[Ultreya]

Hi.. I'm new the the forum.. I have a female family member who is going through a nasty divorce, after 25 years of marriage and 2 grown children. It has been in mediation for about 3 years now and every time it looks like being finalised, there seems to be new financial claims brought up by both sides. The claims seem to me to be quite over the top - on his side he wants her superannuation because he has spent his and her side she wants expenses money for the 2 over 18 kids who are still living with her - they both work part time and go to uni.

From what she has said she wants more than half and that seems to be the problem. He left the family when the eldest turned 18. My concern is that any subject we talk about at family get togethers ends up with her telling us things about the divorce she has told us many times before over the last 3 years. She is also declining invitations to socialise yet seems jealous and narky of others who attend social functions. She is angry her daughter spends time with her dad and that he has a new girlfriend. She is taking anti-depressants and talking to a councillor and at times seems to be getting on with her life, but then something will happen to trigger her and she will be obsessing again. We don't know what to do to help her and don't think that listening to her going over and over things is helping either. My parents are elderly and very upset about the whole thing. They have also lost their son-in-law because we are too scared of her reaction to keep in touch with him. Any suggested you have on how to cope with this situation would be greatly appreciated.

[Altered Moment]

All I can say is welcome to PC and hope you find advise and support here. I have been through a divorce and had a three year old at the time but it was not messy and we are still good friends. There is really no time limit on the grief and how long it takes to get over it. 25 years is a long time. I have heard it can take 5 years to get over that and move on. If it is messy and dragging on in court that makes it longer. My sister is going through one right now with two small boys. It has not been pleasant and hard for all of us. I have always been good friends with her ex and decided I will still remain friends with him and keep it separate. If she is in therapy that is a good thing. If he left her obsessing and being bitter and angry and maybe demanding more than is rational to get back at him is probably normal to a certain degree. 25 years and raising two kids to divorce is a huge change and I would say be patient with her and encourage her to keep getting help to process it all.

[hvert]

I think it is okay to set limits on the amount of focus this topic gets at family gatherings, especially if it upsets your parents. You're right that her constant venting isn't really helping anything.

Could you find a divorce support group and go to the first meeting or two with her?

[gardensparrow1]

Oh, that's tricky. It's so hard to feel like you're stuck in the middle when a loved one is going through a divorce. And I'm sorry to hear it's having such a negative affect on your parents. It's so difficult to watch adult kids go through the pain of a divorce. But, as far as some ideas on how to help your family member, I thought there were some good thoughts on how to be there for your loved ones while still setting boundaries in an article I found called "When Your Kids Divorce" on the Focus on the Family website. I'm not sure if it would be worth looking up or not, but seems like it could apply to not just parents, but the friends and extended family in this situation. So, just FYI. Hope it helps!

[Ultreya]

Thanks so much to you all for your advice. I think a support group does sound good for her and I don't think she has tried that - if it comes to the point where she is ready to take advice I will certainly mention it to her. She is a bit defensive at the moment. Yes, as you say it may take 5 years for her to get over.

I will certainly let my mother know that she doesn't have to listen to her venting on the phone or bringing up issues at family gatherings. Mum has been listening because she wanted to help my step-sister but it's not helping. We are a bit lax on setting personal boundaries in our family which is something I'm working on myself.