Is my ex wife playing games?

jimmy rich · Aug 29, 2014, 10:29 AM

Hello phillis1981:
I've read all of your posts so here is my take:

Quote:

Originally Posted by phillis1981

(we have 2 kids, both around 32/33 years old) and since i love her (yes i know that and maybe i also know that is not good for me at this point). I tried to stay away for my own "health" and for my kids.

If I were in your situation, I would focus on the needs and/or impact on my kids to guide me in my actions and reactions. I would go to counselors or some support group like Codependents Anonymous to get help and understanding about my mental/emotional needs and issues that may be affecting my kids.

Quote:

I would like an approach from someone that could give an honest advice regarding this issue, and i will reply back so i can make a real point of view regarding this things.
Thanks in advance

I don't like to give advice but, in your situation (and I was there), I would go looking for some kind of professional help and advice to make sure my kids are getting the best parenting possible from my wife and I. I would start by trying to understand why I react like I do and then look for SOLUTIONS to my problems. I finally found most of my solutions to marital isses at Codependents Anonymous Psych Central - Search results for Codependency and also, ACOA http://forums.psychcentral.com/adult-children-alcoholics/ where seasoned and supportive folks HELPED me understand my own behavior and then fix it - in myself at least.
[more to come]

jimmy rich · Aug 29, 2014, 10:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phillis1981

Hello , and thanks for your reply.

My thoughts is that she doesn't know what she wants, and when i ask her directly about that, she says that we should be away from each other definitively. but on the next day, she asks me to hand out like nothing happened. That really confuses me. and believe me, i asked her about this.

Thanks in advance

When I was "confused" by my ex-wife's behavior, I found answers and UNDERSTANDING at Codependents Anonymous Psych Central - Search results for Codependency which led me to places like this: 10 Rules for Friendly Fighting for Couples | Psych Central where I learned to communicate better and arrive at SOLUTIONS for the sake of my kids!

jimmy rich · Aug 29, 2014, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phillis1981

It seems that way to me, she doesn't know her own feelings, i just wanted to know if i should be away from her (ofc we have kids and we have to deal with things regarding them and keep contact to a minimum).

Better keep that way if i want to heal myself before anything.

Yes, "healing myself FIRST" was the main thing that I was taught in support groups FOR THE SAKE OF MY CHILDREN!

jimmy rich · Aug 29, 2014, 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phillis1981

She basically says that she is confused right now (in my mind she loves two men, or so i think) and she says that we should be away from each other definitively. But after that she is the first to call me back on the next day to grab a dinner or a movie...

LOL, I always fell for that until I learned how to improve my own self esteem Psych Central - Search results for Self esteem
and as soon as I got a little more BACK BONE, I was able to handle her stunts and gimmicks much better! My kids also appreciated that I now had some courage!

jimmy rich · Aug 29, 2014, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phillis1981

Either way this goes i think i should go no contact , besides managing the kids when needed.

Thing is, i am trying very hard to gain the strength to do it, but in the moment that i have to "man up" by staying away, i tend to fail awfully at that just because i need to see her and be with her.

Although i do feel stupid by accepting when she calls me up everyday (i´m not calling, but i´m not saying no, which is a bad thing).

I need to move on, but at the moment i feel that is really hard to do.

At Codependents Anonymous, I learned exactly why I was so weak, needy and vulnerable PLUS how to fix my vulnerable issues and the relationship. Then my kids really loved my improvements and progress!

jimmy rich · Aug 29, 2014, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phillis1981

I agree , its really scary, I am 33 years old and i was with her since 18... my belief is that she is not the only one that needs to grow up ( I am the idiot that cant say NO, maybe i am too old fashioned and still believe in eternal love) ... its me as well, since i need to grow more mature as a man with no wife, my belief is that (besides the feelings i have for her, which for me, sound kind of old, in my heart she is the one and i cant bare the idea of something different) it is ME that needs to grow up as a man as well since i have zero experience of being on my own and i have a "huge sense of she cannot be with someone else".

Support groups and therapy helped me "grow up" and become a much better Role Model for my kids who were suffering way more than us inadequate Parents!

jimmy rich · Aug 29, 2014, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by phillis1981

fk this... im tired... i cannot handle it anymore.

I love my kids.. but somehow i don't feel any reason to live,

Maybe i just think on myself... but i am too tired to go on,

Next bridge after two bottles of whiskey is mine... i am just too tired.

Cannot live without her. Thank you all for everything, for your strength... but i just cannot handle my life without her.. best luck for the next one. may you have the strength that i didn't have .

It was the love of and concern for my KIDS that kept me going and not just give up. I wanted to and almost did but then something sent me to therapy and support groups so, in the end, I found some help and healing of my own inner issues so my kids were extremely happy about that. Nothing that I did to help myself worked for my dysfunctional wife so I divorced her in the end. This hurt my kids BUT they could see that at least I was trying to heal my inner wounds so that did them some good.
good luck fixing your self,
jim

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