Is my ex wife playing games?

Here is the thing,

I have (had) a 13 year marriage with my ex wife (we are married but separated).

Most of the separation guilt is mine, i had an addiction to online gaming (i "woke up from it" about 1 year ago).

From last August to December my ex wife told me that she wanted to leave the place (we have 2 kids, both around 32/33 years old) and since i love her (yes i know that and maybe i also know that is not good for me at this point).

She left the house (near me) in last December, and we hang out in our different houses (with some kind romance/sexual relationship until 2 months ago).

One and a half month ago she told me she knew a man in her work (its more educated than me, more successful in his profession than me, and has about 39 years old). She says that she likes/love both of us but doesn't feel the "stomach butterfly" effect with me.

I tried to stay away for my own "health" and for my kids. but she keeps trying to ask me to hang out, watch movies at her place, and things like that, she also asks for help with things that she doesn't know how to handle (things that i used to take care when we were together, like most men do, she even asks me advice about her clothing (patterns, colors, shoes, bags, etc)

I usually can "read" women quite well (and respect them, but we are all "animals") , but since i am clouded with my feelings i have no idea what is all this about, she knows i love her, that i want to get our relation back and that i would do anything to achieve that (lets be honest, i love her and i am an idiot because of that).

I would like an approach from someone that could give an honest advice regarding this issue, and i will reply back so i can make a real point of view regarding this things.

Thanks in advance

Hi phillis1981 and welcome to PC! Glad to see you've found your way to this forum
I do not think you are an idiot for loving your ex wife, it seems like she's definitely left the door open for feelings.
I think the best thing you can do it ask her straight out what she wants and tell her what you want. If you want to have an exclusive relationship with her again then tell her that, if she says she doesn't want that then you'll know and be able to start the long journey of moving on.
If you don't ever ask you'll keep holding on to your feelings and never know what she truly wants.
Good luck and again, welcome to PC! I hope you will find what you need here.

Hello , and thanks for your reply.

My thoughts is that she doesn't know what she wants, and when i ask her directly about that, she says that we should be away from each other definitively. but on the next day, she asks me to hand out like nothing happened. That really confuses me. and believe me, i asked her about this.

Thanks in advance

Sounds like she might not know what her real feelings for you are.....& as far as having you continue to do the things you have always done.....sort of habit IMO....you are around & available & she has never learned to take care of herself.....so for convenience.....you are the one of choice to do it since she keeps in contact with you.

Personally I think she needs to start to learn how to take care of herself especially if she is really interested in that other man......then she needs to see if she can really depend on him to do the things she needs......she can't really make up her mind if she's using you to take care of her & yet interested him in the fluttering sort of infatuation way.....she's not really knowing what he's really made of if you continue to take care of her.

She's going to have to make a decision....can't have both guys....not fair to either even though she might feel like she's got the best of both worlds.

Would suggest you just back completely away & let her figure herself out. You aren't going to win her by taking care of her......but keeping in touch at a distance could keep you better knowing where she's at emotionally with the other guy......but in the end....she has to make a choice one way or the other.......& she doesn't sound like she really knows herself very well IMO. I can understand why she left you in the first place.....but she took her stand & you quit the gaming......that should have been the end of it & the return to the marriage IMO.....unless there was something more going on in her mind that was bothering her.......

Maybe marriage councelling might be a good idea at least with it in mind to determine whether the marriage is over or can be recovered......& go from there.

It's difficult when things have been pushed to that point....it's hard to get rid of the anger that has built up over the years & return to the marriage....it needs to be rebuilt from the beginning IMO.....but some just aren't willing to go back to that & work at making the marriage work.

Wish you the best in this.

It seems that way to me, she doesn't know her own feelings, i just wanted to know if i should be away from her (ofc we have kids and we have to deal with things regarding them and keep contact to a minimum).

Better keep that way if i want to heal myself before anything.

So what answer did she give you?

She basically says that she is confused right now (in my mind she loves two men, or so i think) and she says that we should be away from each other definitively. But after that she is the first to call me back on the next day to grab a dinner or a movie...

Your intuitions sound spot on. She does sound a bit confused or unwilling to let you go. I also think you are right that minimum contact will be required for you to both get over/accept the end of your marriage (if that's what you both want). Very confusing!

Either way this goes i think i should go no contact , besides managing the kids when needed.

Thing is, i am trying very hard to gain the strength to do it, but in the moment that i have to "man up" by staying away, i tend to fail awfully at that just because i need to see her and be with her.

Although i do feel stupid by accepting when she calls me up everyday (i´m not calling, but i´m not saying no, which is a bad thing).

I need to move on, but at the moment i feel that is really hard to do.

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I'd cut her loose.

If you are interested in doing things for her with her without the certainty of the future..do so. But if you do not feel good about it and you feel it is not a fair trade than stop - I know it's hard. She should respect your feelings as well - and quit playing with you.

