when does it get better

i have been divorce for 7 months now and i am not getting over this the way i should have. i was with a man for 20 years, 8 lived with him and 12 married. he left me for a girl 24 years younger than himself and got her pregnant 9 months after they met, they are now engaged and have been living together since he left. i have my good days where i feel like im better than this and i deserve better. and than i have days that i cry all the time because i feel so ugly, unworthy and so old. i gave this man everything love, understanding, i worked outside the home inside the home, cooked, cleaned. i thought he loved me, i sit and think did he ever love me? how could he just up and walk away from a good marriage. we werent fighting we were talking about buying a house, retiring, vacations. we even told each other that if we died we would want to be the first to go because it would be hard to live without one another. how can he just up an leave like i was some stranger to him? i got the divorce because he said he wanted one, i got alimony for 5 years, but i would gladly trade the money to have him back. she is so young she just turned 24 in dec. and she already has a 4 year old from another relationship with a guy who was a year younger than her. she does not have to work, she stopped working 2 months after they started seeing each other. will i ever be able to feel whole again? will i ever stop loving him? im so tired of hurting.

Bless your heart. This truly wasn't fair, but it seems to happen so often. These men have their "mid-life crises" and go out and find some young bimbo and think that makes THEM young again! Contrary to that belief, they're still the same age they were when they left you!

Dearheart, you are NOT ugly, you are NOT unworthy, and you are NOT old!!! You are a desirable, beautiful, and very worthy woman and don't let this drag you down to HIS level! Good heavens, you have plenty of years left to have a wonderful life with someone else! I was married for 26 years to an emotionally abusive and controlling man, and got divorced finally and after 8 years married a wonderful loving man!!! So there ARE men out there, and YOU can just as easily find one too!!!

Don't keep thinking about "him" and that bimbo he married. Chances are it won't last anyway. You need to focus on YOU. Get out among people, go out with friends, meet NEW friends. Start a new life. This is YOUR time now.

If you find you're having too much trouble letting go of the past, then please see a therapist, okay? Your medical doctor can refer you to a good one. He'll know who you should see. I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Remember, as cliché as this sounds, it isn't about you!! You are affected, yet, comparing yourself(in your mind) to the other woman, isn't the reality. The 'other woman', in my life, is perhaps 5 or so years younger than me, but looks older than me. umm, that in words, written may sound bitter, it's not. That would make her, about 17 years younger than him. She's a married woman.
My ex has serious control issues, etc, stemming from childhood, etc. He is an alcoholic, as told by the primary care doctor, he and I went to, while married.
He was abusive to me, in marriage, and even in divorce.
Point being, there was some void within him, that even a loving, caring, compassionate, do everything for him type of wife couldn't fill.

My grieving the end of my marriage, occurred during the marriage, not after. After, was almost a sigh of relief. Almost because there are children involved.

It's too easy to sit and feel badly about ourselves. Wondering, what it is about ourselves, that can't be good enough for the men that we thought loved us forever. He said many of the same things.

Even in divorce, from him, I get comments such as I've destroyed his life. Perhaps, what was destroyed, was he could not longer carry on as a married man, in society. Hmmm, before my divorce, I had to ask myself so many of the same questions that you are asking yourself.

I reached a point, where I said, I have had enough. I will no longer allow this man to have so much power over how I see myself. My self esteem was worth way more than trying to please a man, who just cannot seem to get it together.

Sure, there are many lonely nights. Sure, single life isn't always all it's cracked up to be, but letting go of that hold he held over me, that was worth it.

Now, that he's not part of your daily life, what outside interests are you pursuing? Hobbies? Any girlfriends to go to the movies with? What can you do now, that you don't have to answer to him?

i dont go out much. never have been one to do those things. i was a mother and a wife. i work. i have gone out with friends on a couple of occasions. im trying to find myself it has been so long. ive always did what they wanted to do or he wanted to do. and you are right it is lonely being single. ive never been single. i went from my parents to my first husband had two children, divorced moved in with my second husband. so ive always taken care of someone. i feel an emptiness inside from not taking care of anyone i guess. both girls are married, he left so its just me. its hard trying to figure out who i am. i know i am too caring, and too nice but i wouldnt be me if i didnt try to help others. the hardest part of being left is trying to figure out why??? if i argued with him or nagged him or was just a ***** i could understand. and even he admitted that i was an awesome wife. i sometimes think it was because i couldnt have any children with him. and he wanted a son really bad. the funny thing is, is that she is having a boy for him, he is due in june. so i guess it didnt matter that she is 24 years older than him, that was a plus for him someone that he could have a child with. just hurt real bad over it all. he said so many bad things to me when he started seeing her. i never dreamed he would talk to me like that. we never said harsh things to each other, we had disagreements but not to the point were we hurt one anothers feelings. sorry this was long i apologize. maybe i do need theropy. i dont know

I can relate to being the mother and wife and not being myself, if I wasn't trying to help other out.

I'm a homebody, myself, even single. Granted my kids are still young, and home. I don't get much outside help. Excitement for me, can be going to the grocery store

BUT...you mentioned you like helping people. I've tried out various volunteer opportunities, post-divorce. One of them, I can use my computer, at home, it was setting up a website for my town's youth wrestling program. I've taught CCD, liked that, just with the kids activities, don't have time for that.

Through my work, I am planning to meet up with a fellow co-worker from a pervious site every so often. Just went out, for an early dinner, last week.

Takes time, to reconnect with friends and form new friendships. I have a luncheon date planned with an old friend, this summer, haven't seen her in years, but we reconnected on FB. Little things, like this, matter to me, in life now.

As far as dating, hmphhh!!! and I mean, hmphh!! I may be over my marriage, but there was an e-mail friendship that formed, after the divorce, and I just ended that, a couple months ago...never having met. I'm a attractive woman, but I don't know what it is, about men, these days...where are the coffee offers?! Where's the , hey, would you mind giving me your number questions?!

Or better yet, a whole week on on-line dating. Many looks at my profile, a handful wrote...and wow...they can't w-r-I-t-e. (maybe that email 'friendship' tainted me there, not sure, those emails were rather extensive, not really of a romantic nature, but still, that level of communication is a must for me, a serious must). And I figure if they can't w-r-I-t-e, maybe they can't hold the type of conversation that I need, in my life?

Yeah, so your ex ran off with some young chic, is having a baby boy and was rude, nasty and vicious?!

Don't know about therapy, but you do sound like you need a serious amount of 'girl' time and time to heal....