[haier]

I've been married for 11yrs. 2 girls ..8 &10...I have always prided myself in my marriage. Family is important to me. I wanted what i never had growing up. I was a good wife. I kept a clean house, cooked, ironed my husband's clothes, took great care of my girls, worked to bring home extra income. I took care of his dying mother while she was in vegetative state to save the family the cost of hiring a nurse. I went above and beyond with his family and him.

I have a lot of issues. Hard stuff. I went into therapy about 2 years ago for anxiety and only went for about 3mo. I had to stop therapy because i kept moving back and forth for my husband..last year we finally came back in June. Everything was good, we were happy, it was good. I went back to therapy in Nov of last year...the stress from the last 4yrs was taking it's toll on me. I have a history of abuse and stuff was coming up for me, i have no idea why. So i decided to go back to therapy. At the same time i had noticed my husband was changing. We came back and he began a new job, made new friends and then started going out. I didn't go because i was always tired from work, came home to cook, clean, laundry and kids so i was fine with him going. He started not coming home fri nights. We had a lot of arguments...since oct i probably confronted him at least twice a month. I would ask, "is there another woman?" Everytime he would laugh and say that's what you think? No there's not another woman. It turned into routine..fri come home from work, eat dinner, iron his clothes, leave and come back sat am. He always said cause he was drunk and couldn't drive. He would call me but i noticed it was always quiet on his side. He became distant but would still treat me the same, hug me, use loving words. But i felt something.
I expressed my suspicions in therapy and we thought i just had a lot of insecurity because of my past and stuff i was dealing with.
In dec i found pics of a young, pretty girl in his phone memory card. I confronted him and he finally admitted it. He left that same day. The woman is pregnant.

I was devastated. He's been trying to get back together but i can't. He hurt me and our girls so much. I can't go back with him. The woman is mean and evil. She harasses me. She insults me. I don't even know or care about her. I've cut contact with him and his family who now have contact with the woman. He sees the girls sometimes. We only talk about our girls..pick up and drop off times. He tells the girls he loves me.
He says he's not with the woman. I know he's staying with a friend but i don't think he's done with that relationship. He can't be..there's a child. I was abandoned by my father and had 4 stepdads..so i don't want to get in the way of him having a relationship with that child. I cannot save my marriage. I could not allow this child into my home. I just can't. I feel angry and bitter. And because of this i hate myself. I filed for divorce already. I've been feeling very suicidal. I feel like my world came crumbling down. My husband was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first everything. How do i let go? My perfect family that i fought so hard for all these years is ruined. I feel so sad and desperate sometimes. I feel like a piece of trash like nothing. I'm sorry for this long story..i just need to get this out. I want to talk about it so it loses its power. Some days are so bad.

[lynn P.]

((haier)) - I'm very sorry for all you've been through and understand a lot of how you're feeling. In short my husband decided to marry another woman (religiously) while married to me and expected me to tolerate it. We were married 30 yrs when he decided to do this. This was 8 yrs ago and haven't been able to move out because of finances but I'm working on it. I've felt trapped in a loveless marriage.

Like you..... I felt devastated and very angry. Yours is complicated by another child. I don't blame you for not wanting to get back together - trust is shattered. Get some counseling for yourself and a good lawyer. Now he'll have to support 3 kids. Mine was my 1st love too and I empathize with your intense pain. The road of grief will be hard but you'll get through this. In the meantime take good care of yourself health wise so you can be strong for your kids. My kids give me the strength to go on and I wish you well in this difficult time.

[Perna]

Haier, thank you for telling us your story. I'm sorry, too, that you are going through this. I do not have a difficult marriage but I had a difficult blended family and something like what you describe happened to me.

My father married my stepmother when I was five. My stepmother had one daughter, 13 years older than I am and I have three brothers, all older, I'm the youngest. I grew up thinking I had a "whole" family. Then, in 1992, the day after my 42nd birthday, my father died (my mother died when I was 3).

Everything changed from then on; my stepmother leaned on her daughter and her daughter's children and I was just an "also" daughter, expected to be there and help but with no real role (not the oldest or "hers"). My step nieces and step niece-in-law :-) had more say and were more at home with the situation than I was. I was very confused and had to enter therapy again because my mother had been sick all my life and then died and now my stepmother was becoming extremely senile and my 40+ year old fears of "who will take care of me?" re-surfaced when I was the one supposed to be helping take care of my stepmother. My stepmother's and my life together as I grew up had been very difficult and abusive so there was that, too; my father had been an officer in the Navy so my stepmother was treated as his wife, my father being part of "my" life, not hers! It was very confusing to me as she was treated in the same hospital that my mother died in and all the old thoughts, feelings, experiences of my very young 3-8 years old life resurfaced and there was deja vu I didn't know/remember existed.

When my stepmother died, it got even worse. There was nothing holding me to my stepsister and nieces/nephews and that whole world anymore and I continued confused. Until last year, I was the only one invited to my stepsister's Christmas dinner party (my brothers have all gone their own ways and my oldest brother, with whom I "identify" the most, was the family black sheep, least liked by my stepmother and other brothers and not invited anywhere although he invited me to his home/parties, etc.), her second husband is dying and last year I was called and told her party was only going to be for her immediate family (obviously that means I'm not considered her sister?).

It's difficult to make adjustments when our lives are shattered but, eventually, all lives change and loved ones are lost. It's even harder when, as for us, the "basis," root of our lives, seems to change and we find what we thought was true for so long (big, happy family) was not true and we were, in a sense, fooling ourselves in thinking it was.

If I were you, I'd try to be glad the "other" shoe has dropped and you now know the situation. It is incredibly painful but there are possibilities, as with all change. You are a bit freer to learn about and be yourself, you don't have some man's clothes to iron anymore, you can read a good book in that time, or anything else you might discover you would like to do/try. You don't have to keep his schedule, you can arrange your time to better suit you and your girls, can become more relaxed and flexible because you don't have to consider someone else at the moment.

It's a shock! Don't feel bad about yourself and how well/poorly you feel you are doing; think of it like a train wreck :-) and allow others to help you if you can. Maybe join a divorce group or a "loss" group, take some personal interest courses or something see if you can start to build on this new plot of land? I suggest a good Southern exposure :-) TLC Home "Why is southern exposure so sought after in the city?"