finally biting the bullet

I think my ex husband, finally changed from, me, to the kids, around the beginning of this year. Then again, knowing his lack of follow through on matters, even ones like this. Who knows.

You might be legally entitled, and frankly, probably best choice. It's his right to name anyone, I'm under the impression.

That's my understanding also......the filing of the QDRO in the divorce entitles you to your portion of the retirement fund as defined by the divorce. If it's not specified in the divorce, then it's all up to him who he chooses as his beneficiary which may or may not be you. It can be changed at any time if it's not specified as part of the divorce just as life insurance beneficiaries can be changed......so I would recommend making sure that it's specified in your divorce since it won't be finalized until Oct 22....you still have time to make sure it's included......the paperwork necessary to accomplish this is called the QDRO.....my lawyer hates dealing with them & told me it costs extra for him to deal with that.....oh well....it's worth it.

My husband is very sick. I think I am backing out of the divorce. Right now he needs me and to be perfectly honest I realize I still have a love for him. We still need to have a good sit down discussion but no one takes care of him like I do and he does me as well. I am not saying things are going to be good but at least we don't argue.

Bebop, much love and support for you.

I read this while on my phone & it's not that easy to write a reply.....just wanted to let you know that I think what you are doing is very wise.

You are right.....good open communication is definitely needed rather than just going back to the way it was....because you filed for the divorce for a reason & those problems haven't changed.....but when other things take a higher priority like his health....it's wonderful that you do care enough & that you still feel some level of love for that care to be based on......If you feel the need for divorce later on.....it will be available then as it was now so don't worry about it....do what you honestly feel you need to do, the way you need to do it.......glad the divorce wasn't finalized as quickly as you initially hoped it would be......God always has His reasons for everything.

Who knows....maybe by filing for the divorce your H may take it to heart & make some of those serious changes that are necessary to have a good marriage again Best wishes with this

thanks ladies for the support. I know I will never have the husband/wife kind of love I want and need from him but I can deal with that somehow. I think as long as I can find emotional support or good male friend to lean on not saying sex though...maybe I can get thru this. he does need me.

here anytime.

the divorce will be final next week! I have real mixed emotions. after almost 18 yrs together it is going to seem strange. btw he is still in the house.

((((((((( bebop ))))))))))

It sounded like mixed emotions within your thread here.....know it's touch when you even have some connection with them. It's even more difficult when they are in the same house....& if they don't have a place to go (or at least they feel like they don't)

My H would never take any action until forced into action. I knew for me my only way out was to LEAVE but ended up leaving with pretty much nothing of what we accumulated over those 33 years.

I know that I hoped that drawing the line & making it final....I had hoped that it would be a knock over the head for change.....& it was really frustrating (just like the whole previous 33 years) that it didn't make any difference.....but I have come to realize with researching Asperger's that is what I have been dealing with for all these years.

For me the true test of how I felt about him was when I did leave.....they always said that absence makes the heart grow fonder & I didn't even miss him...I actually felt a wonderful relief & a peace.

Hope all goes well when your divorce finally goes through