[flatswalker]

I have an ongoing problem with my wife of 26 years and while I am uncertain how to proceed, I think I know what I have to do. She is and has been a closet drinker, very easily lies to my face about drinking, getting worse. She has bever been an open person, and getting her to honestly talk is nearly impossible.

Her actions seem planned to specifically to disrupt anything special in my life: friends coming, long planned trips, business success, returning home after a long trip-and yesterday, for my 60th birthday. Passed out at 8p-denying drinking the whole time.

I cannot live with someone who lies so easily, despite all the history and affection I have for her. I am finally coming to that sad place. She refuses--adamantly-- to seek counseling or treatment. I am ready to either leave myself or see her out, in the partial hope that it may finally awaken her to the zero sum nature of the situation.

I am starting counseling for myself on the 4th, long overdue. It is a very sad thing, made more so by the fact that I should have pulled the plug long ago-and that she will probably end up killing herself one way or the other. That this happens around the holidays is even worse. I've never posted anything on this before, and I apologize for dumping it on perfect strangers. But some insight would be appreciated. If there is anyone has gone through this before--and come out on the other side--that could provide some hope.

My travel and adventure days are far from over. There are still few islands I've not seen, an ocean or two yet to be sailed. My professional life as a political consultant will continue, and I'll pack up my large house and cats make the big move to California. My life will go on. It will just be very strange to be doing it all solo-and there is the wistful side that wishes I had done so when I was 40 instead of 60.

My thanks.

[JustMe75]

Sorry you are going through this. I honestly cannot say that I've had to deal with anything like this. I did go through a divorce but not for any reason other than we grew apart and were married way too young.
I think that going to counseling is a perfect start. It has always helped me in the end. You need to talk with someone and you need objective feedback. I hope that you find what you need.

Best Wishes.

[oldlife_disrupted]

Have you tried working with the group that supports family members of alcoholics? Perhaps once you have your affairs in order you could organize an intervention with a choice to either go to rehab or you walk? Don't do it until you're fully prepared to walk of course, the threat has to be real with immediate ramifications.

Good luck on your journey, you deserve to love a happy life and I hope your wife heals.

Alcoholism is a very serious disease. She can over come it but she'll never be able to touch another drop of any kind of alcohol again. Also she has to want to change her life. I think you seeking therapy is great and also going to meetings for family who have an alcoholic is very helpful too. You should also pick up an A.A. book. You will find very helpful information in there to help you understand your wife. Remember for better or for worse. At least try everything you can before you give up on her. I wish you the best

[winter14]

Originally Posted by flatswalker

I have an ongoing problem with my wife of 26 years and while I am uncertain how to proceed, I think I know what I have to do. She is and has been a closet drinker, very easily lies to my face about drinking, getting worse. She has bever been an open person, and getting her to honestly talk is nearly impossible.

Her actions seem planned to specifically to disrupt anything special in my life: friends coming, long planned trips, business success, returning home after a long trip-and yesterday, for my 60th birthday. Passed out at 8p-denying drinking the whole time.

I cannot live with someone who lies so easily, despite all the history and affection I have for her. I am finally coming to that sad place. She refuses--adamantly-- to seek counseling or treatment. I am ready to either leave myself or see her out, in the partial hope that it may finally awaken her to the zero sum nature of the situation.

I am starting counseling for myself on the 4th, long overdue. It is a very sad thing, made more so by the fact that I should have pulled the plug long ago-and that she will probably end up killing herself one way or the other. That this happens around the holidays is even worse. I've never posted anything on this before, and I apologize for dumping it on perfect strangers. But some insight would be appreciated. If there is anyone has gone through this before--and come out on the other side--that could provide some hope.

My travel and adventure days are far from over. There are still few islands I've not seen, an ocean or two yet to be sailed. My professional life as a political consultant will continue, and I'll pack up my large house and cats make the big move to California. My life will go on. It will just be very strange to be doing it all solo-and there is the wistful side that wishes I had done so when I was 40 instead of 60.

My thanks.

As you may have encountered, any person with a drug or alcohol problem will never seek help until they honestly admit to having a problem & wanting help.
The fact she is not a "talker" does't help, that may be a sign of another underlying issue, (has she always been this way?). See if you can join a support group like Alanon, members are in the same boat you are. Sadly, it's a loosing battle until the person admits & is willing to seek help. Been through it twice & have a sibling who remains on alcohol etc. You sound like a good person, think of what you have to offer, if it's not appreciated by your wife, then get appreciated! We all deserve to be happy. Best of luck to you

[fraiser]

You sound like an angel. I'm in recovery from alcohol. 26 years. She is so sick. An intervention was a good idea with a qualified therapist. If she refuses, get going. And if she drinks herself to death you don't own any of that. Not alot of people who are alcoholic get and stay sober. Some do. It depends on how much more of this insanity you want to live through. 60 is not old. I want to see oceans too. It is harder for us as women to get sober then men. it metabolizes differently in us. Offer her help and if she takes it great. If she doesn't there are oceans to see. Guilt free. Guilt is a useless emotion. Keep telling yourself you are a good person when guilt pops up. You are in no way, no how, responsible or the cause of her drinking no matter what anyone says.

[LadyShadow]

This is tough. I am a closet drinker too, but I overcame it by choice. Alcohol just makes me sick now, and its not really worth how it makes you feel in the short term rather than long term. The lying is very difficult to deal with and that's what makes it all the more painful. I have never dealt with an alcoholic myself, but I did deal with a drug addict.

You're 60, you still have some good years left, and they shouldn't be miserable. Life is very short and we have to enjoy as much as we can of our time here on Earth.

Seeking therapy is a great step, and I hope your wife comes around and decides to help herself. Good luck to you