this hence he couldnot stay with me;had I been good enough,he would not leave me;I hate myself for being violent and totally mad and abusive towards anybody in my family;I hate myself;and I feel I will never come out of this;
• Why did he not see that I am in pain and help me out;i was possessive about him but i cared for him;he and his family have made me feel like crap.he even said that I trapped him;which wife traps a husband;he has forgotten that 11 years back he proposed me for marraige without any job whatever (he was ust a so-caled-friend);and today after 11 years when I am fat and ill he says I sued him;what when he was on drugs ,I did not ate him;he always thought I was ther eason for all his failures and he is so good;kick that dirty human being.

I have much to write.May be in another post.Please help me with your sincere advice.I was again violent today and feel so low.

Also,forgot to metion my abnormal violent behaviour starts with me thinking I have been used or cheated or am being bullied;(and all this I faced with my ex0
Thanks,
Lukkhi.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. Yes, you DO have a temper. But your temper doesn't come out until he has done something awful to you. For instance, after he married you, he continued to flirt and act like a single man, all the while he was married to you! That is not how a married man is supposed to act! Any wife would get angry about that. But YOU carry the anger a little too far. You get EXTREMELY angry, and lose control. You need to control your anger. You need help with that.

Then when he leaves you for periods of time -- you're left not knowing where he is or when he's coming back! Any wife would get angry and upset about that. And of course she wouldn't TRUST her husband after that either. Any wife would think that her husband was with other women. That would make any wife angry. But again -- YOU get TOO angry, and lose control. Most women would love to hit their men over the head with a frying pan, but they DON'T DO IT.

This abuse continues, with him asking you for a divorce the first time, and then not going thru with it, and then separating, blah blah blah.

Finally you get divorced. And now you're still very angry. But you need to learn how to control this anger that you have before someone gets HURT. And if you ever have another relationship, you don't want to ruin it with your anger.

You need to see a therapist. A good therapist will be able to help you with all this anger. There is something at the bottom of this that is causing all this anger, and it might not be your husband. It could go back even farther so you need to get to the bottom of it. A good therapist can help you do that. So find a good therapist and make an appointment. You won't regret it. I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. I'm sure you'll be fine after therapy. Take care. Hugs, Lee

Leed posted great advice, and I agree with her. You're justifiably angry at your ex but you don't just get angry you show rage when you get violent. I know there is a ton of help out there for this, and I see that you are aware of your issues with rage so I think the next step is figuring out how to subdue the rage. A therapist would help tremendously, IMO.