I would more think that she is also afraid to let go because she knows you & the other guy she really doesn't know other than having an attraction to him. Depends on if she has much self-confidence (which it sounds like she doesn't)...especially since she sounds pretty dependent on you.

If she's ever going to figure herself out.....she needs to be totally ON HER OWN & have to do the things ON HER OWN or figure out how to get them done without YOU being there.

Sounds like she needs to GROW UP a LOT.....but that can also mean that she does grow away from you.....or she may also realize that you are the one that she does want to be with.....but sometimes you have to let go completely & let them get that figured out on their own. Know that it feels like keeping contact keeps the feeling of her needing you (or you being needed).....but sometimes we really need to sort things out ALL on our own & figure out where we really are coming from & where our HEART really is.

It's scary to leave if you have never been on your own & know that you know how to take care of yourself & the messes that life throws at you....but she needs to learn......it will make her a better person in the long run....& if she decides that your marriage is what she wants....it will probably make her a better, more responsible wife....IMO.

I agree , its really scary, I am 33 years old and i was with her since 18... my belief is that she is not the only one that needs to grow up ( I am the idiot that cant say NO, maybe i am too old fashioned and still believe in eternal love) ... its me as well, since i need to grow more mature as a man with no wife, my belief is that (besides the feelings i have for her, which for me, sound kind of old, in my heart she is the one and i cant bare the idea of something different) it is ME that needs to grow up as a man as well since i have zero experience of being on my own and i have a "huge sense of she cannot be with someone else".

Sounds like the separation of locations is so she has freedom to come and go, as she pleases, while having you in her back pocket for security measures. Dating is such an emotionally vulnerable endeavor.
Keeps you, unable to grieve and move on with life, giving hope for reconciliation. Granted through couples counseling, many couples overcome infidelity. Is reconciliation from infidelity, something that sticks in the back of your mind, as how you'd like to view your past romantic history with her, 10,15,20 years down the road? The fantasy effect of proclaiming, at those stages, how tough you both are together? Sometimes, in that reconciliation phase, there's a power shift, and the relationship is never the same, and guilt, shame, unworthiness. Eats at the spouse that cheated. Depression sometimes comes in. Relationships are typically not the same after an affair.
Just something to consider...

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if you really love your wife and want to stay married to her then i'd fight for her. step up and start pursuing her and wooing her. if she can fall out of love with you then she can fall back into love with you. if she is responsive after doing that for a bit then tell her she needs to break it off with the other guy. don't stop pursuing her once you get her back though. you have to work at the relationship and keep the love alive and not coast along. why not give it all you've got before giving up on the marriage? if you don't, i think you'll regret it. getting couples counseling would be a good idea too.

You have received good advice here. Lots of points of view. Is your heart telling you one thing but your head another? Are you feeling used?

Try not answering the phone. But a bit more separation between you. Make some new friends, do new things. You may find you do need to move on.

I believe thats it, I need to move on.

My head says one thing, my heart says another and i do feel used.

She enjoys my company but i dont sense any kind of Love from her.

Its hard i know, but that is what my head says... need to move on

Good luck - it's not always an easy road to be on...but may you find all kinds of new and meaningful things on your journey.

Sometimes i just cannot figure out the mind of some women.

For some days, i kept the rule of No contact... every day i have to call to my ex phone (home) so my kids can give her the "goodnight kiss".

Today she warned me that tomorrow (day before her birthday) she would call me from her cellphone (she is going out of course).

Just now she sent me some mms to ask me what would she wear... ARE you KIDDING me???

what the hell goes in people mind to do that??? is she trying to torture me?? isnt this enough?

I think she wants to keep you around while she navigates the playing field. Most likely answer. Either way, if you feel you can move on you should or let her know she can't have certain things unless they are within the context of a relationship. This is a complicated thing and you need time. Good luck!

It's up to you to tell her to stop. Let her know that moving forward that's not something you are interested in...regarding the children...you will figure out how not to let this bother you so much with time. Maybe others here have children and can give you advice - I do not have any. But I sure know what it is like to let someone go that you still are attached to.

fk this... im tired... i cannot handle it anymore.

I love my kids.. but somehow i don't feel any reason to live,

Maybe i just think on myself... but i am too tired to go on,

Next bridge after two bottles of whiskey is mine... i am just too tired.

Cannot live without her. Thank you all for everything, for your strength... but i just cannot handle my life without her.. best luck for the next one. may you have the strength that i didn't have .

Hmmmmmm two bottles of whisky when life isn't going the way you want it o.....is this a picture of how things went in your marriage? Is this the only time you have allowed yourself to get into this kind of situation & react in this sort of way?

My kids have a separate phone, my ex pays for. They can be reached on that, leaves me out of the equation. Any specific updates can be conducted via email or a password protected blog.
Did she butt text, that? Asking what to wear, was out of line, and needed to be confronted, right then.
Two bottles of whiskey? Your children need to know you are well, living with them or not.