[theatremom]

i asked my husband of 15 years (together 20) for a divorce. at first he was agreeable, but now i am not so sure. he agreed to let us (our son and I) live here until i could get a better job and save some money. he is acting like nothing is wrong and everything is fine. he still tells me he loves me. i feel like i have to say it back but most of the time i don't. i am not in love with him any more and i don't want to remain married. i am trying to act like we are separated but he is not. any advice? as soon as i get the money together, i am going to file for a separation.

[IowaFarmGal]

Welcome to Psych Central, theatremom. Maybe he is just putting off dealing with difficult things until they happen. Good Luck getting yourself situated for the future you want. I hope you both find happiness in the rest of your lives.

[Grace Claire]

Originally Posted by theatremom

i asked my husband of 15 years (together 20) for a divorce. at first he was agreeable, but now i am not so sure. he agreed to let us (our son and I) live here until i could get a better job and save some money. he is acting like nothing is wrong and everything is fine. he still tells me he loves me. i feel like i have to say it back but most of the time i don't. i am not in love with him any more and i don't want to remain married. i am trying to act like we are separated but he is not. any advice? as soon as i get the money together, i am going to file for a separation.

Maybe he does not take you seriously. When you say you love him back, I think that undermines your seriousness in the matter. I don't want to doubt you but I wonder too. I personally would have waited until I had at least seen a lawyer. I have been divorced twice. The first divorce, we fought, and I left and I never came back. I went to my Mom's house and she took his calls. I never went back and moved to another state far away. The second divorce, I informed him w/separation papers. Even w/that, he seemed to doubt me at first even though I had been making it clear that I was unhappy for quite awhile. I quickly disabused him of his doubts by moving into the guest bedroom. I also told him why I wanted a divorce. I reinforced by reminding him to get a lawyer repeatedly. If you are truly serious, don't tell him you love him, tell him why you want a divorce and maybe you need proof of intention.

I was friends w/ my exes after our divorces. Not right away, but within a year or so. I think I handled those divorces okay.

In the interest of informing you of unintended consequences and as a reminder that a divorce is about him as well as you, I do have a cautionary tale. I had a disagreement w/my second husband, mentioned divorce as a possibility, and I left and went to a movie. I was already wondering why I had married him, but I was not ready to call it quits. I did come home from the movies, but he had shot himself dead. I think it is important to be aware of your husband's mental state and his state of mind at the time you inform him, which is in your case when he understands you mean it. I will always regret that I was so self-involved that I did not see my husband's distress and mental state.

I am just cautioning you, and hopefully I did not freak you out. He had other problems (besides me) too. -GC

[Bobbarita]

I am in a divorce @ 20 years situation. I don't know your history with him, for example, verbal abuse, psychological and financial control, emotional abuse, and of course physical abuse. And you share a child, we don't. This is a 2nd marriage for both of us. I'm not going to advise you, but based on my experience thus far, consider some recommendations.

You're absolutely right to get, earn, cash in, etc., ASAP and get an account in your name. Make sure it's a different bank than his. Whatever you decide to do, money will make it easier. Get credit in your own name. If you will need to retain an attorney, there will be a retainer fee. Shop around. Some give free consults, some are ones you hear about, friends used, etc.

Gather as much financial information as you can, (especially tax returns and paycheck stubs), copy it and return it. If it's on the computer buy a flash drive, and get it all if you can password into it. At any rate, get it.

You have a long-term marriage and there are probably alot of considerations. Be prepared, get expert advice and take your time deciding, (lol I took 5 years!), and you willo know when to act. Trust me. You'll know when to take the next step to end the marriage.

[Leed]

Why file for a separation when you want a divorce? It will cost you more money, so just file for divorce. The separation will just draw things out more, and what's the point? Are you not sure? If you're sure you want the divorce, then just file for divorce, and forget filing for separation. You don't need to spend any more money than you need to and if you file for separation, it's going to cost more than if you just file for divorce.

I wish you the very best. Please take care and God bless you! Hugs, Lee