Moving past emotional affair

Would you be able to move beyond an emotional affair your spouse had years ago (five now)? He left me to start a relationship with her (he never admitted this, but others did). He was gone for hours a day and every weekend night until 2-3:00am. this went on for over a year. He had secret facebook and myspace accounts. He left me initially- he wanted out immediately but waited at my request. He was terribly unsipportive with the kids when we were together, never attending family activities, never spending time with the kids. He did not support my return to school and wouldn't stay home any weekend night so I could go out. He was quite cruel during this time (about 1-2 years). I know I am 50% to blame...he was clearly unhappy and unsatisfied. We had financial problems and had to sell our house and were living in the two family with my parents downstairs.

And a third who was just getting lost. We went to couples therapy but I was so inhibited at the time and in denial I never brought my suspicions up. It did come up a little when he discovered I was dating (or having a "fling") with someone I met on a dating site. My husband (we were still separated though) and I were spending more time together. My dad had passed away and he was around more. But, I was still seeing this other guy. I did break it off and told him I was going to work it out with my husband. Regardless, my H hacked my emails and found out and accused me of cheating and being disgusted by the fact that I had been sleeping with this guy. I finally confronted him and said, look, we are separated. I know for a fact you left me for someone else, that is how all this started. You may not have slept with her till after you left, but you spent all your free time with her, and that is an affair. To that he was silent and got off the phone. He then texted me , said we should do the right thing and put the past behind us.

Ultimately we separated and got back together twice, larely due to the financial strain and the stress of raising three young kids, one with Asperger's and OCD and ODD and another with ADD. He said he wanted to get back what we had before we married 17 years ago. I told him I had no desire to go back to that time and want to move forward...we're no longer 27 years old and those feelings won't come back. I think if you have to go back that far to find the feelings that you miss, that is a problem anyway. So that was the last time he moved back and he is here for good (or at least until the kids are gone). I still feel unresolved anger. I've seen my pdoc since he left and a T as well (on and off, she is part time) and I vent to them. But I feel disconnected from my husband and not much drive to get that connection back. It had really never been there, but I guess I was just on autopilot. At the same time, I am terribly afraid to spend my older years alone. If we split when our kids are older, I am afraid I will never find someone.

My husband is not psychologically minded, so once he's decided to deny something he denies it. He will not communicate about difficult subjects. He has said no to any more couples therapy.

Not that I'm in school he is more supportive, but still thinks I'm being "selfish" and hopes I makes decent money when I graduate. He does a lot more with our son and helps out more with discipline and is around all the time. So there are positive changes. We are not really intimate, only a few times since he came back and that has been very strange and awkward. Am I being overly dramatic in my obsession with the past? Would anyone else have been able to put this behind them and am I making more out of it than I should??

This relationship is very complicated but speaking for myself, I wouldn't want a cheater. A cheater is dishonest and that means he is capable of lying, doing things behind your back, and has no character. I wouldn't want a man with no character. I would have no trust or respect for him. I wouldn't want a non supportive man who said what he said about your schooling and making money. From the way you describe it, this union sounds dismal and negative and I'd be xxxx if that's how I'd live. I rather be alone than wish I were. I suppose there is some comfort in familiarity but I don't see a bright, happy, joy filled life with this man. It just doesn't sound healthy.

It sounds like he is doing the best he can, for the kids' sake and the sake of your marriage now. I guess you have a choice - since you dont really know what is going to happen to the two of you after the kids grow up, you can either enjoy these next ten years together, or not. I dont see the point of holding a grudge - you just teach your kids that its okay to act like that, no matter who it hurts ie them. In which case, someday they may feel justified in holding a grudge against you. Thats what my mother taught me. Kids can see what is reasonable and what truly is not.