[healingme4me]

I've been divorced for three years now. Still have to deal with my exh due to young children, visitation, their activities, etc.

I don't know how much more, I can stand to hear him say, without my wanting the Scream, that the only reason why the marriage ended in divorce is because my (now deceased) mom and her husband, turned me away from him or 'brainwashed' me, which is his preferred choice of wording.

As if, I can't think for myself. As if, his 'personality' had nothing to do with it. As if, even in the begin there weren't problems. As if, his alcohol consumption and vile mood swings had nothing to do with it. As if, the marriage didn't completely disintegrate during the nine months I spent pregnant with child number 2 of 3 with him accusing me of having had an affair. As if.....

Deep down, I do tend to move past these days. I do, state over and over, that this is not the case, that I can think for myself.

I get due to his personality, that he lives in a world of denial.

Just doesn't make things less frustrating, at times. Today, is one of those most frustrated days. ((had to send a child, who had been ill the night before to school, because I am under a probationary period, at work, with a new promotion..the sitter that would usually help wasn't able to going into the long weekend and planning to go out of town, and HE, as usual, just will not without aggravation, agree to take a day off from a job he's had for 11 years without either leaving me in limbo, giving me the largest hassle--leaving decisions to the very last minute, or just bringing up garbage like this about how brainwashed against him I'd become!))

I'm really venting, but if anyone has any words that will stick and get this circular accusation to end, I'd be grateful.

[healingme4me]

PS...my son made it through the day, illness free. And, my kids, are now aware that if they can make it through, at least until lunch, life is easier for me, as if they need to worry about such things.

Why can't their father be the one to help out on sick days?! OK....

[Leed]

Bless your heart. He sure is in denial. He can't accept that HE had ANY responsibility in the demise of the marriage at all.

Obviously he need therapy, but I don't know how you'd get him there. You'd have to knock him over the head, put him in the therapists chair and strap him in!

The ONLY thing I can recommend is to SEVERELY limit the time you have to be around this man. If he wants to see the children, then pick a neutral place where he can pick them up -- you can meet him there with the kids, and just have the kids jump into his car so you won't have to talk to him. If there are any times you need to talk to him, do it on the phone. If he starts any of his nonsense, HANG UP. Keep hanging up when he plays his "poor me" stuff until he learns you aren't going to play his games anymore.

You've got to get the upper hand. Don't be his pawn anymore. Take your power back.! I wish you the very best, my friend! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[justmemaybe]

I am divorced too. My ex still bames me. I think he always will. The sad part is it takes two.
I hope things get better for you.
I also agree with Leed. Limite your time around him.

[healingme4me]

Thanks. I've developed that upper hand with him, on a great many things. Just when it comes to trying to get him to pitch in, when it doesn't fall into his visitation schedule, when there is a sick kid involved, he tries to power play me, about my employment. Yesterday, was one of those times. I just have to get creative with my own solutions, since I cannot depend on him. Even, if he and I were married, he'd have pulled the same stunt.

Otherwise, I remind him, quite often...what's in that divorce contract, and how there are things, that well, he'd better be especially grateful about, since I could easily pull various plugs.

That's usually when, that little jab at my mom, ends.

Originally Posted by Leed

Bless your heart. He sure is in denial. He can't accept that HE had ANY responsibility in the demise of the marriage at all.

Obviously he need therapy, but I don't know how you'd get him there. You'd have to knock him over the head, put him in the therapists chair and strap him in!

The ONLY thing I can recommend is to SEVERELY limit the time you have to be around this man. If he wants to see the children, then pick a neutral place where he can pick them up -- you can meet him there with the kids, and just have the kids jump into his car so you won't have to talk to him. If there are any times you need to talk to him, do it on the phone. If he starts any of his nonsense, HANG UP. Keep hanging up when he plays his "poor me" stuff until he learns you aren't going to play his games anymore.

You've got to get the upper hand. Don't be his pawn anymore. Take your power back.! I wish you the very best, my friend! God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by justmemaybe

I am divorced too. My ex still bames me. I think he always will. The sad part is it takes two.
I hope things get better for you.
I also agree with Leed. Limite your time around him.

It does take two. It's unfortunate, when they play the blame game, and are unrealistic on their own end, about how and why things just didn't work out.

I do my best to limit time around him. To him, my asking, seemed to have given him some sort of power trip, over me. As if I was asking him a favor, instead of the reality, be a dad.

He had been starting this trend about running late for his visitations. And I told him, ((one of those pull the plug moments)), that he's lucky that I am not other women(or men), who if he was five minutes late, visitation is ruled out, completely for that day. ---he started being on-time again

I tend to not talk to him over the phone. Prefer everything in text. I can always shut my phone down or turn off my ringer. Which, I sometimes do. Phone calls were one of those things, he tortured me with, so to speak, in marriage.

As far as therapy. He went so far as to receive a prognosis. Stopped before the official diagnosis. I feel his 'friend' may have had something to do with that. Some dogs can be taught new tricks, others cannot...'

it is what it is. I just appreciate your supportive words and understanding