[Mortis]

My wife of 2 1/2 years (together in general for 7 years), cheated on me twice a couple months ago with a man she met online, then told me her heart is no longer in the marriage and that she can't handle my mental/emotional disorders anymore. We have a beautiful 9-month-old daughter together. My heart breaks for her most of all because I fear how it will affect her.

My wife was always so sweet and innocent. I thought I would be struck by lightning before she would do anything like this to me. She is not at all the woman I married. How am I to trust another in such a commitment ever again. I trusted her more than anyone else in my life, and trust is EXTREMELY difficult for me.

Because of this, my self-esteem has dropped even more than it used to be. I feel unwanted and undesirable. I see myself dying alone, because it seems no one could ever handle the baggage that I carry with me.

[Perna]

Your wife cheated, you did not! You are grieving for the relationship and having a crisis of self-esteem. You are a good chooser of what you want and did well! She "was" sweet and innocent but SHE changed. You cannot control that, you can only control you and what you want and yourself/your judgement at the time. No one (especially you) knew she would change in this way, that she would meet this man. She was sweet and innocent and wholly inexperienced in life and the ways of relationships and how to have one. She had no "practice"? That's not to say she did not know any better, did not know she was breaking her own marriage vows, that her word would become worthless, that she could hurt you in this way.

Continue to work for your daughter's well being and stability and for your own health and happiness. Work to gain back your self esteem -- do you want to be wanted by someone faithless, without good character? No! You deserve better.

[Mortis]

Originally Posted by Perna

Your wife cheated, you did not! You are grieving for the relationship and having a crisis of self-esteem. You are a good chooser of what you want and did well! She "was" sweet and innocent but SHE changed. You cannot control that, you can only control you and what you want and yourself/your judgement at the time. No one (especially you) knew she would change in this way, that she would meet this man. She was sweet and innocent and wholly inexperienced in life and the ways of relationships and how to have one. She had no "practice"? That's not to say she did not know any better, did not know she was breaking her own marriage vows, that her word would become worthless, that she could hurt you in this way.

Continue to work for your daughter's well being and stability and for your own health and happiness. Work to gain back your self esteem -- do you want to be wanted by someone faithless, without good character? No! You deserve better.

Wow! Thank you greatly, Perna! I'm at a loss for words to be honest! You have a great deal of insight. So far I have actually been getting through this much better than I ever could have thought, but I do have my bad days. The past couple of days have been very low for me. I will return to your message when I am not doing well. I think it will help. Thank you again!

[eskielover]

There is never an excuse for cheating.....I was married for 33 years to a guy who I ended up realizing that he has serious issues that made staying married to him totally impossible......but I didn't leave for another person....I left because I knew that in our older age, he wouldn't be any more capable of taking care of me or the finances than he was when I needed him to take care of everything when my depression hit after loosing my engineering career.

There is NO EXCUSE for having an affair......& you are definitely better off without her.

Yes, having mental health issues can make a marriage difficult to deal with....& in the future, you can use this experience to show your way to the possibility of someone else in your life.....but make sure that they are able to deal with the mental health issues before ever making anything into a permanent relationship....but you deserve to find someone who can make you happy....but it's important to learn to be happy completely with yourself.....& always be there for your daughter even with divorce separating the family.....being there for her & being a good dad example is the most important thing for you to focus on & get a good lawyer to make sure that your rights aren't twisted around by her if she gets a lawyer.....but most divorces these days are considered NO FAULT.....so they can't use things against the other person.......

Wishing you the best going through this & staying strong for you & your daughter

[EmeraldTurtle]

Mortis, I am so sorry for what you're going through. Don't take the blame for your wife's failings...she is her own person who is responsible for the consequences of her decisions. Unfortunately, in this case her decisions have affected you and your infant daughter as well. I am so sorry for that.

All the advice I can offer is for you to keep your sweet baby first and foremost, as your motivation and your inspiration. She's the most important thing at this point in time. I'll be thinking of you.

[Mortis]

Thank you all for your words. It has been helpful and comforting. We will be going through a "no fault" divorce. We are still friends, especially for the sake of our daughter, and are working toward moving on with our lives. I do have anxiety over shared custody, however. I can barely be away from my daughter for more than a day before I miss her and become depressed. Plus, I'm going to miss so much of her development now...